


Cherry Stem Knots

by SunriseRose1023



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/F, F/M, Gen, Heavy Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Not Actually Unrequited Love, Reader-Insert, Reader-Interactive, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-09-07
Updated: 2019-06-13
Packaged: 2019-07-08 00:23:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 12
Words: 47,681
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15919221
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SunriseRose1023/pseuds/SunriseRose1023
Summary: You’ve been in love with Dean Winchester for years, but he doesn’t know. And he doesn’t feel the same. When his current relationship progresses and he oversteps, you decide to take your broken heart and leave. Except ... your leaving forces him to face what he's been blindly ignoring almost his whole life. He doesn't think he's good enough for you, but he can't seem to let you go.





	1. Cherry Stem Knots

**Author's Note:**

> This is an ONGOING series I'm writing and posting on Tumblr. I've decided to cross-post it here as well. Warnings and such will increase as the story progresses. There is an undetermined amount of chapters as of now.

“Hey!"

The smile spread across your face before you even realized it. You turned around and saw the green eyes with crinkles beside them, the plump lips open in a cheeky grin, and you let out a laugh.

"Hey, you!"

You reached under the bar and grabbed his favorite beer without him asking. You popped the top on it and set it on a napkin in front of him, and he shook his head.

"You’re too good to me, pretty girl."

You shrugged your shoulders and Dean took a long drink from the bottle. He motioned with his head and you leaned a little closer. He winked at you.

"How’s the crowd tonight?"

You rolled your eyes, dutifully ignoring the twinge in your chest.

"Slim picking, not to mention the fact that Cassie would literally kick your ass into next week."

Dean threw his head back with a laugh, and you swallowed, turning back to straightening the bottles on the shelf behind the bar again. You glanced in the mirror behind the bottles and saw Dean turn around, leaning his back against the bar as he surveyed the crowd. Your heart gave a thump in your chest as you stared at him, and you let out a quiet sigh.

"Something on your mind, pretty girl?”

You blinked wide eyes, pasting a smile on your face as you turned back. You shook your head.

“No, just … This song, you know?"

_Nice save_ , you thought to yourself, as you heard "Every Rose Has Its Thorn” pumping through the speakers. Dean rolled his eyes.

“Poison’s a bullshit band.”   
“Excuse me, I believe I’ve heard you jamming out to ‘Talk Dirty to Me’ more than once."

Dean made a face.

"Okay, so Poison rocks on occasion. And that occasion usually occurs after a few six-packs."

You laughed, shaking your head as you grabbed a rag and started wiping up the bar. Dean finished off his beer and you grabbed the empty and, without looking, tossed it into a trash can behind you. You flicked your eyes up to see the grin on his face, and you let out a laugh. He shook his head.

"I love it when you do that.”   
“One of my many talents.”  
“What’s another one?”  
“Besides putting up with your drunk ass?"

Dean held a hand over his heart as he made a face, and you laughed.

"I kid.”  
“That hurt, Y/N.”  
“Shake it off, Winchester."

He snorted, then spoke again.

"Come on. Give me another talent.”  
“Dean, we’ve known each other for, like, twenty years. You know all my talents.”  
“Bound to be something I haven’t discovered yet."

You swallowed as you turned away from him again. You still haven’t discovered the fact that I’m head over heels in love with you. You blinked and turned back around, giving him a smile.

"I can tie a knot in a cherry stem with my tongue.”   
“You’re lying."

You shook your head, and he pursed his lips.

"You got cherries back there?”  
“It’s a bar, Dean. Of course.”  
“Then show me. And can I have another beer?"

You rolled your eyes, pulling another beer out of the ice and popping the top on it, setting it in front of him. You walked over and grabbed a cherry, showing it to him before you ate the fruit off the stem. He watched you closely, as you bit the stem all the way up and down, tiny bites giving the cherry stem a bit more give. You slipped the stem into your mouth, and Dean watched you as you moved it around in your mouth, then lifted your hand to your lips. His mouth fell open when you showed him the cherry stem, now with a knot right in the middle of it.

"How the hell did you do that?"

You laughed, shrugging your shoulders, picking the rag back up and wiping the bar. You looked up as the bell over the door rang, and your heart sank. You put a smile on your face as the woman walked over, putting her purse on the bar and wrapping an arm around Dean. A bright smile broke out over his face when he turned his head, and you looked down at the bar as they kissed.

“Hey, Y/N.”

You lifted your head, smiling again.

“Hey, Cassie. What can I get you?”

She gave a quiet groan and climbed onto the barstool beside Dean.

“Something stronger than what Dean’s drinking.”  
“Long day, baby?”  
“You have no idea.”

You swallowed as you turned around, grabbing a glass and pouring a small amount of scotch into it. You turned back, setting a napkin down in front of her, then setting the glass onto it. She didn’t take her attention away from whatever Dean was saying as she took a sip of her drink, but after she swallowed, she turned to you.

“You’re the best. Keep this coming for a while?”

You nodded, turning and walking down the bar. When you heard Dean’s laugh, you let out a breath and laid your hands on the bar.

“Christ, what is she doing here?”

You let out a quiet laugh.

“You scared me half to death, Jo.”

The woman who’d walked up without you knowing set the tray under the bar and walked to stand beside you, glaring at Dean and Cassie down the bar.

“Seriously. Who invited her?”  
“Probably her boyfriend, Joanna.”

Jo rolled her brown eyes, shaking her head, tossing her blonde hair off her shoulders. You glanced down the bar, seeing Dean lean closer to Cassie, his arm on the back of her chair, every now and then moving to rub her arm. You let out a sigh and Jo leaned over, bumping her shoulder against yours. You shook your head, speaking softly.

“I know I’m pathetic.”  
“No, you’re not. You can’t help who you love. Come on, help me get some stuff out of the back.”

You nodded, turning around and following her, deliberately not looking down at the end of the bar.

* * *

 

You shut the door behind you as quietly as you could, then slipped the shoes off of your feet with a quiet groan. You sucked in a breath as the light came on, then rolled your eyes with a smile when you caught sight of the giant at the end of the hall, muscular arms crossed over his wide chest.

“Honey, you’re home.”

You rolled your eyes again and made your way to the kitchen.

“Hi, honey. I’m home. What are you doing up so late?”

Sam let out a sigh. 

“I’ve got this test in a couple days that I’m stressing over, and Jess has a cold, so she’s snoring like a freight train.”

You snorted, shaking your head.

“She’d kill you for saying that.”  
“It’s true. If you’re very, very quiet, you might can hear her from here. Shh, listen.”

You and Sam went perfectly still, not even breathing, and your eyes widened when you heard a faint snore coming from down the hall.

“Holy crap.”  
“I told you! Imagine being in there next to it.”

He shook his head, yawning as he raised his hands over his head. You turned back to the refrigerator, smiling when you found a pizza box on the bottom shelf. You opened the box and took out a piece, taking a bite before you fixed the box and put it back. You turned to see Sam making a face at you.

“What?”  
“How can you eat it cold?”  
“Are you kidding me? Cold pizza is one of God’s greatest creations.”

Sam smiled.

“I don’t really think pizza is one of God’s creations. It’s more of a man-made thing.”  
“Whatever, heathen.”

Sam laughed, and you went back to your pizza, humming as you chewed. Sam licked his lips, then spoke softly.

“Dean said Cassie has to get up kind of early in the morning, so if we could all be quiet…”

You looked to him and he winced, then shrugged his shoulders.

“I’m just the messenger.”  
“What does he expect me to do, start vacuuming now, before the sun even comes up? When have I ever done that? Just so you know, I’m not rearranging my life for her. He can all he wants, but I don’t owe her anything. If I want to make noise right now, then by God, I’ll do it.”

Sam slowly nodded, and you ran your hand down your face. You let out a shaky sigh, then shook your head.

“It’s bad enough that he’s dating her, but why does he have to bring her here and rub it in my face?”

Sam walked up behind you and rubbed one of his big hands up and down your back. He gently took hold of your shoulder and turned you around, and you buried your face in his chest as his arms came around you.

“I’m really sorry, Y/N.”

You let out a shaky breath.

“Me too, Sammy.”

* * *

 

You yawned as you walked down the hallway, stopping in the kitchen door and pulling your short robe tighter around you. Dean turned back from the stove and smiled.

“Hey, sleepyhead.”  
“You try working until four A.M. and let’s see what a morning person you are.”

Dean laughed as you walked past him to the refrigerator, pulling out the quart of chocolate milk you just couldn’t live without. You poured yourself a glass, taking a sip before you realized how quiet Dean was. You set the glass on the counter, then crossed your arms over your chest.

“Okay, what’s up?”

Green eyes were wide when he looked back at you.

“Nothing.”

You lifted an eyebrow, and Dean let out a sigh.

“Okay, something. I need to talk to you, man to man.”

You rolled your eyes, unable to keep the smile off your face. Dean motioned to the table and you took a seat, eyes widening when he set a plate in front of you.

“Wow. This is impressive. I’m not sure whether to be worried or thankful for whatever this talk is.”

Dean smiled, taking the seat across from you. He licked his lips, then took a deep breath.

“Cassie and I have been thinking about moving in together.”

The smile slid from your face as you stared at him, and Dean swallowed before continuing.

“We’re pretty serious, you know, and I just … think this is the next logical step.”

You slowly nodded, then blinked a few times.

“Wow.”

Dean nodded, and you looked down at your plate, appetite vanished, as you spoke.

“So would you …?”  
“Well, that’s what we’re trying to decide. Her place is nice, but it’s expensive. Even if I chip in on rent, it’s still expensive. Here, though…”

You let out a laugh.

“We’re kind of full here, Dean. Me, you, Sam and Jess. And I’m not sharing my bathroom with anyone, you know that.”

Dean rubbed a hand over his face, and you suddenly got a sinking feeling. He stared at his hands, speaking softly.

“I’m not suggesting anything at all, but … I mean, she said that maybe … maybe you wouldn’t feel comfortable living with–”  
“Stop.”

He lifted his head, and you stared at him.

“Are you trying to tell me that I need to move out so your  _girlfriend_ can move in and feel comfortable here?”  
“Don’t say it like that.”  
“How the fuck else am I supposed to say it? She wants you to make it sound like you’re doing me a favor while you’re basically evicting me, when  _I’m_  the one who found us this damn apartment way before Cassie was in the picture.”

You all but spit her name out, and you stood up, pushing your hands through your hair as you paced a lap around the kitchen. You stopped and looked him right in the face.

“This is low, Dean. Even for you.”  
“Come on, pretty girl. Don’t say that.”  
“What am I supposed to say? ‘Oh, Dean, that’s a wonderful idea! I’d love to be homeless so your girlfriend can leave her expensive apartment and use mine as a spare closet.”  
“Now that’s unfair.”

You let out an unbelieving laugh.

“Are you shitting me?! Tell me this is one of those hidden camera things, because if it’s not, I don’t …”

You turned away from him, staring at the picture on the wall, the one of you and Sam and Dean on the day you all moved in, before Sam met Jess. You were all sweaty, exhausted, and each had paint splattered all over. Sam was laughing so hard his eyes were closed, and Dean was leaning forward, mouth open as he laughed, and you …

You were staring at Dean, the love you felt all but written all over your face.

You shook your head, biting your cheek, but eventually being unable to keep the tears from your eyes. Dean let out a breath behind you and you heard his chair scoot back from the table.

“I … I went about this the wrong way. We can–we can talk about it another time.”

You sniffled and he went still.

“Y/N?”

You turned to him, watching his face fall as he saw the tears slipping down your cheeks. 

“Oh god, Y/N, no.”  
“I hope she makes you happy.”  
“Don’t cry. Y/N, wait.”

You left the kitchen and walked back to your room, slamming the door and locking it before burying your face in your pillow, screaming into it before the tears came too hard, choking off your voice.

* * *

 

You heard the gentle knock at your door as you were sitting on your bed, watching the sun come up. The door pushed open and Jess stood there, leaning her curly blonde head against the doorframe.

“Hey, you.”

You smiled, turning to look out the window again. Jess sniffled, the cold still raging through her body, and walked into the room. She stopped, eyes going wide as she blinked while she looked around the room.

“Where’s all your stuff?”  
“In my car.”  
“Why?”

Tears filled your eyes again, and you sniffled, speaking through them. 

“Dean wants Cassie to move in, and Cassie wants me to move out.”  
“Are you shitting me?”

You couldn’t help the laugh that slipped through your lips. You shook your head and Jess walked over, taking your hand.

“You are  _not_ moving out. Cassie does not live here, and if it means losing you, she never will.”

You smiled, squeezing Jess’ hand.

“Dean said that Cassie told him I might not feel comfortable living here with you and Sam and her and Dean. Fifth wheel, I guess.”  
“Have Sam and I ever made you feel like a third wheel?”

You looked into worried brown eyes, and you smiled.

“Not usually.”

Jess narrowed her eyes and you let out a laugh. You shook your head, tears coming to your eyes again.

“I love him, Jess.”  
“I know you do.”

She spoke softly, and you nodded.

“This hurts.”

You let out a laugh, then shook your head.

“For her to suggest it, that doesn’t surprise me. But for him to agree to it? Jess, that’s … it  _hurts_.”

You looked down at your hands, noticing how slender and pale Jess’ hand was. She was a perfect match for Sam, and you and Dean had a bet going on how long it would be before one of them proposed. Of course, the guy usually did the proposing, but you had a feeling that Jess wouldn’t wait on Sam much longer before she went ahead and did it herself.

“You know …”

Jess’ words brought you back to reality, and you sniffled before you looked over to her. She reached over and brushed a stray piece of hair off your forehead.

“Maybe you should tell him.”  
“Jess.”  
“You’ve been in love with him for, what? Like twenty years? Don’t you think it’s time?”  
“Don’t you think it’s obvious? I mean, pretty much everyone knows that I’m in love with Dean  _except_ for Dean. And besides that, he’s so disgustingly happy with Cassie. Who am I to try to get in the middle of that?”

Jess shook her head.

“It’s not worth you moving out. You were here before I was. So technically, if anyone else is moving in, I should be the one to move out.”  
“That’s not how it works, Jessie, and you know that. Besides, Sam would go all caveman and lock you in the bedroom if you even said the words ‘move out.’” 

Jess nodded in agreement, and you let out a laugh. After a quiet moment, you spoke softly.

“Maybe this is for the best. I’m never going to be able to move on like this. Living with him, being around him every second of every day and not being  _with_ him is … brutal. Maybe I can finally start to live, you know?”

Jess ran a hand through your ponytail as you sniffled.

“I don’t want you to go.”  
“I probably won’t be far.”  
“Are you going to Ellen?”

You shrugged your shoulders.

“I already work for her. I don’t want to ask if she can give me a place to stay  _and_ a job.”  
“She would kick your ass if she knew you needed a place to stay and you didn’t go to her first.”

You nodded, tears slipping down your cheeks. You turned to Jess and gave her a smile, then stood up.

“I’m going to go before everybody wakes up.”  
“Y/N …”

You turned to her, still sitting on the bed, and she let out a breath, then stood up and wrapped you in her arms. You closed your eyes and hugged her back, and she whispered in your ear.

“Be careful, and call me if you need anything. And don’t be afraid to come back home, okay?”

You nodded, and she squeezed you before you stepped away from her, walking down the hall and out the front door without looking back. 

* * *

 

Sam walked into the apartment after his run and groaned. He stretched his arms out before turning side to side, gasping slightly when his spine popped. He slipped his shoes off at the door and walked silently down the hall, intent on taking a shower. He stopped though, when he saw his girlfriend curled up on one end of the couch, staring out the window.

“Jessie?”

She looked over to him and his heart sank when he saw the tears on her cheeks. He shook his head and stepped forward, sitting on the coffee table in front of her, reaching out and taking her hands.

“What is it? What’s wrong?”

She sniffled, then let out a shaky breath.

“Have you talked to your brother?”  
“Not since yesterday. He was in a funky mood when I woke up, and then he took off.”

Jess nodded, sniffling again.

“Apparently, Cassie wants to move in, and she suggested to Dean that it might be better if Y/N moves out.”  
“Are you shitting me?”

Jess shook her head.

“She left this morning.”  
“She what?!”

Sam stood up, all but jogging down the hall, hearing Jess’ soft, hurried steps as she followed him. Sam pushed open your bedroom door, mouth falling open when he saw the bare walls, the empty bed without sheets on it. Your television and computer were gone, the shelves bare without the books and DVDs that usually filled them.

He turned to look at Jess, saw the tears well up in her eyes again as she looked into the now-empty room. He set his teeth together, turning on his heel and walking across the hall, banging his fist against Dean’s bedroom door.

“Dean, get the fuck up  _now_!”

Jess watched him wide brown eyes as he banged on the door again.

“If you don’t open it right now, I’ll fucking break it down!”

The door swung open to reveal a pissed-off Dean, in a pair of plaid pajama pants and nothing else.

“What the hell is your problem, Sam?”  
“Apparently your girlfriend when she forces my friends to leave.”

There was a rustle in the room, and a few seconds later, Cassie stood behind Dean, in one of his flannel shirts.

“Excuse me?”  
“Who gave you the right to think you could come in here and make someone who lives here not welcome?”  
“Sam, what the hell are you–”  
“And you. What possessed you to give her the idea to move out?”  
“Who?”

Jess rolled her eyes at Cassie.

“Y/N.”

Dean let out a sigh, then pushed his hand through his hair.

“Look, I tried to talk to her yesterday, and things … we’re going to talk later.”

Jess snorted.

“Good luck with that. She’s gone.”

Dean looked at Jess, then met Sam’s eyes.

“What is she talking about?”  
“She’s talking about that, Dean.”

Sam turned to the side, pointing towards the bedroom across the hall. Dean narrowed his eyes and walked across the hall, pushing open the door Jess had shut. A few seconds later, he was back in front of Sam, green eyes wide.

“Where is she? Where’s all her stuff?”  
“Guess she took your advice that your  _lovely_ girlfriend gave and took off.”  
“Dean, I …”

Cassie rubbed a hand over her mouth and Dean looked back to Sam.

“Where is she?”  
“I don’t know, Dean.”  
“She left while everyone was still asleep.”

The boys turned to Jess, who shrugged her shoulders.

“She said it would be easier that way.”

Jess turned and walked down the hall, into her and Sam’s bedroom. Dean ran a hand over his face and looked up as Cassie walked up, now fully dressed.

“I think it would probably be best if I go.”

Dean nodded, and she walked down the hall. A few seconds later, the door opened and shut, and Sam turned to Dean, getting right in his personal space.

“I don’t care what it takes, or what you have to do. Fix this.”

Sam turned on his heel and walked down the hall, slamming his bedroom door. Dean ran a hand down his face and walked back across the hall, pushing open the door, not ready for the pain that assaulted his chest when he stared into the empty room. 

* * *

 

_“Okay, just keep an open mind, all right?”  
_

_Good natured grumbled sounded from the Winchester boys, and you rolled your eyes as you unlocked the door. They followed in behind you, quiet as they surveyed the apartment._

_“There are three bedrooms, each one with its own bathroom. Community living room and kitchen, laundry room past the kitchen. Rent split three ways is kind of a steal, and we could chip in on groceries, or buy our own or whatever. I’m thinking I’m going to be doing most of the cooking, since Sam burns cereal somehow.”_  
“That was one time, and I was half-asleep when I mixed the cereal with the oatmeal!”  


_You smiled as he blew out a breath, then looked over to Dean. He was looking around one of the bedrooms, lips pursed as his eyes danced across the room. He turned back to see you standing in the room across the hall from him, and you both glanced down to see Sam in the room at the end. You smiled._

_“Huh. Guess we’ve kind of staked our claims.”  
_

_Dean nodded his head, looking over at his brother, then back to you._

_“Okay, I got to admit. This place is awesome.”_  
“I know! Isn’t it great?”  
“You did good, pretty girl.”  


_You smiled, and Dean walked across the hall, taking you in his arms and kissing the top of your head, both of you laughing when Sam ran up and made it a group hug._

* * *

 

Dean held a hand over his mouth, shaking his head as he sat down on your bed. He heard footsteps in the hall and he looked over, hope in his heart for just a moment before Jess’ blonde head looked into the room. Dean shook his head.

“She’s gone.”

Jess nodded.

“I know. Isn’t it  _great_? Isn’t it everything you and Cassie wanted?”

She rolled her eyes at him, then walked away. Dean turned to lay back on your bed, staring up at the ceiling. He let one hand come down, reaching under your mattress. He made a face when he felt something, grabbing hold of it and pulling it out, holding it in his line of sight.

It was the cherry stem you’d tied in a knot for him.

There was a knot in his stomach suddenly, a crushing weight on his chest, and he leaped off your bed, running into his room and grabbing his phone, scrolling through it until he found your name. The phone rang four times, before he groaned as your voicemail message sounded. He hung up without leaving a message and called you back, counting the rings until your voicemail picked up. When he called and the phone immediately went to voicemail, it took everything in him not to throw his phone against the wall. Instead, he let the voicemail greeting play, then waited for the beep.

“Hey, it’s me. Listen, I … I fucked up. You have to come home, okay? Just … Call me when you get this and I’ll come get you, wherever you are. Please don’t … I can’t lose you, okay? Come home.”

He ended the call, setting the phone on his dresser, stepping back and sitting on the edge of his bed, waiting for a ring he didn’t think would ever come.

 


	2. Drinkin' Me Lonely

Sam pulled the Impala up to a parking spot close to the door and let out a sigh. He climbed out of the car and pocketed the keys, sticking his hands in his pockets as he walked to the door and pulled it open.

The usual smell assaulted his nose, the combination of “Bud, blood, and beer nuts” that Ash, the resident mullet-haired genius (when he decided to pull himself out of the bottle–no, can of PBR) loved so much. Sam looked around, seeing brown eyes across the bar locked on him, and he let out a sigh. He walked over and took a seat, glancing down at the end and shaking his head. Jo stepped in front of him, placing a glass of water on the bar. Sam nodded to her and she spoke softly.

“Thanks for coming.”  
“Thanks for calling.”

Jo glanced down to the end of the bar and shook her head.

“It’s bad tonight.”

Sam took a sip of his water.

“He tell you why?”

Jo shook her head, grabbing a rag from under the bar and starting to wipe it off.

“Nope. For the past week, pretty much all he says to me is “another,” aside from all but begging me to tell him where Y/N is.”

Sam nodded, then leaned over the bar.

“Is she here?”

Jo bit her lip, then spoke as softly as Sam had.

“She switched to working mornings and afternoons. Tips are shit then, but Mom makes sure she’s okay.”

Sam nodded slowly.

“Is she? Okay?”

Jo let out a sigh.

“She’s stopped coming into my room when I get off now. She used to be waiting on me, because she didn’t like to be alone. But to be completely honest … she’s miserable.”

Sam nodded, looking down the bar, wincing as he watched his brother slowly finish his drink, then turn the glass upside-down on the bar. He let out a breath, then looked back to Jo.

“Cassie called. She, uh … She’s got to go out of town or something for work for a while, and she thought it might be best if she and Dean took that time to … be apart, I guess.”

Jo’s eyes widened.

“So they’re … what? On a break or something?”  
“I guess you could say that.”

Jo slowly nodded, and Sam let out a breath.

“I can hear the wheels in your mind turning, Joanna.”  
“Like you’re not thinking the same damn thing.”

Sam smiled, licking his lips.

“Jess is already on it, but a little help from you probably wouldn’t hurt.”

Jo smiled when Sam winked at her, and he finished off the glass of water. He stood up, pulling his wallet from the back pocket of his jeans.

“How much is his tab?”

Jo scrunched up her nose as she thought, glancing down at the bar, then back to Sam.

“We’ll say sixty.”  
“Did he get the bottle again?”  
“Trying to water it down a bit doesn’t work on him. I did manage to stretch this bottle over a couple of nights, though.”  
“Thanks, Jo. You’re the best, you know?”

Jo rolled her eyes, but smiled, and Sam laid four twenty’s on the bar before walking to his brother. He laid a hand on Dean’s shoulder, and bleary eyes turned to see him before Sam sighed.

“Come on, Dean. Let’s go home.”

Dean snorted.

“’Home.’ That’s cute. We don’t have a home anymore, Sam. I ruined it.”

Sam sighed, putting a hand under Dean’s arm and helping him stand. Dean looked up into the mirror over the bar and shook his head.

“She’s not here, Sammy.”  
“Come on, Dean. Walk with me.”  
“She won’t answer my calls. I call her everyday.”

Sam got Dean to take a few shaky steps, and they stopped at the door, giving Sam time to push it and step to where his big body was holding it open before leading his brother through it. Dean grumbled about having to sit in the passenger’s seat, but Sam ignored it until he crawled in the driver’s side. He started the car, then stopped, watching as Dean fumbled through the box of tapes under his seat. He finally chose one, then pushed it into the player, fast-forwarding until slow strums of a guitar could be heard.

_‘I’m pushin’ you away_  
Each time I pull up that ol’ barstool.  
Drownin’ you  
In every drop I drink.

_I’m tellin’ you to go to Hell,_  
But I’m talkin’ to myself,  
‘Cause you’re not around  
To hear what I think.

_I’m tryin’ to teach my heart to hate you,_  
But it ain’t workin’ right.  
Now the truth is I’m only  
Drinkin’ me lonely tonight.”

Sam looked at his brother, until Dean shrugged his shoulders.

“It’s Y/N’s favorite singer. Chris … somebody.”  
“Chris Young.”  
“Yeah. It’s one of his old songs that she put on a tape ‘cause I won’t put a CD player in here. I can’t get the damn thing out of my head.”

Sam rubbed a hand over his chin, glancing up at the bar he hadn’t driven away from yet. He knew she had to be upstairs, might even be staring out the window at the Impala. It would be so easy to go up there and get her, bring her down to let her talk to Dean, see if she could stop the assault he was giving his liver. 

But he couldn’t. 

Sam blew out a breath, putting the car in reverse and pulling out of the parking lot, keeping his mouth shut when Dean rewound the tape and played the song again.

* * *

 

Jo knocked on the door, opening to find you standing at the window, curtain at your fingertips as you stared into the parking lot.

“You should give him a call.”

You let out a quiet laugh, bringing your other hand up to wipe the tears from your eyes.

“That’s not part of the plan, Jo.”  
“Remind me what the ‘plan’ is again?”

She walked in and sat on the bed, and you let out a sigh. You watched the Impala drive away, then crossed your arms over your chest, walking over and sitting beside Jo.

“I can’t get over him if I’m always around him.”  
“But cutting him off completely helps?”

You nodded, then shook your head.

“No, it hurts like hell.”  
“Well, you’re not the only one hurting here.”

You pursed your lips, then spoke softly, staring at the wall across from the bed.

“He has a girlfriend, Jo. One that’s not me.”  
“She’s also … Never mind.”

You narrowed your eyes when you looked next to you.

“What?”

Jo shook her head, and you went on.

“What, Jo?”  
“Sam told me that …”

She let out a breath.

“Sam said that Cassie’s going on some business trip, and she and Dean are going to take a break while she’s gone.”

You felt your heart pound in your chest, and Jo pushed a hand through her hair.

“I’m just thinking it might be easier for you to at least talk to him without the threat of Cassie coming around.”

You swallowed, watching as Jo stood up and walked to the door. You fell back to the bed, spending the rest of the night staring up at the ceiling.

* * *

 

Dean woke up around noon the next day, head pounding, throat dry and aching. He sat up in bed and put a hand to his head, wincing at the motions and the pain they sent through his body. He fumbled for the ibuprofen and bottle of Gatorade that Sam placed on his nightstand last night, swallowing the pills before taking slow sips of the drink. 

He let out a sigh and stood up, sitting back down on the bed as his phone rang. He groaned, because he didn’t want to talk to Cassie, but grabbed the phone and answered it anyway. 

“Hello?”

The voice that sounded in his ear wasn’t Cassie’s, and the sweet sound of it made his heart stutter to a stop in his chest.

_“Hey, Dean. It’s me.”_

 


	3. Between the Raindrops

_“I can’t believe you called.”_

You were sitting on the bed in the little apartment above the bar, twisting your hair around your fingers. You let out a quite laugh before you spoke.

“I can’t believe it, either.”  
 _“Are you okay?”_

You closed your eyes, willing the tears–the ones that had appeared as soon as you’d heard Dean’s voice–to disappear and not start sliding down your face. You let out a shaky breath.

“Yeah, I’m okay.”  
 _“Are you at Ellen’s?”_  
“Dean…”  
 _“I knew you were. Why didn’t you answer my calls? Why didn’t you come down when I was at the bar?”_  
“It’s not that simple, Dean.”

He let out an exasperated breath, then spoke again, softly.

_“Come home.”_  
“Dean, I–”  
 _“I’m miserable here without you.”_

Your breath caught in your chest, and you slid off the bed to sit on the floor, curling your knees up under you. You spoke again, barely even a whisper.

“You can’t say things like that.”  
 _“I don’t understand it, but I … I need you here. Come back to me.”_

You put your head in the hand that wasn’t holding the phone and couldn’t stop the tears from falling.

“You’ve got Cassie, Dean.”  
 _“Christ, pretty girl, please stop crying.”_

You let out a watery laugh, shaking your head. He blew out a breath, and you listened to rustling and his muttering before you heard the jingling of his keys.

“Dean, no.”  
 _“I’m not going to sit here and listen to you cry. I’ll be at the Roadhouse in twenty minutes. Meet me outside.”_  
“Dean, you can’t–”

The dial tone sounded in your ear and you let out a groan as you laid down on the floor, rolling onto your back and staring up at the ceiling. 

* * *

 

You were sitting outside when the Impala rolled into the parking lot. You didn’t move from the bench beside the door, and you listened as the car shut off, then gave a quiet groan as the driver’s side door was opened, then closed. You listened to heavy bootsteps, then let out a sigh as you looked up. 

Dean looked back at you for a moment, then took the seat beside you. The two of you sat in silence, staring out over the empty parking lot. Dean licked his lips, looking down at his hands as he slowly rubbed them together.

“Will you be straight with me?”

You swallowed, then nodded.

“I always have.”

He nodded, taking in a breath, letting it out slowly.

“Why did you leave? It wasn’t because I royally fucked that conversation up. I mean, a year ago, if I’d done that, you would have slapped me and told me to go to hell.”

You smiled, and he shook his head.

“Why did you leave?”

You let out a long, shaky breath.

“I had to, because … Because I couldn’t bear to see you and Cassie together every second of every day. I can’t … I can’t live with that, Dean.”  
“Why not?”

He’d whispered his question, almost like he was afraid of the answer he already knew he’d get. You smiled, even though it was painful, blinking through the tears in your eyes.

“Because I love you.”

His emerald eyes drifted shut and you sniffled, looking back over the parking lot. You shook your head, then sighed.

“I always have. I’ve been really good at hiding it for all these years. Just here lately, it … It’s gotten … I don’t know. And I–I like Cassie. She’s nice and funny and gorgeous, but seeing you with her just … hurts.”

You sighed.

“When you told me that you wanted her to move in…”

You shook your head.

“I felt like someone had punched me in the stomach. Took all the wind out of my sails, you know? And leaving seemed like the easiest thing for me to do. I’ll never …”

You sniffled again, letting out a shaky breath before you spoke.

“I’m never going to be able to move forward with my life if I’m constantly around you, constantly reminded of what I can never have.”

You let out another shaky breath.

“So that’s why I’m going to stay here. I’ll finish paying rent until the lease is up, and then you and Sam and Jess and Cassie can split it.”

Dean shook his head, voice hoarse.

“It’s your home. You need to come home.”  
“It’s not home for me anymore, Dean. Home’s not supposed to hurt.”

You gathered courage that you didn’t know you had, leaning over and brushing your fingers through his hair, before leaning in and pressing your lips against his cheek. You rested your forehead against his temple, then stood up and walked back in the Roadhouse.

Jo and Ash stepped out from the kitchen as soon as you shut the door behind you, and they ran around the bar, catching you as you stumbled. You collapsed onto one of the barstools, pillowing your arms on the bar and putting your head on them, crying hard as Jo rubbed your back and Ash gently ran his fingers through your hair. 

* * *

 

Dean sat on the bench for a long time after you went back inside. He stared out over the parking lot, mind racing, stomach churning. 

Your little declaration hadn’t exactly surprised him, and he couldn’t really understand why. You’d never said it like that before. He knew that you loved him, and he loved you back, but to hear that you  _loved_ him…

The more he thought about it, the more obvious it seemed. You may have never told him that you loved him, but you sure as hell showed him. 

Baking his favorite pies for every holiday, his birthday, and sometimes just for the hell of it.  
Sewing up his work shirts whenever he got holes in them, which he did probably once a month.  
Making sure he always had a clean shirt for work.  
And that he had a lunch, even if you had to bring it to him.   
Staying up with him to marathon Clint Eastwood movies whenever they came on TV, even though the monkey kind of creeped you out.  
Making chicken and rice soup when he was sick, because it reminded him of his mom and made him feel better.  
Sitting with him and talking about his mom when the memories got too much for him to handle.  
Not to mention practically moving in when his dad died.  
Packing your stuff when he told you that he needed to get the hell away from Lawrence two days after John’s funeral.   
Not saying a word when that road trip stretched out over the next year.  
Packing your stuff again and moving with him again when Sam started grad school, settling in a little Nebraska town and making friends and creating a little family for the three of you.

And Dean hadn’t seen it.

He’d taken you for granted, and now he felt like he was drowning. 

He heard a crack of thunder, a few seconds before the sky opened up and began pouring rain. He closed his eyes, letting his head fall back on his shoulders, soaking in the feel of the rain on his skin. 

* * *

 

You listened to the rain as it fell on the roof of the bar, lying on the pool table beside Ash. He’d fallen asleep a little while ago, snoring softly, and you just lay there, staring up at the cracks in the ceiling. 

You blinked, moving your head slightly, then groaning. 

“Jo, bring me a pan!”

Ash startled when you yelled, but snorted and went back to sleep. You shook your head, sitting up and wiping the raindrops off of your face. Jo walked in from the kitchen, handing you a pan, and you settled it under the drip. 

You stretched your arms over your head, letting out a yawn. Jo was chewing on her lips, and you let your arms fall back to your sides.

“What?”

She let out a sigh.

“The Impala’s still here. And it’s Sunday, and we’re closed, so…”

You let out a breath, looking over to the door. You swallowed, then nodded. Jo nodded back to you, then walked back to the kitchen. You chewed on the inside of your cheek for a moment, then let out another breath. You walked to the door and opened it, feeling your heart sink when you saw him, still sitting there on the bench, soaked to the skin. 

You grabbed Ellen’s umbrella and opened it, stepping out into the rain. You shivered at the drop in temperature, then walked over to the bench. You pushed your fingers through Dean’s hair, and he looked up at you, eyes wide and lips nearly blue. You gave him a small smile, then motioned with your head. 

He stood up, putting his cold hand in yours, and you led him inside. You bypassed the bar, smiling when you heard a loud snore from Ash, and walked up the stairs. Dean followed you into the bathroom, where you started the shower, letting the bathroom fill with steam. You turned to him and gave him a small smile.

“Ash has some manly-smelling stuff in there, but feel free to use mine or Jo’s flowery body wash.”

He gave the slightest hint of a smile, and you pushed on.

“Leave your clothes on the floor and I’ll go throw them in the dryer.”  
“Y/N.”  
“Get in before you freeze or catch pneumonia.”  
“Y/N, wait.”  
“Dean.”

He met your eyes and you smiled.

“Please.”

He kept his eyes on you, then nodded, turning his back to you and beginning to pull off his wet clothes. You turned and faced the door, waiting until you heard the shower curtain slide closed before you gathered up the wet clothes and walked downstairs. 

Jo was waiting for you in the laundry room, and you let out a sigh.

“Don’t.”  
“I wasn’t.”  
“You lie.”

She sighed, crossing her arms over her chest, then shaking her head.

“I do not understand you.”  
“Well, that makes two of us.”  
“You come in here crying like your heart’s broken, and then you’re leading him around like a lost puppy and drying his clothes. He’s got a girlfriend to do this stuff for him, Y/N.”

You smiled.

“Thanks for the reminder, Jo. I’c completely forgotten.”  
“I’m not trying to be a bitch. I’m just saying–”  
“No, I get it. I know exactly what you’re saying. And trust me, I’d like nothing more than to be able to cut him out of my life and never think of him again, but  _I can’t_.”

You slammed the dryer door shut, then started back upstairs.

“Let me know when those are dry, will you?”

You didn’t stick around to hear her reply; you just walked back up to your room and shut the door behind you. You stopped when you saw him sitting on your bed, a towel wrapped around his waist, a black t-shirt in his hands. You couldn’t stop the smile that spread across your face, and he looked up at you, lifting the shirt just a bit. You nodded.

“There’s an interesting story behind that.”

He smiled, looking down at it and nodding.

“I remember. We drove for twenty-four straight hours to get to the show.”  
“It was his last one. We couldn’t miss seeing Garth Brooks before he retired.”

Dean nodded, running his fingers over the list on the back of the shirt.

“I thought we lost this.”

You shook your head.

“I couldn’t let that happen. I guess I … stole it and kept it myself.”

Dean lifted his eyes, and you took in a breath at the emotion you saw there. He shook his head, licking his lips before he spoke.

“I didn’t see it. All these years you’ve been with me, and I didn’t see it.”  
“Dean–”  
“I see it now.”

You looked down at your hands.

“Y/N, I–”  
“Please, don’t … Don’t give me the ‘friend’ speech. I don’t think I can handle it.”

He looked back at the shirt in his hands and spoke softly.

“I can’t lose you.”  
“But you don’t love me back.”

He lifted his head, and you gave him a smile, tears shimmering in your eyes. 

“It’s okay.”  
“No, it’s not.”

You nodded, then let out a shaky breath.

“No, it’s not. But it has to be.”

You sniffled, walking towards the bathroom, and Dean took hold of your wrist, standing up and pulling you close. You took in a breath, breathing in the sharp scent of Irish Spring and the underlying scent of Dean. You lifted a shaky hand to rest against his chest, and he leaned forward. You whimpered and shook your head, the two of you so close you could feel his breath against your lips.

“Don’t.”  
“Y/N–”  
“You’ve got a girlfriend. You have Cassie, and she loves you, and you love her.”  
“Y/N, please.”  
“The last thing I need from you is a pity kiss or sex or whatever you’re thinking. I can’t be the one you use to see what it would be like before you run back to your girlfriend. I  _can’t_ , Dean.”

He let out a breath, letting you go and stepping backwards, falling back on the bed. You push your hands through your hair then turn and leave the room, making it halfway down the stairs before your knees shake and you have to sit down.  

* * *

 

Dean sat on the bed, staring at the carpet, trying to figure out what the fuck was going on. You were in love with him, and he …

God, he was so confused all of a sudden. 

He wanted so badly to talk to you, because you’d always been the voice of reason for him. When he had a problem, he’d go to you, and you’d help him figure it out without just telling him what to do. 

But when the problem was you …

He pushed a hand through his hair, letting out a breath. He looked up when the door opened, feeling like a balloon out of air when Jo stepped inside, his clothes in her hands. She cleared her throat, then spoke.

“Here’s your stuff, all nice and dry. You should … you should get dressed, and then you need to go.”

Dean blinked, eyes narrowing.

“You kicking me out, Joanna?”

Jo looked at the floor, then back to him.

“She’s my best friend, Dean. I can’t … I don’t want this to come down to picking sides, but if it does, I’m on hers. Just so you know.”

Dean blinked as she turned around and walked away, closing the door behind her. He reached up and rubbed at his chest, staring at the neatly folded clothes, knowing immediately that Jo hadn’t been the one to fold them. 

He swallowed, tugging the clothes on, unable to shake the feeling that he’d lost something so important, so dear to him.


	4. Rise Above This Mess

For the next month, the days seemed to drag on. You stayed at Ellen and Jo’s, but eventually slid back into your regular shift at the bar. Hanging out was awkward now, because Dean would make excuses to get out of it. You loved Sam and Jess and usually had a great time with them, but Dean had been your best friend. You kind of felt like you’d lost a lung, as hard as it was to breathe sometimes.

The check you mailed to Sam for your rent came back uncashed every month, and when you confronted him about it, he said he’d never gotten anything in the mail from you. Cassie didn’t move in, and Jess not-so-nonchalantly dropped hints about the empty room they weren’t using. 

But Cassie and Dean kept coming to the bar, and she’d give you weird looks when Dean stared into his drink instead of talking to you. 

Until one night. 

* * *

 

“Hey, who’s that?”

Jo flicked her eyes up from the beer she was pouring, smiling when she saw you down at the end of the bar, leaning over and chatting with the new security guard. She looked in front of her, to Dean, then back to the beer.

“Name’s Benny La … something. He just moved here from Louisiana. Mom hired him as a bouncer/security.”  
“What’s he doing talking to Y/N?”

Jo raised an eyebrow.

“Uh … she’s friendly? It’s quiet tonight and he’s still settling in. She’s got a calming presence about her, you know that.”  
“Yeah, but shouldn’t he be … patrolling or something?”  
“Like I  _just_ said, it’s a quiet night. He can see the entire bar from where he’s sitting.”

Jo grabbed a cocktail napkin and walked away from the bar to deliver the beer. Dean continued to watch the other end of the bar, narrowing his eyes when you threw your head back and laughed, causing the guy … Benny … to smile widely.

“Hey, there he is!”

Dean turned to see Cassie a few seconds before her lips were on his. He automatically smiled, scooting over just a bit for her to sit down. Sam took the seat on the other side of Dean, Jess leaning against his knee. Jo walked back behind the bar, greeting everyone and taking drink orders. As she started fixing the drinks, Jess glanced over her shoulder, mouth falling open a few seconds before she slapped Sam’s shoulder. He jolted at first, then squeezed her hips.

“What, baby?”

Jess waited until Jo walked back over, setting the beers and Cassie’s martini on the bar. Jess nodded her thanks, then tilted her head to the right.

“Who’s the new guy?”

Jo glanced that way, then laughed.

“Name’s Benny. He just moved here from Louisiana, and personally, I think he likes him some Y/N.”

Everyone turned then, in such a comical way that Jo couldn’t help but laugh. You looked over at the sound, seeing everyone’s eyes on you, and you felt your cheeks warm. You raised a hand and wiggled your fingers, and they all smiled and waved back.

Everyone except Dean.

* * *

 

You looked down at the bar, glancing back up when Benny gently cleared his throat. You met his ice blue eyes and he gave you a soft smile.

“That the guy you been telling me about?”

You smiled and nodded.

“Yeah, that’s Dean. He was my best friend, and I was stupid enough to fall in love with him, and now we don’t even speak.”  
“I know how that goes. Sure as hell ain’t easy to get over. Hell, I moved six states away just to try, so believe me, darlin’. I get it.”

You smiled again, reaching over and patting Benny’s hand.

“Thanks.”  
“Aw, don’t thank me, shug. Look, I got to go–”  
“Act like you’re doing stuff?”

He narrowed his eyes, lips curling back in a grin.

“Watch it, bartender.”  
“Safe patrolling, officer.”  
“Ain’t an officer yet, shug.”  
“Eh, give it time.”

Benny gave you a wink, then pushed away from the bar, walking outside. You turned and picked up a rag, wetting it in the sink and ringing it out, then turning back around and letting out a laugh.

“Well, hello there, nosy.”

Jess grinned at you, then leaned over the bar. 

“All right, spill.”  
“What?”  
“Don’t play dumb with me. I’m talking about that hulk of a man that was hanging onto your every word over here.”

You felt your cheeks heat up and Jess’ mouth dropped open.

“Shut up! Tell me everything.”

You laughed, shaking your head, then leaning to rest your forearms on the bar.

“His name is Benny Lafitte. He just moved here from Louisiana due to a messy divorce. He’s Ellen’s security guard for now, but he’s trying to get on with the police department. He was an officer back in Louisiana. He’s also a really good cook, because the other night when Ash gave himself that concussion with the freezer…”

You rolled your eyes and Jess winced. Ash was a bit of a klutz, so the news wasn’t all that shocking to all who heard about it. You continued on, picking up the rag and wiping down the bar.

“Benny stepped in to man the kitchen and my god. You know Ellen taught Ash how to make those burgers that are so good, right?”

Jess nodded, and you shook your head.

“Benny’s burgers are better. I mean, sinfully good.”  
“You are making me regret salad night the other night.”

You laughed, and Jess ran her tongue along her teeth before she spoke.

“So you and Benny are getting to be friends?”

You nodded, studiously wiping the bar. Jess waited, and after a moment, you spoke.

“And we … might be going to lunch sometime this week.”  
“Shut up!”

You lifted your eyes to hers and shrugged your shoulders.

“We both work nights, so dinner’s out. We’ve been talking about grabbing a late lunch somewhere before we come into work.”

Jess stared at you with an open mouth, and you shrugged your shoulders again. She stood up, leaning over the bar and grabbing your face, pressing a smacking kiss to your cheek.You laughed, and Jess smiled.

“I’m so happy for you.”

You rolled your eyes.

“Come on, Jess. I’m going on a lunch date with him, not asking him to father my children.”

Jess laughed, then nodded.

“This is good for you. I bet he’ll be good for you.”

You looked down at your hands, then let out a breath.

“I hope so.”

* * *

 

The lunch date was good. It was honestly relaxing, and when the two of you went for a walk afterwards, your cheeks warmed when Benny slid his hand in yours. Holding his hand was comforting, the warmth of his skin against yours somehow helping you breathe easier. 

After that, the two of you seemed to find whatever excuse available to touch each other. His hand would slide over yours as you passed him bottles of water during your shifts. You’d lay your hand on his shoulder when you asked him something. His hand would rest at the small of your back when he stood behind you, and when he had a bad night after a call from home, you sat beside him and slid your hand over his, giving his hand a squeeze. He flipped his hand over and held yours, leaning to you and pressing his lips against your temple. You smiled at him, squeezing his hand again, then going back behind the bar and fixing a few cocktails for Jo. You glanced back, seeing Dean at the bar, but went back to your task without speaking to him.

He snorted, muttering under his breath, and you turned to face him.

“Did you say something?”

He let out a laugh, then shook his head.

“No, just wondering when Ellen started approving her employees fraternizing with each other.”

You let out a laugh.

“What the hell are you talking about?”  
“Oh, nothing. Don’t worry about it.”

You blew out a breath, shaking your head. You turned back when Dean spoke again.

“No, you know what? I’m serious. I don’t want to see you and what’s-his-face hanging all over each other. Don’t do that shit while you’re working.”

You stared at him, mouth dropping open.

“Are you kidding me?”  
“Nope.”  
“Dean, you practically suck Cassie’s lips off every time she walks in here. Don’t sit there and tell me I can’t hold hands with a guy when I want to.”  
“I’m just saying that it’s not very professional.”  
“Well, I’m a bartender, not the president. I’m not too worried with looking professional.”  
“Clearly.”

You ground your back teeth together, doing your best to ground yourself instead of flying across the bar and laying him out.

“What is it that you’ve got a problem with? The PDA or the fact that it’s me?”

Dean pursed his lips, not giving you an answer. You nodded.

“Well, you can take that double standard and shove it right up your ass. Fuck you, Winchester.”

He stared at you as you walked away, tossing the rag onto the bar. You yelled to Jo that you were taking a break and walked outside, the coolness of the night a welcome balm to your overheated skin. You shook your head, hands shaking from how mad you were, and you glanced back towards the bar, seeing a tall figure coming your way, hands out in front of him. You stepped forward, body still trembling.

“Did you hear that?”

Sam nodded, and you shook your head again.

“Where the hell does he get off? How can he say that to me?”  
“Y/N, he’s–”  
“I don’t want to hear you make excuses for him, Sam!”

Sam sighed, pushing a hand through his hair, and you put your hands on your hips.

“Benny has been having a shitty day, and I was just trying to offer some comfort. It’s not like I was straddling him during a lap dance.”

Sam winced, and you shook your head again.

“He doesn’t get to do this. He doesn’t get to not talk to me for a month, then when he finally does, it’s to make me feel bad. I’d rather he just kept cutting me out like he’s been doing.”

You rolled your eyes, then looked back at Sam, pain you couldn’t tamp down leaking out in your words.

“This is why you don’t fall in love with your friends. This is why you shouldn’t fall in love at all. The pain isn’t worth it.”

Sam stood there as you walked back to the bar, and he stared after you, rubbing a hand over his face before slowly trudging back inside.


	5. Tequila Talkin'

You took a long drink from the … well, okay. It  _technically_ wasn’t beer–no, there was no “technically.” You were drinking Smirnoff Ice blueberry lemonade, which Jo kept referring to as “bitch beer,” even though you preferred the term “cheerleader beer.” Actual beer was nasty, and you could only stomach it if you had plenty of hard liquor beforehand.

Dean always teased you about the girly drinks you loved. He’d never understood how you became such a good bartender when you didn’t even drink “real” beer. 

You rolled your eyes at the twinge in your heart, then blew out a breath, taking another sip of your drink, accidentally finishing the bottle. Luckily, Jess noticed, and handed you another as she took your empty.

“Thank you.”  
“Don’t. This is girl’s night, and we need to get very drunk.”

You laughed, glancing over at Jo, who nodded and took a sip of her beer. Actual beer, because Jo was a badass. The girl beside Jo took a sip of her beer, then made a face. You laughed, then nodded to her.

“Hey, Charlie?”

The redhead nodded to you and you motioned towards the fridge.

“You can drink some of my cheerleader beer, if you want.”  
“Bitch beer, you mean. Wuss.”

You shrugged your shoulders at Jo’s statement. 

“Beer tastes like horse piss, so…”  
“How do you know what horse piss tastes like?”

You laughed at the way Jo and Jess had spoken at the same time, and when you’d calmed down, you sighed.

“That’s what Dean told me.”

The room went quiet, and you groaned. You kicked your legs, helping yourself sit up from where you’d been draped sideways in a chair. You blinked widely when the room spun a bit, and you shook your head.

“Careful with the Smirnoffs. They’ll sneak up on you.”

Jess laughed, flopping onto the couch. Jo and Charlie were on the floor and you let out a sigh as you brought your legs up underneath you in the chair.

“I’m so sick of that.”

Jess and Jo exchanged a confused look, and you sighed.

“I can’t even say his name without the room going silent and at least one person giving me that “poor Y/N” look. I’m doing the best I can here, you know?”

Jess sighed, taking a sip of her drink.

“It’s just … This isn’t how it’s supposed to be. Dean’s not supposed to be with Cassie.”

You tried not to smile at the way Jess spit her name out, but you couldn’t help it. Jo nodded,moving to lay on her stomach on the floor.

“He’s supposed to be with you. He’s just too damn dumb to realize it.”

You looked at her, then smiled.

“You’re my friend. You  _have_ to say that.”  
“Bullshit. I can say whatever the hell I want. And right now, I want another beer.”

The rest of you fell into giggles, and Jo stood up, going to the kitchen and coming back with a beer for herself and a Smirnoff for Charlie. You and Jess exchanged a smile and you clapped your hands together. 

“Everybody took a shot before the beer, right?”

They all nodded, and you grinned.

“Awesome. Let’s play a game.”

* * *

 

Sam stepped into the apartment and blinked wide eyes, exhaling harshly.

“What the hell is that smell?”

Dean wrinkled his nose.

“It smells like the bar.”

They hung their coats by the door, dropping their keys and stopping at the living room, which was completely trashed. Also completely trashed and scattered around the room were their female friends. Sam let out a laugh when he saw Jess, lying face-first on the couch, one arm and one leg hanging off the edge. An unfamiliar redhead was on the floor on her side, a soup pan from the kitchen clutched in her arms. And Jo was upside-down in the chair, head and torso on the floor, butt and legs in the chair.

They shook their heads and Sam pushed a hand through his hair.

“Guess girls’ night got a little wild.”  
“No kidding. They apparently owe me a bottle of Jack.”

Sam saw the empty bottle lying near Jo’s hair and made a face.

“I’m sure they’ll pay you back.”

Dean snorted, then sighed, and Sam walked to the couch, gently pushing his fingers through Jess’ blonde curls.

“Baby? Hey, wake up.”

Bleary brown eyes slowly blinked open, and she groaned. When she saw Sam, a smile came over her face.

“Shammy’s home.”

Sam laughed, a sound echoed by his brother, who just shook his head.

“She’s trashed.”  
“No, I’m jus’ drunk. A lot drunk.”  
“Well, let’s get you to bed, okay?”

She nodded, and Sam helped her stand up, catching her when she stumbled and fell against him. She shook her head, bloodshot eyes meeting his.

“I don’ think my legsh work anymore.”  
“Hopefully they will tomorrow. Come here.”

Sam gently picked her up, and she laid her head on his shoulder as he carried her into their bedroom. Dean walked over to the chair and looked down at Jo, taking hold of her foot and giving it a gentle shake.

“Hey, Harvelle. Wake up, kiddo.”

Jo gave a quiet groan, hand moving to rub at her nose before she blinked her eyes open. Bleary and bloodshot, just like Jess, she looked up at Dean.

“When ‘id you get home?”  
“Five minutes ago. Come on, kiddo. Let’s get you to bed.”

Jo snorted, then giggled at herself.

“No ‘fense, Dean, but I don’t wanna go to bed with you.”

Dean let out a quiet laugh, shaking his head.

“Don’t worry, Blondie. I don’t really want to go to bed with you either.”

Jo shook her head, smacking her lips, accepting Dean’s help to get her legs out of the chair and sitting up.

“No, I mean I don’t want to fuck you. You don’t have the right equipment for me.”  
“Oh, whoa. Okay, then. That settles  _that_ question.”

Jo looked around, smiling and pointing at Charlie.

“Now her … Her I want to go to bed with. Idn’t she pretty?”  
“If you like redheads.”  
“I do.”

Dean laughed again, shaking his head and helping Jo to her feet. They slowly made their way to Y/N’s old room, and Dean swallowed as he pushed open the door, helping Jo onto the bed. She fell onto it face-first, and Dean shook his head. He started to go, and Jo sat up.

“Dee?”

He turned around and smiled at her, and she yawned widely.

“Help Charlie come here? She don’t need to sleep on the floor.”  
“I’ll get her, kid. Get some sleep.”

Jo nodded, and Dean went back to the living room, gathering Charlie and her pot in his arms, carrying them to the bed where Jo was already snoring. Dean snorted, lying the redhead beside Jo and covering them both with a blanket. He hoped they’d both be able to make it to the bathroom when their hangovers kicked in, then shut the door behind him as he walked down the hall to his room. 

He stretched his arms over his head, yawning widely as he walked over to his dresser, taking his watch and the cuff he always wore off his wrists. He rubbed absently over his left wrist, reaching back and tugging his t-shirt over his head, unbuttoning his jeans and letting them fall to the floor. 

He sat on the bed and ran his hands over his head, looking at the clock and letting out a sigh. He pulled the covers back and started to relax back with the book from his dresser, but he froze when his door creaked open.

He blinked when he saw you, a smile coming over his face at your obvious intoxication.

“Girls night got the best of you, didn’t it?”  
“’S Jess’ fault. Said I couldn’t beat her at quarters.”

Dean let out a laugh.

“I taught you how to play that game.”  
“And thass how I beat Jess.”

Dean laughed again, the sound fading and the smile sliding from his face when you pulled your shirt off, standing in front of him in your bra and jeans.

“Uh, Y/N, you…”  
“’S hot. And I’m sleepy. And drunk.”

Dean just watched as you walked over, pulling the covers back on the other side of his bed and climbing in.

“What are you doing?”  
“Going to sleep. People’s in my room.”

Dean couldn’t help but smile at that, and he climbed out of bed, walking around to you.

“Stand up.”  
“I’m sleepy.”  
“I know. Trust me here.”

You stood up, stumbling slightly, and he caught you. You groaned as you leaned forward, resting your forehead on his shoulder, and he let out a sigh.

“I got you. Just breathe.”

You nodded, and when you lifted your head, Dean turned to his dresser and pulled out a ratty Led Zeppelin t-shirt. He slid it over your head and you reached back, sliding your bra out of the sleeve a few seconds later.

“It’s fucking magic, I swear.”

You laughed, swaying on your feet, and Dean held you steady as you unbuttoned your jeans and stepped out of them. You crawled into bed, pulling the pillow closer and letting out a sigh. Dean sat beside you, brushing his fingers through your hair. You yawned, then sighed again.

“I miss you.”

Dean blinked, then pushed a smile on his face.

“I’m right here.”  
“That’s not what I mean. You don’t talk to me anymore, and I hate it. I love you, and I know you don’t love me, but I’ve known that for years and we were friends. I miss my friend.”

Dean closed his eyes at the pain that shot through his chest, and he let out a shaky breath. He looked down at you, saw your eyes, still pretty even in a haze of alcohol, staring back at him.

“I’m sorry. I don’t … I don’t know what to do.”

You licked your lips, then nodded.

“Yes, you do.”

You reached up, laying your hand over his heart. He covered your hand with his, and you smiled at him.

“In here, you know.”

Dean gave you a little smile, and you leaned forward, pressing your lips to his, then laying back down and sighing, falling almost immediately to sleep.

Dean, on the other hand, sat up and watched you for a long, long time.

* * *

 

Jess shuffled into the kitchen the next morning, face pale and makeup-free, hair twisted up into a bun on the top of her head. Sam glanced back from the stove, smiling widely.

“Morning, beautiful.”

Jess shuddered, gingerly shaking her head, whispering her reply.

“Not so loud.”

Sam grinned as he looked back to the stove, stirring around the eggs he was scrambling. He cleared his throat, then spoke softly.

“Rough night, babe?”  
“I don’t want to talk about it.”

Sam let out a laugh and Jess sat at the table, folding her arms on it and resting her head on her arms. Sam walked over and kissed her head, then went back to the stove. Jess lifted her head.

“Are you cooking?”  
“Yes, and trust me, you need to eat.”

Jess groaned, putting her head back down, and Sam laughed to himself. He licked his lips, then spoke softly.

“So who was the new girl? The redhead?”  
“Charlie. Jo met her … somewhere.”  
“Oh.”

Jess snorted, lifting her head again.

“Subtlety is not your forte, Winchester.”  
“I didn’t say anything!”  
“You didn’t have to. You’re dying inside. I can almost hear it.”

Sam let out a laugh, scooping some eggs into a small bowl and setting them in front of Jess. She made a pitiful face at him and he shook his head.

“Trust me, baby. But try this first.”

He handed her a piece of toast and she took a tiny bite, chewing gingerly. Sam nodded.

“Eat this, take some Advil and a nap, and my girl will be good as new.”  
“You speak from experience?”  
“You damn right.”

Jess laughed, then groaned at the pain that radiated through her head. She lifted her fork and took a minuscule bite of the eggs. Sam raised an eyebrow and she nodded. Sam winked at her, and they both looked over as Jo and Charlie walked into the room. Sam smiled.

“Morning, ladies.”

Charlie gave a nod towards him, and Jo wrinkled her nose.

“I’m pretty sure I’m still drunk.”

Charlie let out a laugh, voice throaty and rough.

“I can promise you, I am not. Running on empty.”

Sam laughed to himself, then plated up eggs for the other girls. They tried to protest, but he stood firm, vowing to withhold the Advil until they’d eaten something. 

Jo glanced up and looked around the room, chewing slowly, swallowing carefully before she spoke.

“Where’s Y/N?”

Sam glanced back from the fridge, confusion on his face.

“Y/N?”

The girls nodded, and Sam closed the fridge, leaning his hip against the counter.

“Y/N was here?”

They all nodded again, and Charlie spoke up.

“Yeah, she … she brought the pizza. And the bitch beer.”

Sam coughed and Jess smiled at him. Jo leaned over and patted Charlie’s arm, and the two of them shared a smile. Jess looked to Sam and minutely shook her head, and Sam bit his bottom lip to keep from smiling. He cleared his throat and shook his head.

“She wasn’t here. All we saw were you three.”

The girls all exchanged looks, then Jo jumped up and ran to the window, peeking through the blinds.

“All the cars are still here.”  
“She came in a cab, didn’t she?”

Jo looked back to Charlie and nodded, then looked to Jess, who pulled her phone out of her pocket and typed out a text. A few seconds later, the girls all exchanged a look when they heard the chime of a phone. Charlie stood up, walking into the living room, and she came back with your phone in her hands. She handed it to Jess as she sat down.

“All her stuff’s still here.”  
“Then she didn’t leave last night. She must have–”

Jess’ eyes widened as she looked at Jo, then to Sam. Sam closed his eyes, then ran a hand over his face.

“Well, fuck.”

* * *

 

You slowly blinked your eyes open, groaning softly at the pain that seemed to echo through your head with every breath you took. You licked your lips, mouth feeling dry as the desert, and gave a soft moan as you buried your face into the pillow. 

“Go back to sleep. You’ll feel better if you sleep it off.”

Your eyes widened, painful sluggish brain suddenly registering the warm body behind you, strong arms wrapped around you, thick thigh between yours. Your mouth opened and your eyes drifted closed, and you heard a sigh before that sleep-heavy voice spoke again.

“Stop freaking out. I can hear your brain working. Sleep, pretty girl.”

You rolled onto your back, ignoring the mumbled protests from Dean, rolling to your side to face him. 

He yawned widely, scratching his chest, then turned to look at you. He snorted, then smiled.

“Stop giving me that look.”  
“What look?”  
“The sad puppy one you learned from Sam. Everything’s fine.”  
“How can you say that? I am in bed with you, and I’m not wearing any pants.”

Dean’s grin widened.

“Yeah, but I am. You were very drunk last night, and I do not take advantage of ladies as intoxicated as you were.”  
“Dean…”

He sat up, folding his hands together and putting them in his lap.

“You came in here. Said people were in your room, and you sleepy. You started taking clothes off, and I coaxed you into one of my old shirts.”

He shrugged his shoulders.

“We talked some, then we went to sleep.”

You rolled to your back, pushing a hand through your hair.

“God, I don’t remember any of that.”  
“Nothing at all?”

You looked over at him.

“What?”

He shook his head, and you sat up, blowing out a breath.

“You wouldn’t say that unless something happened. What was it, Dean?”

He huffed out a breath, shaking his head. He tossed up his hands, then let out a laugh.

“You … You kissed me.”

Your eyes widened, and he spoke with a soft smile on his face.

“You told me that you miss me, and then you kissed me.”

Your eyes slowly closed, and he went on.

“It wasn’t earth-shattering or anything. It was quick. Almost like a habit, something you did every day.”

Dean shook his head, speaking softly as he smiled.

“First time we kissed, and you don’t even remember it.”

You looked down at your hands, speaking softly.

“That wasn’t the first time we kissed.”

His eyes narrowed, and you kept staring at your hands as you spoke.

“It was just after your dad died. You were … really messed up, spending all your time in bars and bottles. Sam called me one night, said he couldn’t find you and he had a big test the next day, so he couldn’t go look for you. I went instead, found you at the Roadhouse.”

You smiled, lifting your eyes to his dresser.

“I got you out of there somehow, and you went on and on about … I don’t even remember. You just kept talking, not making any sense. We got to my car and I opened your door. You went to sit down, then you stopped. You looked at me, right in my eyes, and as drunk as you were, your eyes were clear.”

You bit your lip for a second, then continued.

“You said that I was the best thing that ever happened to you. That if you weren’t so fucked up, you’d be with me. You took hold of my face and pulled me in, and you kissed me.”

You looked at him then, smiling softly.

“It  _was_ earth-shattering. At least, it was for me. But when you didn’t remember the next morning…”

You shrugged your shoulders.

“And you met Cassie shortly after that, so…”

You glanced away, unable to look in his eyes right then. You sniffled, climbing out of bed and grabbing your clothes.

“Y/N, wait.”  
“I’ve got to get a shower.”  
“Wait.”

But you couldn’t. You got out of there as fast as you could, ignoring his pleas and the shocked looks from the people in the hall as you ran into the bathroom, letting the shower drown away your tears and muffle your sobs.


	6. Let Me Let Go

You stayed in the shower for a long time, then wasted as much time as you could in the bathroom. You brushed and flossed your teeth, washed your mouth out twice. You dried your hair and brushed it until it was shiny. You pulled some of it away from your face, pinning it back, leaving some of it down around your shoulders. You thought about putting makeup on, but the slight ache in your head led you to decide against it. 

When you’d wasted as much time as you could, you opened the door and walked to the kitchen, going straight for the coffeepot and pouring yourself a cup. You took a sip, then turned back to see Jess sitting at the table. You gave her a smile, lifting your cup to your lips.

“How you feeling?”  
“Like shit. I’m so ready for a nap it’s not even funny.”

You gave a quiet laugh, then set your cup aside, crossing your arms over your chest.

“Why aren’t you sleeping, then?”  
“I wanted to see how my friend was.”

You sighed, shrugging your shoulders.

“I don’t know, Jess. He said I just walked in there and made myself at home. What does that mean?”

Jess’ dark eyes narrowed, and you held out a hand.

“We had the fucking girls’ night so I could  **forget** about him. Then I go search him out when I’m wasted? That’s the  _opposite_ of the point. Why can’t I do anything right?”  
“Hey, none of that.”

Jess stood up, walking over to you. She laid her hands on your shoulders and you sighed. Jess shook her head, dancing the ends of your hair over the tips of her fingers.

“You are pretty and smart and a kickass bartender. You’re the queen of drinking games, and the only one of us who didn’t puke this morning. Or last night.”

You let out a laugh, and Jess sighed.

“You can’t just stop feeling the way you do. If you could, you’d have done it long before now. This is going to take some time, and some effort, and we’re all here to help you. You just need to take this one step at a time, and prepare for some setbacks.”

You looked up at her, and Jess pursed her lips, then shrugged her shoulders. 

“Maybe last night was a setback. It’s okay. We’ll just … do better today.”

You smiled, then leaned forward, wrapping your arms around her. Jess smiled, enveloping you in a hug. 

“Thank you, Jessie.”  
“Anytime, you know that.”

You broke apart just as your phone gave a chirp, and you pulled it from your pocket, a smile crossing your face when you read the text.

“Who’s that from?”

You flicked your eyes to her.

“Nobody.”  
“You big fibber.”

You laughed, and Jess smiled as she leaned against the counter, crossing her arms over her chest.

“Could it possibly be a message from a certain blue-eyed fox?”

You laughed.

“Possibly. It could possibly be a lunch date in an hour or so.”  
“Really?!”

You laughed again, and Jess grinned so widely her cheeks must have hurt. The two of you looked over when a throat was cleared, and the smile slid from your face when you saw the look on Dean’s. He walked to you, one hand gently wrapping around your arm.

“Can I talk to you?”

He didn’t wait for an answer, just gave your arm a tug as he led you down the hall, back into his bedroom. He shut the door behind you, and you walked over, sitting on the bed, watching as he paced the room.

“Dean?”

He held up a hand to you, turning away and laying his hands against his desk. You looked down at your hands until he spoke softly.

“How can you do that?”

You lifted your head, confusion coloring your features.

“Do what?”

Dean shook his head, keeping his back to you, speaking just as softly.

“How can you sleep with me, then go to him?”  
“No.”

He turned his head and you shook yours.

“Don’t say it like that. I didn’t sleep with you. We slept in the same bed, that’s all.”  
“You kissed me.”

You shrugged your shoulders.

“I was drunk.”  
“So that, what, negates it?”

You blew out a breath.

“Dean, you have a girlfriend. Last night was a mistake. You should have kicked me out of here and made me sleep on the couch, but I know you never would have. It happened, and now it’s done, so … Let’s not let it happen again.”

You stood up, going for the door, gasping when you suddenly found your back pressed against it, looking up into stormy green eyes as Dean stared at you, hands locked around your wrists.

“Dean.”  
“You have fucked me up so bad. I was fine, you know? I thought I was just fine, and now, I swear to God, everything is falling apart and I can’t do a damn thing about it. I feel like I’m losing you.”  
“That’s not fair.”  
“Why not?”

Your chest rose and fell rapidly with the breaths that you couldn’t slow. You shook your head, looking up into his eyes.

“You have a girlfriend.”  
“You keep bringing that up.”  
“Because you sure as hell don’t!”

Dean blinked, and you let out a laugh.

“You can’t do this. I have already told you, if you love Cassie, that’s fine. Go be with her. But I’m not going to be your dirty little secret or your whore, Dean. Either pick me or let me go.”  
“I can’t.”  
“Why not?”  
“I don’t fucking know!”

He let go of you, stepping away, putting his back to you again. He pushed a hand through his hair, then sat on the bed, head in his hands. You let your head fall back against the door, and you licked your lips. You opened your eyes again to see Dean staring back at you, and you shook your head.

“You can’t make me feel bad for going to eat lunch with Benny when you’ll be all over Cassie in the bar later tonight. I can’t keep dealing with you doing this to me. It hurts and messes me up too, okay?”

He lifted his head, emerald eyes full of something you couldn’t name. He licked his lips, speaking softly again.

“I don’t want to hurt you. But … just thinking about you with him makes me …”

Dean shook his head, looking down at his hands. You stared at him, and despite everything in you screaming that it was a bad idea, you walked over to him. You reached a shaky hand out, gently pushing your fingers through his hair. He let out a sigh of what sounded like relief, leaning into your touch, moving a bit to where he could rest his head against your stomach.

You shut your eyes when his arms snaked around you, and you exhaled a shuddering sigh. You kept carding your fingers through his soft, sandy brown hair, and you spoke softly.

“You can’t keep doing this to me, Dean. I love you, but this is killing me.”  
“Y/N—“  
“You’ve got to decide, Dean. Please.”

You bent over just a bit, kissing the top of his head. You pushed away from him, forcing him to drop his arms, and you turned towards the door. He reached out and took hold of your wrist, then stood to his feet. You swallowed, and he turned you around. You looked up at him, caught in his beautiful eyes, and you sucked in a breath when his warm hand came to cup your cheek.

“Dean.”

Your voice was barely a whisper, and you couldn’t take your eyes from him. He stared back at you just as intensely, and the breath caught in your throat as he slowly leaned his head towards yours.

“Please.”

He stopped at the word you’d managed to whisper. Tears were suddenly in your eyes, and you could feel his breath against your lips as he spoke.

“I’m so sorry.”

He let go of you, stepping backwards, running a hand over his face. You blinked, and he turned his back to you again.

“You should go before I do something we both regret.”

You immediately turned and walked out the door, down the hall, and to the front door. Jess came running around the corner.

“Hey, where are you going?”  
“I can’t be here.”

You flung open the door and Jess shook her head.

“You don’t even have your shoes!”

You never heard her as you ran down the steps, running away from the apartment. Jess stood on the doorstep, watching you, then closed her eyes, walking back inside and slamming the door. Sam poked his head out from their bedroom, hair wet from the shower he’d just finished.

“Jess?”

She stalked down the hall, banging her fist on Dean’s door.

“Open this door, you mother fucker!”

Sam’s eyes widened, and the door opened, revealing a visibly pissed off Dean.

“Don’t fuck with me right now, Jessica.”

Sam’s mouth dropped open when Jess’ fist shot out, making contact with Dean’s jaw.

“Don’t pull the ‘Jessica’ card on me, you son of a bitch. What did you do?! She ran out of here without her damn shoes on, you bastard.”

Sam grabbed Jess’ arm before she could hit Dean again, and tried to drag her down the hall away from him. She fought him, and he managed to get an arm around her shoulders as she spat out her next sentence.

“She loves you so much. You don’t deserve her by a long shot, but you keep dragging her back. For the love of God, Dean. Let her go.”  
“I don’t have her,  _Jessica_. How am I supposed to let go of something I don’t even have?”

Jess let out a hard-sounding laugh.

“You  _own_  her, you stupid bastard. Anything you need, she’ll move heaven and earth to get for you. You’ve got her heart in the palm of your hands, and you’re all but squeezing the life out of it. Out of  _her_.”

Dean licked his lips, and Sam stayed quiet, watching him. Jess shook her head.

“You can’t ride two horses with one ass, Dean. You can’t have Cassie and Y/N. You’ve got to pick one.”  
“You make it sound so simple.”  
“It is simple!”

Jess shook her head, an incredulous laugh leaving her lips.

“I read a quote online somewhere once. They attributed it to Johnny Depp, but who knows if he really said it? The quote was this: If you find yourself in love with two people, choose the second. Because if you were really in love with the first one, the second one never would have turned your head.”

Sam saw all the fight leave his brother, and he almost let go of Jess to go to Dean. She sighed, reaching up and patting Sam’s arm. He let it fall, and Jess stepped closer to Dean. She stared at him, studying his slightly tilted downward face, the eyes he had cast to the floor. His shoulders were slumped as if something was weighting them down. When he flicked his eyes up to hers, just for a millisecond, Jess sucked in a breath.

“Oh my god.  _You’re in love_.”

Dean lifted his head, eyes sad and watery.

“You can’t tell her, okay?”  
“What? Why? Dean—“  
“Please, Jess.”

She moved her mouth, but no sound left her lips. She finally nodded, and Dean did the same before he went into his room, closing the door behind him. Jess sucked in a breath, turning back to see Sam, who was running a hand over his lips. He shook his head, and Jess stepped forward, putting her head on his shoulder as he wrapped his arms around her.

“When did this get so damn complicated?”

Sam let out a laugh.

“Oh, methinks we are just getting started.”  
“And methinks if you don’t get out of this damn Shakespeare class, I might kill you.”

Sam laughed again, grabbing Jess’ sides, making her squeal as he ran into the bedroom and she went chasing after him.

* * *

 

The bar was ridiculously busy that night. You could barely look up from the drinks you were making, and when you weren’t pouring or mixing, you were slinging beer bottles and popping tops like nobody’s business.

You were so busy, you never even noticed the green eyes staring you down.

Or the ice blue ones watching the green.

You groaned when you looked up to see a group of frat boys walk in, and you snorted out a laugh when you saw Jo pop a button on her shirt. She might not have been the least bit interested, but the girl knew how to get good tips.

You nodded as you grabbed a Miller Lite and a Michelob for two men at the bar, taking their cash and flashing them a smile. You slid past Jo, you and she having gotten the “busy night” choreography down pat a long time ago, and set the cash into the register.

“Sexy as hell, seeing somebody who knows what she’s doing.”

You glanced over your left shoulder, shooting Benny a grin, your smile widening when he laughed and winked at you. You grabbed a rag and slung it over your shoulder.

“I’d love to stay and flirt, but I’m too damn busy.”  
“Work it, girl.”

You laughed, grabbing a margarita glass and sliding a lime wedge over the rim before dipping it in coarse salt, then filling it with—god bless Ellen—pre-made margarita mix. The just barely 21-year-old smiled widely when you handed her the drink, and you shook your head, grabbing another beer from the cooler.

Sam walked in from the kitchen, sweat dripping down his neck as he came to stand by you.

“Hey, you okay out here?”  
“We need more ice.”  
“I’m on it.”

You laughed, watching him dart into the kitchen as you went back to the bar. You shook your head, turning to the bar and coming to a stop when you saw the man leaning over it.

“Hey, cutie.”

You rolled your eyes.

“Can I get you something?”  
“Yeah, your number.”

You pursed your lips, then smiled at him.

“I don’t think so.”  
“Oh, come on, baby.”  
“First off, does that ever work for you? Second, I am  _not_ your ‘baby.’ Now, do you want a drink, or are you going to keep standing there wasting my time?”

A dark look came over his face.

“Jack. The whole bottle.”

You turned and grabbed a bottle, handing it over to him. He slid his credit card across the bar, then turned and walked away. You let out a breath, shaking your head at the unease that had come over you.

“Hey.”

You looked up to see Dean standing in front of you, behind the bar. You swallowed, looking up at him.

“You’re not supposed to be back here.”  
“Ellen will get over it. You okay?”

You glanced over his shoulder, seeing the guy talking to his friends, then nodded.

“Just another creep.”  
“Want me to go talk to him?”

You looked up to see a smirk on Dean’s face and you rolled your eyes.

“Stand down, Winchester. I’m okay. But thank you.”  
“Anytime. You know where I am if he comes back.”

You nodded, and Dean walked back over to the pool tables. You licked your lips, then went back to slinging drinks.

* * *

You slid the damp rag over the bar, groaning as you stretched your aching back. Jo made a noise from where she was lying on one of the pool tables, beside a sleeping Ash, and you snorted. 

Benny was sitting at the end of the bar, nursing the one beer he let himself have after a long night. You glanced his way, and he smiled at you, motioning with his head for you to come to him. You smiled, tossing the rag onto the bar and making your way to him.

“What can I do for you, Mr. Lafitte?”  
“Sit and keep me company, shug.” 

You yawned, walking around the bar and sitting next to him, letting out a groan and leaning to put your head on his shoulder. He leaned his head on yours and you sighed.

“I’m exhausted.”  
“Same here.”

You yawned again, laughing as he put an arm around you and you snuggled closer to him.

“Come home with me.”

Your eyes flew open, and Benny let out a laugh.

“Okay, that’s not how I wanted that to happen.”

You sat up and looked at him and he sighed, pushing a hand through his hair.

“I don’t mean to come so we can … You know. I’m just lonesome there by myself, and I know you don’t like being here by yourself. We could keep each other company, and hang out before work tomorrow. I make a mean pancake breakfast at any hour of the day.”

You laughed, then bit your lip.

“Okay.”

Benny’s eyes widened.

“Really?”

You nodded.

“But no funny business.”  
“I will try my best to be a gentleman. Maybe.”

You laughed.

“Let me grab my purse and a few things upstairs.”

Benny nodded, and you left the bar, going up to your room and tossing a few things into a bag. You let out a breath, holding a hand to your stomach, shaking your head and walking back downstairs.

Jo sat up on her elbows when she saw you with a bag, and Benny stood up, tossing his beer into the trash, putting a hand on the small of your back as the two of you walked out. You ignored Jo’s open-mouthed stare, shivering when the cool night air hit you. You walked towards Benny’s truck and he cursed under his breath. You looked to him, and he gave you a smile.

“Forgot my phone inside.”  
“I’ll wait for you.”  
“You sure?”  
“Go.”

He turned and jogged back into the bar, and you yawned so widely you had to shut your eyes. 

You gasped as you were suddenly pushed forward, ramming into the side of Benny’s truck, your forehead hitting the window hard enough that you swore you could see stars. You groaned as your face was slammed against the window again, and the nasty metallic tang of blood was on your tongue. You tried to turn around, then yelped as your hair was pulled, forcing you to put your back against the car. You blinked hard, eyes refusing to focus, and you felt your knees start to give way. 

_“I’ll show you, bitch.”  
_

The voice sounded muffled and far away, and you doubled over when a punch landed in your stomach. Your legs finally gave way as you heard shouting and scuffling, and you felt yourself hit the ground a moment before strong arms were wrapped around you.

“Y/N? Come on, stay with me. Stay awake, baby. Hang on.”

You tried to answer the familiar voice, but you couldn’t find yours. The pain was beginning to register with you, the sharp throbbing in your head, pounding with every beat of your heart. You reached weak fingers out, feeling a warm hand link with yours, and that was the last thing that registered before the darkness overtook you.


	7. Hold Onto Me

You woke up slowly, and quite painfully. Your head was pounding, every beat of your heart echoing in your ears, and bringing with it a wave of nauseating pain. You moaned softly, going still when a warm, roughly calloused hand gently touched your face.

“Easy, baby. You’re okay.”

You blinked open your eyes.

“Dean?”  
“I’m right here, pretty girl.”

You moaned again, and he pressed the call button on your bed. You lifted your head, slowly blinking.

“Where am I?”  
“The hospital, sweetheart.”

You moved your head, closing your eyes and whimpering when the small motion sent shockwaves of pain through your body. You heard voices, Dean’s and a different, softer one, before the new voice told you that she would be putting some medicine through your IV. You hadn’t realized you had an IV, but after she’d lifted your arm, the pain ebbed almost instantaneously. You gave a sigh, turning your head on the pillow and blinking your eyes open again.

“Better?”

You nodded at Dean, letting your eyes close, and you listened to a chair squeaking as he slid it across the floor. He took a seat, then reached over, taking your hand between both of his.

“You scared me, sweet girl.”  
“What happened?”  
“You don’t remember?”

You shook your head just the slightest bit, and Dean let go of your hand. A moment later, the room went dark, and you let out a quiet sigh.

“Thank you.”  
“Your head hurts?”  
“Like you wouldn’t believe.”

Dean sighed, taking your hand again.

“That guy that bothered you earlier at the bar hung around, apparently. When Benny left to go back inside, that guy jumped you.”

You shook your head.

“I don’t remember it.”  
“It’s okay.”  
“Did you save me?”

Dean cleared his throat.

“Right place, right time, I guess.”

You gave his hand a weak squeeze, and he licked his lips. You murmured softly.

“Where’s Benny?”  
“Uh, he took the guy down to the station. He had to give a statement and paperwork and stuff. I‘m supposed to go later, but …”

He shook his head, letting out a sigh.

“I’m glad you’re here.”

Dean’s eyes widened, and you gave his hand another squeeze. He reached over, gently touching your temple, running his fingers over your hair.

“Is this okay?”  
“Mm-hmm. Will you stay with me?”

Dean smiled.

“I’m not going anywhere, baby. Sleep.”

You nodded, sighing again as you drifted to sleep holding Dean’s hand.

* * *

 

Dean yawned widely, then finished off another cup of coffee. He widened his eyes, shaking his head, then poured another cup. It tasted like shit and didn’t look much better, but the caffeine jolt was all he really cared about.

“That’s not healthy, you know.”

Dean rolled his eyes, taking another long sip.

“You think I care?”  
“Y/N will. She’ll kick your ass when she finds out you’ve been living off of coffee and sheer stubbornness for almost 72 hours.”  
“Well, if you’ll just keep your Sasquatch mouth shut, she won’t find out, will she?”

Sam let out a quiet laugh, then cleared his throat.

“Is she also not going to find out about you skipping the trip Cassie tried to surprise you with?”  
“And the subsequent ass-reaming? Not if I can help it.”

Sam pursed his lips and nodded.

“Cassie left this morning?”  
“Yep.”

Sam nodded again, and Dean ran a hand over his head.

“She said we’d have to have a long talk when she gets home.”  
“Oh, I bet.”

Sam let out a quiet laugh, and Dean sighed, tossing his cup into the trash. He stuck his hands in his pockets and walked down the hall, Sam trailing not far behind. They got to room 413 and Dean gave a quiet knock. Jess turned around from her place beside your bed, giving your hand a squeeze. You blinked your eyes open, and Dean couldn’t help but smile.

“Dean?”  
“Hey, sweetheart.”

He walked into the room, to the opposite side of the bed from Jess, picking up your hand. You gave his hand a squeeze, and Sam stepped into the room.

“You feeling any better?”  
“Sam?”

Dean smiled.

“Yeah, pretty girl. He’s here, too.”

You nodded, eyes drifting closed.

“Dean, will you do something for me?”  
“Anything.”  
“Will you get the doctor?”

You opened tear-filled eyes, and Dean’s eyebrows furrowed.

“What’s wrong?”  
“I can’t see.”

Dean looked to Jess, who was staring at you with a horrified expression on her face. Sam turned and ran down the hall, and you let out a quiet sob. Dean squeezed your hand.

“Hey, it’s okay. Everything’s all right. I’m right here.”  
“Dean.”  
“I got you. Sam’s gone to get the doctor, okay? Breathe, sweetheart. Breathe.”

You nodded, breathing like he told you, tears streaming down your face.

“I’m so scared.”  
“I’ve got you. I’m right here.”

You nodded again, letting out a quiet sob when he leaned over, resting his forehead on yours.

* * *

 

Jess let out a long breath, looking up as Jo and Ellen walked into the waiting room. Jo’s brown eyes were wide and worried, and Jess stood up, walking over and taking hold of Jo’s elbows.

“She’s okay.”  
“How can you say that? She can’t see! Where is she?”  
“They’ve taken her down for a CT scan.”

Jo pushed a hand through her hair, and Jess crossed her arms over her chest. Ellen sighed, stepping closer and crossing her arms like Jess.

“What do we know?”

Jess licked her lips.

“The doctor said that the force of her head slamming into the window could have rattled her brain more than expected. The vision loss should be temporary, but …”

Jo shook her head, closing her eyes.

“I knew I shouldn’t have let her leave. I knew it, and I let her go anyway.”  
“This isn’t your fault.”

Jo glanced to Jess, tears filling her deep brown eyes.

“I should have—“  
“What, stopped her? Jo, come on.”

Jo sniffled, lifting a hand to brush the tears away. Jess sighed, then stepped over, laying her hands on Jo’s shoulders.

“It’s going to be okay. She’s going to be okay. One way or another, you know?”

Jo sniffled, and Jess sighed again before she enveloped Jo in a hug. After a moment, Jo stepped back, letting out a quiet laugh as she wiped her face. She sniffled, then looked around.

“Where’s Dean?”

Jess pursed her lips, then spoke.

“Down in CT.”

Ellen lifted an eyebrow, and Jess smiled.

“He hasn’t left her side.”  
“It’s been three days.”  
“I had to make him go home and take a shower, and he was still back up here within half an hour.”

Jess glanced around, then let out a breath, stepping closer to Jo as she spoke softly.

“So the other night, when all of this happened? Apparently, there was this work trip Cassie had. She surprised Dean and bought him a plane ticket so he could go with her.”  
“Cassie bought him a  _plane ticket_? Has she met him?”

Jess laughed, and Jo shrugged her shoulders. Jess cleared her throat, then went on.

“She gave it to him the night Y/N was attacked. She went to take a shower and he left. Next thing we know, Dean’s calling Sam from the hospital, and we’re rushing up here. But to skip out on a lot of details, Cassie left this morning.”

Ellen’s eyebrows raised nearly to her hairline, and Jo’s mouth dropped open. Jess shrugged.

“When I made Dean go home the other day, Sam was at the apartment. Just to see if Dean would talk or sleep or whatever. He said Cassie screamed the entire time, and Dean just ignored her. At one point, Cassie grabbed him and dragged him into the bedroom, and Sam didn’t eavesdrop, because apparently, I’ve taught him  _nothing_.”

Jo giggled, and Jess rolled her eyes before continuing.

“Sam could hear yelling, from both Dean and Cassie, and then Dean stormed out without saying a word to Sam. He came back up here and all but ushered me out of the room. He sat in the chair beside her bed and took her hand just talked to her.”

Ellen shook her head, letting out a breath.

“That boy is as stubborn as they come.”  
“Hey, has Benny been by? He hasn’t been at the bar.”

Jess cleared her throat.

“He was here the night of, then he had to go into the station. He can’t exactly ask for time off, being the new guy there, and he said they’ve been swamped lately.”

Ellen and Jo exchanged a look, then slowly nodded. Jess shrugged her shoulders.

“She hasn’t really asked for him. She’s in heaven with Dean hovering over her like he is.”

Jess sighed, and Jo rolled her eyes.

“It’s like a little  _Peyton Place_  around here, I swear.”

Ellen laughed, walking over and wrapping an arm around Jo.

“Come on. Let’s see about some coffee or something.”

* * *

 

Dean sat beside the bed, in the chair he’d come to think of as “his,” holding one of your cool hands in his. They’d given you some kind of medicine during the CT scan, and it had made you sick. He’d held your hair back, despite your best efforts to get him to walk away, and rubbed your back until you stopped throwing up. The nurse had pushed a different kind of medicine through your IV then, and you’d gone right to sleep.

Dean licked his lips as he looked at you. He’d memorized the way your hair fell over the pillow, the little sounds and sighs you made as you slept, much more restful now than when they’d first brought you in. You had awful bruising around your eyes, a deep, dark purple that almost made you look like you were wearing a mask. There was a cut on your lower lip, and another on your temple, which had required stitches and nearly scared the life out of Dean with how much it had bled.

And despite all the bruises and scrapes, Dean had come to realize he’d never seen anything as beautiful as you.

He ran a hand through his hair, then brought your hand to his lips, kissing your knuckles gently before looking up at your face.

“You just rest, sweetheart. Everything’s okay.”

He swallowed, looking at your eyes, which were closed as you slept. The deep bruising that spread from your cheekbones to your eyebrows had terrified him. When you had opened your eyes, and he could see how watery and bloodshot they were, he could barely breathe. He wanted you well, to roll those eyes at him, to see the crinkles at the corners when you really, genuinely smiled.

He blew out a breath, looking up as a quiet knock sounded at the door. A soft smile spread over his face as Jo and Ellen walked in. He looked back to you as Jo sucked in a breath, and Dean murmured softly.

“Looks worse than it really is.”

Jo nodded, stepping to the opposite side of the bed from Dean. Ellen walked over, resting her hands on Dean’s shoulders. Her voice was quiet when she spoke.

“Why don’t you go get some rest? Let some of us sit with her.”

Dean shook his head.

“I’m fine. They just gave her some stuff that knocked her out, and I don’t want her to be scared or anything when she wakes back up.”  
“Aren’t you supposed to go down to the police station?”

Dean glanced over at Jo, then back to you.

“I did it over the phone.”  
“Dean.”  
“Told them they could send somebody over with a paper for me to sign or whatever.”

Jo and Ellen exchanged a look, and Dean let out a quiet laugh.

“Why doesn’t anybody understand that I’m not leaving her? Not until she’s discharged.”

Ellen sighed.

“Honey … You need to think long and hard about what you’re doing here.”  
“I know what I’m doing.”  
“No, I don’t think you do.”

Dean looked up to Ellen, and watched her take her eyes from your face to look him in the eyes.

“She loves you, boy. And you’re with someone else. Doesn’t matter if Cassie’s in the same room or a different country—she’s still your girlfriend. Not Y/N. You are stringing her along and filling her with false hope, and that’s not fair. It’s doubly not fair since she’s hurt and you’re doing it.”  
“Ellen, I—“  
“I know you don’t want to hurt her, but honey, that’s all you’re doing. Unless you can tell her that you feel the same and fix your life to echo that, you need to let her go.”

Ellen looked up and nodded to Jo, and they quietly left the room. Dean let go of your hand, covering his face, then resting it on your bed. After a few shaky breaths, he felt gentle, shaky fingers slip across his scalp, and tears came to his eyes. He slowly lifted his head, seeing you with your eyes still closed. He sniffled, reaching over and running his fingers down your cheek. You leaned into his touch and he shook his head, moving to sit on the edge of the bed and fully cupping your face in his hand.

“I’m so sorry. God, I am so, so sorry.”  
“Shh.”

Dean shook his head, a tear slipping down his cheek.

“Come here.”

You’d barely whispered the words, but he heard them as if you’d shouted. He leaned forward, resting his forehead on your pillow, his chin on your shoulder. You wrapped your arms around him as best you could, as weak as you were, not to mention how you were still feeling the effects of the medicine.

“It’s okay.”

Dean closed his eyes, but the tears spilled over anyway. You held him, scratching your nails through his hair, neither of you saying a word.

Jess found you a little while later, Dean on one side of the bed, almost up against the railing. You were cuddled up next to him, your head on his chest, and both of you were sound asleep. She smiled softly, turning and closing the door behind her as she left the room.

* * *

You were released from the hospital the next day. The doctors seemed convinced the vision loss was only a temporary effect, but until you were 100% again, Dean insisted that you move back into the apartment. His argument, that you knew that place better than anyone else, was one you couldn’t really argue, and you found yourself back in your old bed, under your fluffy covers, with Jess sitting on the edge of the bed, Sam behind her with his hands on her shoulders, and Dean standing beside Sam.

Sam cleared his throat, gently massaging Jess’ shoulders.

“Kind of a shitty ‘welcome home,’ but…”  
“Hey, I’ll take what I can get.”

You laughed at Jess’ statement, then settled back against the pillows. The small effort you’d put forth today had worn you out, and you preferred to spend most of your time with your eyes closed, because the way your vision was so blurry gave you an almost instant migraine.

You felt Jess’ soft hand reach over and pat your leg.

“You can rest. You know where we are, right down the hall. Just yell and somebody will come.”

You nodded, smiling. You laughed when Jess leaned down and gave your forehead a smacking kiss, laughing even more when Sam repeated the act. They left the room and Dean moved over, sitting closer to you than Jess had been. His voice was soft, and he reached over to take your hand.

“How you feeling?”  
“Exhausted. And my head hurts.”  
“You need one of the pills?”  
“No, I’m—“  
“Hey, remember what that nurse said. If you let the pain get ahead of you, you’ll be chasing it and never catch it.”

You nodded, and Dean left the room, returning in record time with a glass of water and the pain pill. You sat up with a wince, laying a hand against your temple. You felt a big, warm hand come up and gently knead your shoulder, and you sighed. Dean helped you take the pill, and you laid back down, blinking your eyes open to try to watch him fix the covers around you. He looked down and saw your eyes open and his widened.

“Can you …?”

You shook your head, then reached up, taking hold of his face. You slowly brought him down to you, and he willingly went with your movements, until he was millimeters from your face. Your noses were almost touching, and you whispered softly.

“You’re almost clear here.”  
“Y/N.”

You swallowed, letting go of his face, sucking in a breath when his hands grabbed hold of yours, putting them back on his cheeks.

“Don’t.”  
“Dean, we—“  
“Shh.”

You swallowed, closing your eyes as Dean’s hands moved to cup your face. You leaned into his touch as his thumbs rubbed across your cheeks.

“You scared me so bad.”  
“I’m sorry.”  
“You don’t need to apologize. I just …”

You swallowed, taking in a breath when his fingers tightened just a bit on your face. You exhaled, blinking your eyes open, looking up at him. You couldn’t see him clearly, but you really didn’t need to. You knew him almost better than you knew yourself.

You were sore and tired and achy, and you knew he was still on edge, still pumping adrenaline from everything that happened the last few days. You knew what was coming, and this time …

This time, you didn’t stop it.

Dean’s lips were soft and gentle against yours. His hands went even softer on your face as his lips slowly moved over yours. You met him step for step, the kiss feeling deeper and somehow more intimate this way. Dean moved his lips again, then pressed them against yours once more, and he leaned back, fingers stroking through your hair until you blinked your eyes open. Looking at him and not being able to really see him hurt in more ways than one, and you closed your eyes, reaching out until he laced his fingers through yours.

Dean leaned forward again, ever-so-gently pressing his lips to your temple, then your cheek before he whispered in your ear.

“I’m not sorry for that, and I don’t regret it.”  
“ _Dean_.”  
“We can figure it out later. For now, you need to rest. I’m right here.”

You could feel that your cheeks were flushed, but you tried to ignore that.

“You should go to bed. Get some rest yourself.”  
“I’m good here.”  
“I’m not letting you sit by the bed all night. You did enough of that in the hospital.”

You let go of his hand, moving slightly in the bed, until you were almost against the wall, and there was an empty space beside you. You turned your face towards the wall, closing your eyes, feeling the pain pill start to kick in as you felt yourself drifting to sleep.

Just before the darkness overtook you, you felt the bed shift and the covers move before two muscled arms wrapped around you. You rolled until you could rest your head on Dean’s shoulder, and he pushed his fingers into your hair again, gently stroking as he held you close.

“Goodnight, sweetheart.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I borrowed this storyline from one of my favorites episodes of Law and Order: SVU. Stabler gets his head smashed into a car window and temporarily loses his vision. The episode is called "Blinded" because, obvious.


	8. Nothing

Dean sat at a table in the coffee shop, hands wrapped around a steaming cup of coffee. He was staring into it, looking for answers he knew he wouldn’t get. He looked up when the bell over the door rang, and he took a deep breath when he saw the riotously curly hair that belonged to his girlfriend. He swallowed, standing to his feet, pushing the cappuccino he’d bought across the table. Cassie set her bag in the chair and looked to him.

“Before you say anything…”

Cassie sighed, standing beside the table. Dean sat down when she motioned for him to, and she met his eyes.

“I want to apologize.”

Dean’s eyes widened, and Cassie went on.

“I’ve had a lot of time to think on this trip, and I was wrong. The way I acted was … awful.”  
“Cass—“  
“No, let … let me finish.”

Dean nodded, and she sighed.

“Y/N is your best friend, and I know things have been weird between you two lately, but … she needed you, Dean. She was hurt really badly, and I wanted to take you away from her. That’s not okay. The last thing you needed right then was a plane ticket to come with me. You wouldn’t have enjoyed the trip at all, because you’d have spent the whole time worrying about her.”

Cassie met his eyes, a soft smile on her face.

“You know I’m right.”

Dean let out a quiet laugh, and Cassie sighed.

“I just wanted to tell you that I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have reacted like that. It was … way out of proportion.”

Dean nodded, looking down at his coffee, then back up to dark eyes. Cassie groaned as her phone rang, and she pulled it from her pocket, looking down for a moment and shaking her head.

“I am so sorry, but I am swamped at work. I don’t even know when I’ll get a break, but when I do, I’ll call you, okay?”  
“Cass, wait, I—“  
“Thank you for the coffee. Love you!”

She grabbed her cup from the table and her bag, then hurried out the door. Dean pushed his hands through his hair, letting out a groan before he downed the rest of his still fairly hot coffee. He grabbed his jacket off the back of his chair and tossed a few dollars onto the table before he headed out the door.

* * *

 

Dean walked in the apartment and let out a long breath. He shrugged his jacket off his shoulders and hung it on one of the hooks near the door, then slipped his shoes off. He ran his hands through his hair and walked to the kitchen. He stood in the doorway, just standing there and staring, until he turned on his heel and walked down the hall.

He pushed open your door and a soft smile came to his lips. You were lying on your bed, television remote control still in your hand. The TV was playing softly, and you were asleep. The covers were around your waist, and your hair was splayed across your pillow. 

Dean swallowed, letting out a slow breath, one hand absently rubbing at his chest. He licked his lips and walked in your bedroom, closing the door behind him. He shut off the TV, then gently took the remote out of your hand, laying it close by on your nightstand. He pulled back the covers and your eyes slowly blinked open. Dean’s heart caught in his chest when he noticed the way you squinted, narrowing your eyes before widening them a bit, a smile coming to your face.

“Hey, you.”

Dean smiled, crawling into bed next to you. 

“Sorry I woke you up.”  
“No, I need to get up.”  
“No, don’t.”

You looked to him, noticing the way his eyes were a stormy green. He licked his lips again and you smiled.

“We can take a nap, if you want.”

He nodded, and you yawned, letting him get comfortable before snuggling up close to him. He sighed when you were in his arms, murmuring into your hair.

“You’re warm.”

You smiled, feeling your eyes grow heavy. You reached a hand up, laying it against his cheek, scratching your nails softly through the stubble on his face.

“Whatever it is, it’s going to be okay.”

He let out a laugh.

“You sure about that?”

You nodded, yawning again, shifting just a bit closer to him.

“Just let it go for now.”

Dean nodded, and you smiled when you felt his lips press against your forehead. You let out a sigh, smiling again when you felt his fingers searching for, then lacing with yours, and you drifted off to sleep. Dean stared up at the ceiling until his eyes were too heavy, and he rested his cheek against the top of your head as he fell asleep, too.

* * *

 

You slowly made your way from the kitchen to the living room, a plate in your hands with a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and a handful of chips on it. You smiled when you found the coffee table, setting the plate down and sitting on the couch. You leaned back into the cushions, closing your eyes and letting out a long sigh.

Your vision still wasn’t perfect, but it was close. Far away things were still blurry, and you couldn’t read a book or your phone unless it was inches from your nose, but you didn’t mind. You pulled your legs up onto the couch and grabbed half of the sandwich, taking a bite just as a knock sounded at the door.

You made a face as you chewed, putting your feet back on the floor and standing up. Dean had left before you’d woken up, and Sam and Jess had a day of romance planned (yuck), so you were all alone in the apartment. You chewed and swallowed as you walked to the door, then opened it, your eyes widening when you saw who was standing over the threshold.

“Benny.”  
“Hey, darlin’. Can I, uh …”

He glanced inside the apartment and you nodded.

“Come in, please.”

He stepped inside behind you, taking the cap off his head. You shut the door behind him and crossed your arms over your chest, clearing your throat. Benny lifted his head and met your eyes.

“Did I catch you at a bad time?”  
“Well, you interrupted my PB&J, but other than that…”

He smiled at your smile, and you motioned for him to follow you into the living room. You sat back down on the couch, pulling your feet up again, and Benny stood a little ways in front of you. You looked up at him, squinting a bit, then glancing away.

“Do you want to sit?”  
“No, I …”

He sighed, and when he didn’t say anything, you spoke again.

“You want some of my sandwich?”

Benny let out a laugh at that, finally meeting your eyes. He smiled at you, ice blue eyes locked on yours.

“No, darlin’.”  
“You sure? It’s a good sandwich.”

He laughed again, then walked over, crouching down in front of you. You tilted your head as you looked at him, and he let out a shaky breath.

“I want to apologize.”  
“For what?”

He glanced down at the floor, swallowing hard before meeting your eyes again.

“The radio silence. You didn’t deserve that.”

You nodded, smiling softly.

“Benny, it’s okay.”  
“No it’s not.”

He stood up, blew out a breath, and shook his head. He walked away from you, then turned back, shoulders rising and falling with the deep breath he took.

“I should’ve been here.”

You didn’t say anything, and after a moment he went on, words quiet and full of remorse.

“I should’ve been here. I should’ve been at that hospital. I never should have left your side, but I did, and I … god, Y/N. I’m so sorry.”

He stared down at the floor, and you bit your lip, then spoke just as softly as he had.

“Benny, you didn’t sign up for this. I mean … you and I, we barely know each other. We were just getting to know each other and …”

You shook your head, and he raised his head, blue eyes meeting yours. You gave him a soft smile, shrugging your shoulders.

“I just don’t think we’re going to work.”

Benny let out a sigh, nodding his head.

“I’m sorry.”  
“Stop apologizing.”

He looked over at you and you smiled again.

“I’m not ready for any sort of commitment.”  
“Neither am I.”  
“But I don’t want to lose you, Benny. I think we could be really good friends.”

Benny smiled, nodding.

“I don’t want to lose you either, darlin’.”

You stood up, making your way across the room. Benny opened his arms and you stepped into them, closing your eyes when his strong arms enveloped you. You let out a breath, a soft smile coming to your face. 

You both turned when you heard a throat being cleared, and you smiled when you saw Dean at the door. You gave Benny one last squeeze, then stepped out of his embrace.

“Hey. We didn’t even hear you come in.”

Dean nodded, and Benny cleared his throat, stepping up behind you, laying a hand against the small of your back.

“I’ve got a shift coming up, so I better get goin’. I’m glad you’re doing better, doll.”  
“Thanks, Benny.”

He gave you a wink and leaned in, briefly kissing your cheek before he nodded to Dean and left the apartment. You stood where you’d been, taking in a breath and letting it out before looking to Dean, a smile automatically coming over your face. 

“Where’d you go this morning?”

He didn’t answer, and you turned to walk back to the couch.

“You were gone before I woke up. Sam and Jessie left pretty early, too.”  
“So you and Benny?”

You let out a laugh as you sat down.

“He wanted to talk.”  
“I bet he did.”

You blinked, pulling your legs up onto the couch.

“Dean, listen.”  
“Cassie’s back.”

You went still, and he cleared his throat.

“We had breakfast this morning, and we decided to–to revisit the moving in together idea.”

Your heart sank in your chest and you sat back against the couch.

“You’re serious.”  
“Yeah. I mean, you’ll be heading back to Ellen’s soon, right?”

Your eyes widened as the breath rushed out of your lungs, feeling like you’d just been punched in the stomach. You swallowed, looking up, meeting those beautiful green eyes. 

For just a moment, Dean’s eyes were full of raw emotion. It was brief, lasting maybe only a second or two before he blinked and rolled his shoulders back. You huffed out a hard laugh, then shook your head.

“You son of a bitch.”

Dean’s eyes widened, and you stood up from the couch.

“You’re full of shit.”  
“Y/N–”  
“No. You didn’t even see Cassie this morning, did you?”

He didn’t answer, and you laughed again, sounding the complete opposite of joyful. 

“Why are you lying to me?”

Again, Dean’s eyes widened and he shook his head, but you stood to your feet before he could open his mouth.

“Don’t you stand there and try to lie to me again!”  
“Y/N—“  
“What?”

He shook his head, and you took a step forward.

“Why do you keep doing this? Why do you let me in and hold on so tightly, then try and hurt me like this?”

He looked down, refusing to meet your eyes.

“Please talk to me.”

He closed his eyes, turning away from you, hanging his head.

“Dean—“  
“Damn it, Y/N! I just want you to leave me alone.”

You went still and nodded, biting your bottom lip before you spoke again.

“You want me to go back to Ellen’s?”

He nodded, and you pursed your lips as you nodded back to him. You walked over to the couch and picked up your plate, intending to take it back into the kitchen. Instead, you slammed it back down on the coffee table.

“No, you know what? This is bullshit. You’re a coward.”  
“Excuse me?”  
“You heard me. There’s nothing wrong with your ears. It’s what’s between them that’s the problem.”  
“So what, I’m too stupid to—“  
“That’s not what I’m saying. Do  _not_  put words in my mouth.”

You watched him narrow his eyes and you stepped closer to him.

“You can stand there and try to convince yourself that I don’t mean anything to you. You might even start to believe it. But damn it, Dean, you sure as hell don’t act that way. You’ve put your life on hold to help me. You’re always around, and I love it. But you … You can’t lie in there and hold me as close and as tight as you do all night long if you don’t feel the same way. I get it. Trust me, I really do. It is scary as hell, but come on. It’s got to be better than this.”

Dean nodded, then looked over to you.

“And what happens when it crashes and burns? Because you know me, Y/N. I’ll fuck it up.”  
“You don’t know that.”  
“I do, because I know me.”  
“I know you, too.”

Dean rolled his eyes and you stepped in front of him, laying your hand against his chest.

“You are a good man. No matter what you try and tell yourself. You’re so sure you’ll mess this up, but I … I know you won’t.”  
“You give me too much credit.”  
“Well, I love you. That’s what you do to the people you love.”

Dean swallowed, shaking his head.

“Benny’s a better choice.”

You let out a laugh.

“You’re probably right.”

Dean moved then, slowly laying his hands on your hips, pulling you closer, until you wrapped your arms around his neck.

“You should go find him.”

His voice was low, and you nodded.

“I should.”  
“So why don’t you?”  
“I can’t.”  
“’Can’t’?”

You shook your head.

“I don’t want to.”

Dean closed the space between you then, laying his lips on yours. You gave a soft moan, feeling Dean tighten his hold on you, digging his fingers into your hips before moving one hand up to cup your face. You leaned into the touch, then let your head fall back as his lips danced over your cheek, down to your neck.

“ _Dean_.”  
“I got you, baby.”

You whimpered until his lips found yours again, tunneling your fingers through his hair. You gasped when your back hit the wall, lifting one leg when his big hand wrapped around your thigh, wrapping it around his waist like he wanted you to do. You broke away from his kiss when he rocked his hips against you, the evidence of his arousal bulging behind his zipper, pressing against you. You gave a soft moan as he rolled his hips again, his lips latched onto yours, hands slipping beneath your shirt and climbing up your ribs.

“Dean? You home?”

You fell back against the wall, chest heaving and one hand flying up to cover your mouth. Dean was across the room, his back to you, standing at the window, breathing just as hard, since you could see his shoulders moving up and down. He glanced over his shoulder at you and swallowed, clearing his throat and pushing a hand through his hair. He cleared his throat and nodded.

“Yeah, in here.”

You looked to the door as you heard heels clicking across the floor.

“Oh hey, Y/N. How are you feeling?”

You forced a smile onto your face.

“He—hey Cassie. I’m feeling a lot better.”  
“Good. Honey, do you … are you feeling okay?”

Dean blinked.

“What? Yeah, no, I’m fine.”  
“Are you sure? You look a little flushed.”

Dean gave her a smile, looking up and meeting your eyes.

“Nah, it’s nothing.”

You took in a breath, feeling almost positive that if he had walked over and slapped you across the face, it may have hurt less. You blinked as tears welled up in your eyes, and you walked to the coffee table, cleaning up the mess of your food you’d made earlier. You sniffled and made your way into the kitchen, dropping the food in the trash can and the plate in the sink, gripping onto the counter to keep from falling to your knees.

You closed your eyes and took a few deep breaths, lifting your head and staring out the little window over the kitchen sink. You heard the door open again, a second before Jess’ voice rang through the apartment.

“Y/N! Are you here?!”

You exhaled and sniffled, walking to the foyer, where Jess stood with windblown hair and a splotchy face. You blinked, shaking your head.

“Are you okay?”

She nodded, concern crossing her face.

“Are you?”

You heard footsteps come up behind you, and you nodded.

“My eyes are just hurting a bit.  _It’s_   _nothing_.”

You refused to glance over your shoulder, but you heard the slow intake of breath behind you. Sam came walking in, a wide smile on his red face. You shook your head, meeting Jess’ eyes again.

“Is everything all right?”

Jess smiled, eyes sparkling with tears.

“It’s more than all right.”

She held out her left hand, and you took in a breath when you saw the new diamond ring glinting off her finger.

You can’t really say why, but in that moment, your heart absolutely broke. Tears filled your eyes and it felt like there was a gaping hole in your chest. Maybe it was because of what had happened before they all walked in. Maybe it was because of the pure joy on Jess’ face, and how proud Sam looked standing behind her. Maybe it was the way you felt that would never, ever happen for you, because the person you loved didn’t feel the same way about you.

Or if he did, he’d never act on it.

A tear rolled down your cheek a second before you lifted your face, making yourself smile at one of your best friends.

“Jessie … I’m so happy for you.”

Jess gave a watery laugh, stepping forward and taking you into her arms. You buried your face in her hair for a moment, then made yourself smile again as you looked to Sam.

“Congratulations, Sammy.”

Sam walked over, wrapping you and Jess both in his arms, making you laugh. You stepped back to let Jess go to hug Dean and let Cassie fawn over her ring. Sam took your hand and led you into the kitchen, noticing the way Dean watched you walk away, seeing the look on his face. When you were away from everyone else, Sam pulled you back into his arms.

“It’s okay, Y/N. I’ve got you.”

You clung to him, burying your face in his chest. His big hand came up to rest at the back of your head, holding you to him, and the tears came harder when he rested his head on top of yours. His other hand gently rubbed up and down your back, just holding you and letting you cry.


	9. Pretty Eyes, Pirate Smile

You went on your toes to fix a streamer, going back down on your flat feet and letting out a sigh. You nodded, putting your hands on your hips as you surveyed the bar. You yelped as you were embraced from behind and you smiled, moving one hand to rest on the hands that were wrapped around you. Jess put her chin on your shoulder, and you used your other hand to pat the side of her head. She let out a happy sigh.

“This is perfect.”

You leaned your head on hers.

“That’s what I wanted.”

You shook your head.

“I still can’t believe you’re getting married.”  
“You? Honey, I keep trying to get whatever this weird thing is off my finger, and then oh wait. That’s right. It’s my engagement ring.”

You laughed, and Jess stepped away from you, linking her arm through one of yours.

“Heard from Dean?”

You shook your head.

“Radio silence. I guess we said all we needed to say three weeks ago.”

Jess glanced down at her hand. Three weeks ago had been the day she and Sam had gotten engaged. The day Dean basically said you were nothing to him. The day your heart shattered into pieces. You’ve been just going through the motions ever since.

The engagement party helped, because you—as maid of honor—wanted to make sure your best friend’s wedding season was the best ever. Tonight, the Roadhouse was closed to the public, but open to anyone wanting to celebrate Sam and Jess. The DJ was already setting up in one corner, some of the tables had been cleared away to make a dance floor, and you could hear Ash and Jo bickering in the kitchen about the food.

“Hey, what are you wearing tonight?”

You shrugged your shoulders.

“I was thinking a long, flowy white dress. Maybe with a train. Ooh, and a veil.”

Jess lifted an eyebrow before she rolled her eyes.

“Ha ha, you’re so hilarious.”

You laughed, then grabbed her hand, dragging her upstairs.

“Come see!”

* * *

 

You let out a sigh as you looked at your reflection in the mirror. You’d gone with wedges instead of heels, giving you a bit of height while keeping the comfort factor. The dress was one you’d stumbled on a while back and kept in your closet for such a time as this. The dress was an emerald green, sleeveless, and hit just above your knees. You reached up to touch your hair, which you’d pulled half up, curling the underside and letting it rest around your shoulders. You sighed again, glancing at the door as it opened.

“Hey, are you … oh, wow.”

You smiled as Jo stepped in, hands on her hips. Her long, blonde hair was down and gently curled, waving around her face. She had on tight leather pants, high-heeled boots, and a button-up white flowy shirt.

“Wow yourself. Hot mama over here.”

Jo raised a hand, flipping her hair off one shoulder. You laughed, and she smiled widely as she stepped in the room.

“This dress … damn, girl. Did we know green was your color?”

You shrugged your shoulders, and Jo walked up beside you, looking at both of you in the mirror.

“Fuck, man. We’re hot as hell.”

You threw your head back and laughed, and Jo grinned as she walked to your dresser, picking up a tube of lip gloss.

“Hey, can I borrow this?”  
“Does it matter if I say yes or no?”

Jo shook her head, mouth open as she was already applying the lip gloss to her lips. You snorted, shaking your head as you fastened earrings in your ears.

“You ready for this?”

You nodded, making a face as you fought with a tiny piece of flyaway hair.

“Yeah, I think we’ve got it all figured out. Food, drinks, no games or anything, but we’ve got the DJ, and the old jukebox whenever the DJ quits. Dance the night away?”

Jo smiled, then spoke a little softer.

“I meant seeing Dean.”

You sighed.

“I just don’t know. I miss him, but you know …”  
“Yeah, I know. I’m sorry. But hey, you know I’m always here, and I’ll be down there. Just shoot me a look and we’ll go do shots in the kitchen until you feel better.”

You laughed, turning and wrapping Jo in a hug.

“You’re the best, Joey.”  
“Eh, I try.”

You pulled away, giving one more glance in the mirror. You nodded, taking Jo’s hand as the two of you walked down the stairs.

* * *

 

The party was a huge success. Jess and Sam were having a wonderful time, mingling with the crowd and stepping out on the dancefloor. Jo dragged you away from the bar to dance more than a few times, and you found yourself slipping out of your shoes and into the pair of flip-flops you kept hidden behind the bar. You fixed drinks and bothered Ash in the kitchen, all the while dutifully ignoring Dean and the glances he kept shooting your way.

* * *

 

You were standing in a corner of the bar at one point, chugging a cold bottle of water. You bent your head and put the bottle at your neck, moaning softly at the feel of the cold condensation on your skin. It was hot as hell in the bar. Maybe it was all the people, maybe it was the three or four shots you’d done. You moved your head, moving the bottle to another part of your neck.

“Rough night?”

You glanced over your shoulder, smiling at Benny.

“Hot.”  
“Fans are going like crazy.”  
“I don’t think they’re doing much good.”

Benny smiled at you, leaning over the bar.

“Thanks for inviting me.”

You waved a hand at him.

“Jess loves you. Says you’re just a big teddy bear.”  
“Yeah, can y’all stop saying that? Bad for my image.”

He curled his arms and bowed up his muscular shoulders, and you couldn’t help but laugh. He smiled at you, blue eyes twinkling, and you tapped your lips with a finger.

“Your secret’s safe with me.”

He winked at you, reaching over the bar and into the ice below, grabbing himself a beer. You shook your head as he popped the top and walked into the crowd.

“So it’s just me you’re avoiding, then.”

You slowly closed your eyes, swallowing the sip of water you’d just taken. You turned around, seeing Dean standing in front of you. He raised his eyebrows, like he was expecting an answer, and you shrugged your shoulders.

“Two-way street, you know? You haven’t exactly been rushing over to talk to me.”  
“Yeah well, the last time I did that, you ignored all my calls.”  
“So you didn’t even bother this time? And how pathetic is it that there’s a ‘last time’ and a ‘this time?’”

You stepped away from him, pushing open the doors and walking into the kitchen. Ash turned from the grill, raising an eyebrow at you. He opened his mouth, closing it and going wide-eyed when the doors opened again. Ash turned back to the grill and you turned around, shaking your head at Dean.

“Employees only.”  
“Oh, like hell.”

You ground your teeth together, and Dean let out a laugh.

“I came over here to apologize, and you’re being such a—”  
“Are you kidding me?! You come at with this attitude and what were you expecting me to do? Just lay down and take it? No thanks, I’ve done plenty of that in my life.”

You shook your head.

“And if this is you trying to apologize, you suck at it.”

You pushed him out of the way, walking back behind the bar and grabbing the bottle of tequila. It was quickly taken out of your hands, and when you whirled around to see who’d done such a thing, you went still when you saw Sam’s face.

“Please, just … go dance with Jess. I’ll take care of him. Don’t … do this.”

He motioned with the bottle in his hand and you nodded. You turned and walked for the dancefloor, smiling when Jess squealed and jumped up and down at the sight of you, her hands making grabby motions until you slid your hands in hers.

* * *

 

Six songs later, you were exhausted. You and Jo were sitting at the bar, watching Sam and Jess slow dance like they were the only two people in the bar. The crowd had thinned some, but just slightly.

“Look at them. Aren’t they just disgusting?”

You giggled, unscrewing the top from the bottle of water Ellen had all but poured down your and Jo’s throats.

“Don’t be jealous, Jo.”  
“I’m not jealous.”

You shot her a look and she sighed.

“Maybe just a little bit.”  
“Where’s Charlie, anyway?”

Jo made a face, moving her fingers over the rim of her water bottle.

“Work trip. She’s a computer genius, so whenever something new comes up, she’s got to go test it out. She, uh … She actually asked me to go with her.”  
“Seriously?”

Jo shrugged.

“I couldn’t miss this, though. And she completely understood. Next time, she said.”  
“Jo!”

Jo smiled, cheeks turning red.

“So this is getting serious?”

Jo sighed.

“I don’t know. I mean, neither one of us is seeing anybody else.”  
“Have you …?”

Jo nodded.

“And was it …?”

Jo closed her eyes, nodding again, and you laughed.

“Oh, Joey. Look at you, with your big girl relationship.”  
“Don’t put a title on it. We’re just … hanging out.”  
“Oh, yeah. Sure. ‘Hanging out.’ The way you and I hang out? Because I make that face when we talk about the sex I have with my friends. Oh, wait.”

Jo snorted, reaching over to push your shoulder.

“Shut up.”

You took a sip of your water, then turned to her.

“Seriously, though. I can see how happy she makes you.”

You reached over, twirling a piece of blonde hair between your fingers.

“You need to let her.”  
“You know how hard that is for me.”  
“Yes, I do. But trust me. It’ll be worth it.”

Jo leaned over, placing a smacking kiss on your cheek. She held out her hand and you shook your head.

“Please, let me rest.”

She rolled her eyes, sticking her tongue out at you before making a beeline for Jess on the dancefloor. You sighed, finishing off your water and tossing it to the trash can before turning back towards the dancefloor. You blinked as a new song started, filling the bar with a familiar piano riff. Cheers went up from the crowd and you went still.

_“Oh, I love this song!”_

_Dean made a face as you leaned forward, turning the volume knob. No one—not even Sam—was allowed to touch the radio. No one but you. You smiled as you settled, pulling a leg up on the seat with you._

**_“Blue jean baby, L.A. lady,_  
Seamstress for the band.  
Pretty eyes, pirate smile,   
She’ll marry a music man.”**

_You sang along softly, until Dean cleared his throat._

_“You know, I never really understood that song.”_

_You stopped singing when Dean spoke, and you rolled your head towards him._

_“It was the seventies. Songs didn’t make sense back then.”_

_Dean laughed, flipping on the blinker and changing lanes._

**_“Ballerina, you must’ve seen her,_  
Dancing in the sand.  
Now she’s in me.  
Always with me.  
Tiny dancer, in my hand.”**

_You sang along a little bit more, until Dean spoke again._

_“My mom liked Elton John.”  
“Really?”_

_Dean nodded._

_“She used to play his records, but only when my dad wasn’t home. He didn’t like Elton. Said the songs didn’t make sense.”  
“Well, he had a point.”_

_Dean snorted, and you watched his throat as he swallowed hard._

_“Do you want me to change it?”_

_He shook his head, knuckles white from where he was gripping the steering wheel._

_“Pull over.”_  
“We’ve got to get to Kansas City.”  
“No, we don’t. Pull over.”

_He flipped the blinker on, pulling off to the side of the road. The car was barely in park before he threw the door open, walking around to the back of the car through the dust the tires had stirred up. After a few moments, you opened your door, stepping out and squinting your eyes at the harsh sunlight. You walked around to the back of the car, leaning against where Dean had just recently filled the car with gas. He turned back to you, throwing his hands out._

_“I fucking hate this! I hate that I can’t hear a goddamn song on the fucking radio without feeling like I’ve been punched in the gut.”_

_He shook his head._

_“Losing Mom was bad enough. Why’d he have to go and die, too?”_

_You felt your shoulders sag as he let his arms fall by his sides. You walked over and wrapped your arms around him, holding him tighter when he tried to fight your touch._

_“Hug me back, damn it.”_

_With a huffed breath, he did what you commanded, burying his face in your hair and holding on tightly. You ran your fingers up and down his spine, feeling his hot breath on your neck and the tears soaking into your shoulder. You smiled, swaying slightly, until he was moving with you._

_“We’ll just turn the bad into good, okay?”_  
“How?”  
“Like this.”

_He sniffled, not moving from where he was tucked against you._

_“Standing on the side of the road?”_  
“Not standing. Dancing.”  
“Y/N, we’re not dancing.”  
“Oh, yes we are.”

_You felt his eyelashes against your skin as he blinked, before he lifted his head to look down at your feet. You stepped away from him, holding onto his hand, forcing him to twirl you. He rolled his eyes as you came back to him, wrapping him in your arms again as he went back to his space at your shoulder. You let one hand come up to push through his hair, smiling widely when his low voice rumbled against your neck as he sang._

**_“Hold me closer, tiny dancer.”_ **

_You laughed, tightening your arms around him._

_“We’ll make this one_ our _song. No one can ever take it away from us. You promise?”_

_Dean lifted his head, tucking a piece of hair behind your ear._

_“I promise, tiny dancer.”  
“I’m not a tiny dancer, you nerd.”_

_Dean’s laughter rang out on the side of the road as he stepped back, twirling you once more._

* * *

 

You blinked as your eyes suddenly, quickly filled with tears. You scanned the dance floor, feeling your heart break in two when you saw Dean and Cassie, wrapped in each other’s arms. Green eyes opened, blinking once before locking with yours, and you shook your head, pushing off the barstool, ignoring Ash’s call, shoving open the back door and stumbling into the parking lot. You kept walking until you hit a car, and when you looked down, you lost it.

You screamed through clenched teeth as your fists slammed into the hood of the gleaming black car. She’d never been anything but good to you, but at the moment, you hated this Impala with every cell in your body. You kicked her tires, ignoring the pain that sent up your legs. You gave more than a second thought to busting out the lights, but in the end, you just leaned over the hood and sobbed.

You didn’t hear anyone come up, but at the feel of a hand on your back, you shook your head. The hand was joined by another, lifting you from the car, turning you around and pulling you against a wide chest. Your knees buckled when you breathed him in, but he held you up, murmuring the entire time.

“I’m so sorry. Y/N, sweetheart, I’m so, so sorry.”

You lifted your arms, wrapping them around his neck and clinging to him. Your entire body was shaking, and he ran his hands up and down your back.

“Come on, baby. Please stop crying.”  
“I can’t do this.”  
“I know. God, believe me, I know.”

You pulled back and looked up at him. The minute his green eyes met yours, your breath caught in your throat. It was like the entire world melted away, taking everything with it, leaving only the two of you.

Dean bent his head, and you held his face in your hands as he pressed his lips to yours. You felt the stubble on his cheeks bite into your palms, and you slid your hands from his face up into his hair. His hands drifted to your waist, pulling you closer, making you gasp when he suddenly lifted you, setting you on the hood. Your hands moved to push off the flannel he was wearing, and he tore it off, tossing it to the ground behind him. You pushed his t-shirt up, and he reached behind his head, taking hold of the neck and pulling it over his head.

His lips came back to yours, and he moaned into your mouth as your hands drifted over his skin. You gasped as his calloused fingers began sliding up, dipping under your dress and pressing right between your legs.

“Oh, god.”

Your voice was soft, barely reaching Dean’s ears. He leaned back, looking into your eyes, smiling when your gaze met his. You gasped as the warmth from his palm bled through your panties, and you reached up, grabbing hold of his strong shoulders. You gasped again as Dean wrapped his arms around you, pulling you off the car as he unzipped your dress. You wrapped your legs around him and pressed your lips to his neck as he opened the back door and laid you across the backseat.

He was on top of you before you could speak, lips locked to yours again as he tugged down the front of your dress. You groaned as his calloused hands danced over your breasts, and you managed to get his jeans unbuttoned and tugged down some, pulling your legs up as he yanked your panties off.

You gasped as he began to push into you, your eyes locking on his. He never looked away, and you’re not sure if he even blinked, a full-body shudder wracking through you before he leaned down, still staring into your eyes as the tip of his nose brushed against yours.

_“I love you.”_

You and Dean spoke at the same time, the words barely whispered. He bent to press his lips to yours and you tangled your fingers in his hair, moaning into his mouth as his hips began a steady, deep rhythm. You closed your eyes then, letting your body just feel. You dug your nails into his shoulders, moving your hands to feel the strength in his muscled arms. One of his hands moved to cup your face, bringing your lips back to his, and you felt your entire being shatter. Your mouth was open in a soundless scream, nails digging into Dean’s skin, raking down his back. He lifted his head enough to look down at you, and you blinked, feeling as if you were seeing him for the first time.

You whimpered as your body felt so sensitive, but his movements never stopped. You lifted your hands to cup his face, rolling your fingertips over his nose and cheekbones, tracing your thumb along his full lips and the line of his jaw. His rhythm stuttered and he bent down, burying his head in your hair, biting at your neck gently, making you moan. His hand slipped between the two of you to flick at your clit, and you leaned forward, biting his shoulder to muffle the scream as you came again. This time, Dean came with you, groaning into your hair as warmth filled you to your very soul.

* * *

 

Aftershocks seemed to dazzle through your veins for the longest time. You could feel the thunder of Dean’s heartbeat where his chest was pressed against you, and you couldn’t help but smile. Your fingers were gently carding through his hair, finally beginning to feel your breathing regulating once more. Dean lifted his head and looked at you, and you smiled at him, feeling that familiar double-thump of your heart in your chest.

Dean sighed, a sound that made you feel funny deep inside, and he lifted himself off you and out of the car, pushing his hands through his hair before he tugged his jeans up and buttoned them. You felt cold all of a sudden, and so very scared as you slid your arms back into your dress, pulling it back up around your torso. You slid out of the Impala and stood on shaky legs, watching Dean pull his shirt back on, skating his hands down the front of it to get the dirt and whatever off.

“D—Dean?”

He didn’t answer you, picking his flannel up and shaking it off before laying it on the hood of the car. You licked your lips, swallowing hard.

“Dean, what does this mean?”

He moved to rest his hands on the hood, hanging his head. You bit your tongue, trying your best not to throw up as he stayed where he was, still not answering you. You lifted a hand to cover your mouth, closing your eyes as waves of shame and horror rolled through you. Your voice was barely audible to you when you spoke again.

“What did we do?”  
“We made a mistake.”

You whipped your head to face him, watching as he slowly raised his head, sad green eyes meeting yours. He shook his head, taking a step forward.

“I’m so sorry.”

You took a step backwards, making him stop where he was, and tears filled your eyes.

“Oh my god.”  
“Y/N.”  
“Oh, I feel sick.”  
“Y/N, please.”

You turned away from him, eyes wide as you stared across the parking lot, the lights of the Roadhouse swimming together as the tears spilled down your cheeks. You flinched away hard when you felt Dean touch your shoulder, and you turned back to him, entire body starting to shake.

“Don’t touch me.”  
“I was just—”  
“How could you … I just … oh my god.”

You pushed your hands through your hair, walking away from the car.

“Y/N, just wait.”

You turned back to face him, walking back towards the Impala.

“You said that you loved me.”

He swallowed, and you shook your head, trying to smile.

“You said that you loved me, Dean. We said it at the same time.”

He shook his head, that same sad smile back on his lips.

“It was … a heat of the moment kind of thing.”

You wanted to die. You wanted a giant sinkhole to open up in the parking lot and swallow you, because then you wouldn’t have to feel what you were feeling. You’d made a horrible, awful mistake, one you could never, ever take back, and now everything was ruined. He didn’t love you. You loved him with every atom in your body, but he didn’t feel the same. He’d gotten caught up in the moment, and you were nothing more than …

“I’m a whore.”  
“Y/N.”  
“I am. Oh my god.”  
“Y/N, can I just—”

You shook your head, pressing a hand to your mouth to keep from throwing up. You closed your eyes, listening to Dean’s boots crunch through the gravel as he walked towards you. You shook your head and surged forward, wanting nothing more than to be anywhere but here, anywhere but near him. He jogged behind you, calling your name, and you came to a hard stop as the kitchen door burst open. Jo stepped outside, dragging a bag of trash behind her, going still when she saw you.

“Hey.”

You looked to her, eyes wide.

“H—hey.”  
“What’s wrong?”

You shook your head, feeling your body start to tremble. Jo looked over your shoulder and saw Dean push his hands through his hair.

"What’s going on?”  
“No—nothing.”  
“You suck at lying. Are you okay?”

You shook your head and Jo stepped forward, one eyebrow raised as she looked at Dean.

“What did you do to her?”  
“Jo, listen.”  
“Jo, go back inside, please.”

Jo shook her head, moving to stand closer to you, putting a hand on your shoulder.

“Y/N, if …”

She leaned back, moving her hand, slowly taking in a breath. She blinked, then moved to stand behind you.

“Your dress is unzipped.”

You closed your eyes as she zipped your dress for you, clearing her throat as she walked to stand between you and Dean. She crossed her arms over her chest, then nodded to Dean.

“Cassie was looking for you.”

He closed his eyes, running a hand over his face again. He started towards the Roadhouse, stopping when Jo let out a whistle. He glanced over his shoulder and she motioned with her head towards the Impala.

“You might want to get your flannel. You’ve got … scratches on the back of your arms.”

You buried your face in your hands as Dean jogged back to the car, yanking his flannel off the hood and sliding his arms through it before he walked inside. You lifted your head when you heard the door shut and you looked at Jo, seeing the disappointment on her face. You couldn’t stop the tears then, and Jo sighed.

“Y/N—”  
“Don’t. Please, just …”

You sobbed, putting your face back in your hands and Jo blinked back tears of her own, walking to you and wrapping an arm around you.

“Come on. Let me go get rid of everyone.”  
“Jo, I—”  
“I know. We can talk when everyone else is gone.”

You hung your head and Jo wrapped you in a hug, making you cry even harder.

“It’s okay, honey.”  
“No, it isn’t.”

You sucked in a breath, sobbing again as you shook your head.

“I’ve fucked it up for good this time.”


	10. Wrong Again

“You have to drink this. You’re going to be dehydrated.”

You closed your eyes, sniffling once, rolling onto your back. Jo sighed, holding the bottle of water out, giving it a shake. You blinked, reaching out for it, only to have Jo pull it out of your reach. You sighed and sat up in the bed, pushing a hand through your messy hair, and Jo sat on the side of the bed as you twisted the top off the bottle and took a long drink. After another sip, you handed the bottle back to her, and Jo gave you a soft smile.

“There we go.”

You shook your head, sniffling again. Tears filled your eyes yet again, and you lay back down, pulling the covers up and over your head. Jo closed her eyes, standing up when she heard the ragged exhale you gave. She walked to your door, leaning her head against the jamb for just a moment before she turned and walked back downstairs.

“Hey. How is she?”

Jo shook her head, walking behind the bar. Jess sighed, tapping her nails on the bar.

“And she didn’t tell you what was wrong?”

Jo licked her lips, glad that she had her back to Jess. She shook her head again, turning around and shrugging her shoulders. Jess huffed out a breath, crossing her arms over her chest.

“I’m sure it’s got something to do with Dean, because he was mad enough to fight a bear last night. Cassie couldn’t even talk to him. He walked into the apartment and slammed his bedroom door, locking it like he was a preteen or something.”

Jo pursed her lips as she nodded.

“I don’t know. With them, you … you never can tell.”  
“Seriously.”

Jess sighed, glancing at her watch.

“Crap. I’m going to be late for class.”

She stood up and grabbed her purse, meeting Jo’s eyes.

“I’ve got a full schedule tomorrow, but I can swing by the next day and check on her, talk to her if nothing else.”

Jo nodded. Jess smiled and nodded back, wiggling her fingers in a wave as she left the bar. Jo seemed to deflate then, putting her hands on the bar and hanging her head.

“Don’t you feel bad, lying like that?”

Jo whirled around, mouth falling open. Dean stepped out of the shadows, and Jo let out a sharp laugh.

“You have got some  _balls,_ showing up here.”

Dean sighed, and Jo noticed the dark circles under his eyes. She crossed her arms over her chest as he ran a hand over his hair. Jo pursed her lips, then spoke.

“What are you doing here?”

Dean licked his lips, then answered her.

“I just wanted to see if she’s—”  
“I think you’ve done enough by her, don’t you?”

Dean blew out his breath, shaking his head.

“Look, I know I fucked up—”  
“Seriously? It seems like all you do is fuck up when it comes to her. What the hell is wrong with you? Why do you keep treating her like shit? No, actually, what you’re doing is worse than that.”  
“Jo—”  
“I honestly think it would be best if you just go.”

Dean blinked, then held out his hands.

“The bar’s open.”  
“Yeah, for  _customers_. Not assholes. And I’m not so sure I won’t punch you in your damn face if you stay.”

Dean snorted, huffing out a breath and shaking his head. He turned to walk out through the kitchen when he stopped. He turned his head just enough to speak over his shoulder, and Jo watched him swallow before he spoke.

“Take care of her.”  
“That’s what I’m here for.”  
“Tell her I’m sorry. No, just … just take care of her.”

Jo had a funny feeling in the pit of her stomach, and she took a step forward.

“Dean? Are you—”  
“Sorry for … I’m just sorry.”  
“Dean, wait.”

He shook his head as he pushed open the kitchen door, and Jo hurried around the bar, through the kitchen, and out the back door. She stepped into the sun just in time to see the Impala drive away, and she let out a ragged breath.

* * *

 

On the third day of your pity party, you dragged yourself out of bed. You walked into the bathroom and stood in front of the mirror, staring at your reflection. Your eyes were puffy, tear tracks visible in your cheeks. Your lips were chapped, your hair dirty and oily and matted to your head in some places. You closed your eyes, turning away from the mirror, forcing yourself into the shower, standing under the hot water until it ran cold. You washed your hair and your body in the icy stream, wrapping yourself in a towel and coming to a hard stop at the entrance to your bedroom.

Jo was there, pulling the comforter up on your bed. The dirty sheets you’d wallowed in for three days were in a ball in the corner, and the curtains you’d pulled shut were open, sunshine and a light breeze sneaking in through the open windows.

“Oh, hey. I was wondering if you were ever going to get out or if you’d just decided to become a mermaid.”

You watched Jo put her hands on her hips and you smiled, looking down at your wrinkled fingertips.

“Sorry, I used all the hot water.”  
“Oh, it won’t take long for it to build back up. Besides, I shower at night and Mom hits the early morning.”

You nodded, a small smile coming over your face.

“What about Ash?”  
“Whether or not he showers at all is still debatable.”

You giggled, and Jo bit her lip as she walked over to you. You took in a deep breath as she picked up a rope of your wet hair and twisted it around her finger.

“Want me to brush it for you?”

You nodded, and Jo smiled.

“Get dressed and meet me in the living room.”

She walked out of the bedroom and you went to your dresser, throwing on whatever clothes happened to be at the tops of the drawers. And naturally, the shirt that you pulled over your head turned out to be an old one of Dean’s. Nothing fancy, it was just a gray shirt with a pocket. It still made you exhale sharply, like wearing the shirt at all was painful.

You forced yourself into the living room, walking to the couch and sitting on the floor in front of Jo. She had to notice the shirt, but like the angel she was, she didn’t mention it. She picked up the brush she must have gotten out of the bathroom and slowly dragged it through your hair. The two of you sat in silence for a while, Jo gently detangling your hair, until your quiet voice broke the stillness.

“It hurts, Jo.”  
“Oh, I’m sorry.”  
“No, not … not you. Not my hair.”

You let out a sigh, looking down at your hands as you murmured.

“Everything else.”

You heard Jo sigh behind you, closing your eyes as her gentle fingers began slipping through your hair, sorting the wet strands into a French braid. After a few moments of braiding, Jo spoke.

“I don’t know what to say to you. I don’t know how to help you with this.”

Tears came to your eyes.

“I don’t know either.”  
“Just talk to me. Get it all out.”

You shook your head, tears slipping down your cheeks.

“It hurts. Everything just hurts. It hurts to breathe. Makes me not even want to breathe.”

You let out a sob, and Jo slid off the couch, wrapping her arms around you from behind, holding you tightly. You moved your hands to grip her wrists, and she moved her chin to your shoulder.

“You listen to me. I know how horrible this is for you, and it sucks to high heaven, but it was one mistake.  _One_ , and it is not worth losing you over.”

You cried harder, and Jo just held on. Intermittently, she would wipe the tears off your face, until you had calmed enough for her to let you go. She moved to sit beside you, holding your hand, just waiting until you could speak.

“I don’t understand why I’m acting like this. I mean … I’m acting like he died or something, and he didn’t. He just …”  
“Broke your heart.”

You looked at her, seeing the sympathy in her brown eyes. You shrugged your shoulders.

“Maybe it would be easier if he had died.”  
“Mom says there are some things that are worse than death.”

You slowly nodded, pursing your lips.

“Mom’s right.”

Jo smiled, reaching over to run the backs of her fingers down your cheek. You closed your eyes and she sighed.

“Jess has called and/or texted asking me how you are for three days. And that’s only because she’s been busy with classes and stuff, or else she’d have been here.”

You nodded.

“I’ve got to talk to her. I just … I don’t know how.”  
“She’s your best friend. Just talk to her.”  
“She’s  _one_  of my best friends.”

You punctuated that remark by giving Jo’s hand a squeeze. She smiled, squeezing your hand back.

“Tell her the truth. You just made a mistake.”

You nodded, wanting to tell her that it hadn’t felt like a mistake. It had felt like it was supposed to happen, that it was meant to be. You knew that was just you getting caught up in a fantasy, but still.

“I just … I know how she feels about … stuff like that.”  
“You’ve got to tell her, though.”

You nodded again. After a moment, Jo sighed.

“Sam called while you were in the shower.”

You met her eyes and she sighed again.

“Dean’s gone.”  
“Gone where?”

She shrugged her shoulders.

“He left a note that said ‘ _Sammy, let me go’_  with no details. Also, his voicemail says  _‘I’m fine. Leave a message, but I probably won’t answer it.’_ ”

You nodded, staring down at your hot pink Victoria’s Secret sweatpants.

“He probably needs some time to think. He does his best thinking on the road.”

Jo nodded, and you glanced towards the window, seeing the light beginning to dim, the sun starting its descent. Jo let go of your hand and stood up, brushing her hands down her jeans.

“You hungry? Wednesdays are notoriously slow, so we can have the run of the kitchen. I know Ash would love to see you, and if you’re not up to going down, he’d love to fix you something.”

You smiled.

“He’s a good guy.”  
“That he is. And he’s been worried about you. We all have.”

You nodded.

“I know. And I’m sorry. I just …”

You shrugged a shoulder and Jo tapped the top of your head.

“We all get it. Don’t worry.”  
“Tell Ellen I’ll work tomorrow. All day, if she wants.”

Jo nodded.

“I’ll be back in a little bit with some food?”

You smiled, giving her a nod. She grinned, turning and walking out the door. You let out a sigh, resting your head back on the couch. After a moment there, you stood to your feet, wincing at the way your legs were asleep. After a moment, you had enough feeling in them to walk to the window, and you moved to rest your forehead against the cool glass.

Every time you closed your eyes, you could see him. His face, the way he was staring at you in the back of the Impala, like he couldn’t believe it was happening, like he couldn’t believe you were there. The way he kept his eyes open when he kissed you, until he just couldn’t anymore.

The look on his face when he told you that you were just another mistake he’d made.

You leaned back from the window, blinking your eyes open, staring at the still-dwindling sunlight. Today was almost over. Tomorrow would be different. Tomorrow would be better. The pain couldn’t last forever.

Right?

* * *

 

You pushed the rag across the bar, cleaning it as best you could. There was a stickiness to the bar that never seemed to go away, no matter how often you tried to clean it. You tried to keep your mind on your task, instead of thinking back to the warm hug Ellen had given you when you tried to apologize for practically ghosting her the past three days. She had just shaken her head and wrapped you in her arms and you wanted to stay in that warmth for the rest of your life.

You had called Jess, who promised that she’d swing by the bar as soon as she was done with class. She had a late one today, so you had time to get your thoughts in order. The crowd in the bar, however, was filling up, kind of out of character for any day other than the weekend. You were slinging beers and pulling food from the window, passing it off to Jo who was working her ass off as the lone waitress. You were thinking about roping Jess into helping when she got there when you had a customer call you by name.

You lifted your head, the smile faltering on your face when you saw her milk chocolate skin and riotously curly hair.

“Cassie.”

She smiled at you, but there was an edge to it. Your heart began pounding in your chest, completely missing the way Jo did a double-take at her before going still. Cassie put her hands on the bar, looking down at it before meeting your eyes.

“Can you do me a favor?”

You pushed a smile on your face.

“Depends on what it is.”

That was your automatic answer whenever anyone asked you for a favor, ever since the tenth grade, when the favor Dean asked you to do got the two of your grounded for a month. Cassie nodded, looking down again before meeting your eyes, all happiness and light gone from her eyes.

“Stay the hell away from my boyfriend.”

You took in a breath, but she didn’t give you a chance to speak. You didn’t notice how the bar had fallen silent.

“I understood, you know? I knew that you two were friends—best friends, even—and I let you be. But it’s over, Y/N. You stay away from him. Are we clear?”  
“Ca—Cassie.”

She turned to walk away, but stopped, reaching into the pocket of her jacket.

“Oh, by the way?”

She tossed something from her pocket onto the bar and you felt all the blood rush from your face when you saw what that something was.

“You left those in the backseat of the car after you fucked him.”

She turned and walked away, the sound of her heels clicking on the floor the only sound in the bar. You reached a shaking hand out to gather your panties off the bar, lifting your head again and letting out a choked breath.

Jess stood just inside the doorway, confusion coloring her pretty features. She met your eyes, and you hung your head, tears coming suddenly and uncontrollably. You felt Jo’s hand on your arm and you flinched away, lifting your head again, unable to see anything through the waterfall of tears.

“I—I’m sorry. I’m so … sorry.”

You turned and stumbled to the stairs, hurrying up as quickly as you could, ignoring Jo’s gentle calls.

You stumbled into your room, knee hitting your bedframe, crying out as you hit the floor. You crumpled the panties in your hand and threw them against the wall, reaching up with a blindly searching hand, grabbing a pillow off the bed and burying your face in it as you screamed. You vaguely heard the door open, voices blurring together in your ears as you screamed into the pillow again.

“Come on, honey. You’ve got to breathe.”

The pillow was taken from your hands and you shook your head as you were maneuvered around, sitting with your back against the bed. You could see blonde hair through the tears in your eyes, and you choked out a sob before two different hands grasped yours.

Jo and Jess were there, and somehow, that eased your racing mind.

One of their hands slipped down to your wrist, and then you heard Jess mutter.

“Your heart is racing, Y/N. Try and calm down.”

You let out a laugh, shaking your head before another sob escaped your lips.

“I—I’m—”

You reached up, grabbing Jess’ wrist, looking up at her.

“I’m so sorry.”

Jess shook her head and you hung yours. You sobbed again and found yourself wrapped in a pair of arms. A hand began stroking your hair, and you leaned onto Jess’ shoulder.

“I—I never—”  
“Shh. Calm down.”

You gripped Jess’ arm as you cried, and she began gently rocking you back and forth. After what seemed like forever, the tears eventually slowed. You kept taking in hitched breaths, and Jess kept stroking your hair. Finally, Jess’ soft voice broke the silence.

“Will you look at me?”

You shook your head, and she gave a quiet chuckle.

“Will you talk to me, then? I got the gist of the story, but … I want to hear it from you.”

You sighed shakily, licking your lips before you spoke.

“Long version or CliffsNotes?”  
“Start from the beginning.”

You nodded, moving to sit up, sliding away from Jess. She stood up and left the room, returning a moment later with a handful of toilet paper. You laughed when she handed it to you, wiping your face and blowing your nose, not even caring that Jess was sitting in front of you hearing it. You crumpled the paper up into a little ball, staring at it while you spoke.

“A long time ago, right after John died … you know, Sam and Dean’s dad?”

Jess nodded, and you went on.

“After he died, Dean and I went on a road trip all over the country. We finally settled down here, but when we first started … it wasn’t too long after John had died. ‘Tiny Dancer’ started playing on the radio and … I don’t know. I guess Dean just got hit with a wave of grief. He had to pull off to the side of the road.”

You shrugged your shoulders.

“He was missing his mom  _and_  his dad, and I told him that we were going to take things that made him sad and turn them into happy things. So we danced on the side of the road and decided ‘Tiny Dancer’ was going to be our song.”

You shook your head, face falling as the tears pooled in your eyes again.

“At your party the other night, they played it, and I … Dean was dancing with Cassie and it just …  _hurt_. It hurt so bad, and I ran outside, literally tripped over the Impala. And then he was there, and …”

You lifted your head, meeting Jess’ eyes.

“I’ve never understood people who say things like this just happen, but it … it did. I didn’t want him to follow me. I never expected him to come outside and …”

You shook your head.

“I didn’t mean for it to happen, but it did.”

You felt the tears come harder, and you blinked, staring at your hands.

“I—I know how you feel about this, and I never wanted to hurt you. I never wanted—”

You shook your head when your voice broke on a sob, and you felt Jess crawl over and grab your hands. You lifted your face, seeing the tears sparkling in her eyes, too.

“Please don’t hate me.”  
“Y/N—”  
“I’m so sorry, Jess.”

She leaned forward, taking you in her arms, holding you tightly. You sobbed into her shoulder as you wrapped shaky arms around her, feeling her body shake as she cried almost as hard as you were.

“I don’t hate you. Do you hear me? You are my best friend, and I love you so much. I do not hate you, and I don’t think there’s anything you could do to make me hate you. Do you understand me?”

You nodded, hearing her even though her words were interspersed with sobs and choked-off cries. You buried your face in her hair and she held you, taking the reins and being strong for you, since you couldn’t be strong for yourself.

A little while later, you and Jess had moved from the floor to laying on your bed. Both of you were on your backs, staring up at the ceiling, one of Jess’ hands entwined with yours. Neither one of you had said anything in a while, and Jess was the one to finally break the quiet.

“I get it.”

You didn’t have to ask your question; she went ahead with her thought.

“I get the ‘it just happened’ thing. I don’t think my mom ever set out to cheat on my dad. Does anyone ever really do that? One thing leads to another, and before you know it …”  
“It’s done.”

Jess nodded, rolling her head to the side, giving your hand a gentle squeeze until you rolled your head to look at her.

“I don’t hate you.”

You glanced down and she squeezed your hand again, until you met her eyes.

“I mean it. It’s very important to me that you know this doesn’t change anything with us.”

You nodded, tears welling up in your eyes again, despite you trying to fight them back.

“I was going to tell you, but I … I couldn’t figure out how. I know how you feel about cheating and—”  
“You’re not the one who cheated, Y/N.  _Dean_  is.”  
“He didn’t do it alone.”

Jess sighed, her lips curling into a smile.

“Where did he do it?”

She glanced over to you and you rolled your eyes, smiling anyway.

“In the backseat of the Impala.”  
“Oh, I knew it!”

You giggled, and Jess let go of your hand as she rolled onto her stomach.

“And you left your panties there for Cassie to find?”

You groaned, moving your hands to cover your face.

“I completely forgot about them, to be honest. After the whole …”

You moved your hands, looking to Jess again.

“I forgot to tell you something.”

She raised an eyebrow and you blew out a breath, moving to stare at the ceiling again.

“He told me he loved me.”  
“ _Excuse me?”_

You nodded.

“He said it was just the heat of the moment.”

Jess shook her head.

“Sam hates that song.”

You smiled, and Jess sat up, shaking her head again.

“So … let me get this straight. Dean told you he loved you, screwed you in the back of his car—”  
“The confession kind of happened during the screwing.”  
“Whatever. He told you he loved you, and then … what? He took it back?”

You nodded.

“It was a mistake, Jessie. It never should have happened.”  
“Yeah, but … it did. And you can’t take it back.”  
“I wish I could.”

She closed her eyes, then glanced over the side of the bed, seeing the black lace panties crumpled on the floor. She swallowed, moving to lean over you and press a smacking kiss to your forehead.

“I better get going. Sam’s going to be wondering where I am, and with Dean gone, he’s on high alert.”

You nodded, groaning as you sat up. You closed your eyes as your head spun just a bit from the change of positions, and when you blinked your eyes open again, Jess was in front of you with a glass of water in her hand. You smiled as you took the glass and sipped. She took your face in her hands and you stared into her eyes.

“We are fine, okay?”

You nodded, and she leaned to kiss the top of your head.

“I love you.”  
“I love you too, Jessie.”

She smiled, winking at you before she walked out the door. You took another sip of the water, then set the glass on your bedside table, lying back on the bed and closing your eyes, instead of staring at the ceiling some more.

* * *

 

Jess walked into the apartment, dropping her keys in the bowl by the door. She took in a deep breath, then lifted her head.

“Cassie!”

It came out a little more forceful than she intended, but Cassie walked out of the kitchen with a menu in each hand, a worried look on her face that faded into a smile as soon as she saw Jess.

“Hey, Jess. I was trying to decide between Chinese or Thai for dinner. What do you think?”  
“I think you need to put those menus down because we need to talk.”

Cassie blinked, but put both menus in one hand and set them on the end table beside the lamp. She crossed her arms over her chest, then raised an eyebrow.

“What do we need to talk about?”  
“What do you think?”

Cassie rolled her eyes, then sighed.

“Look, I know she’s your friend and all, but—”  
“No.”

Cassie’s eyes widened, and Jess shook her head.

“You had  _no_  right to do what you did.”  
“Are you kidding me?”

Cassie threw out her arms.

“She made Dean cheat on me.”

Jess made a face.

“Did she? Because last time I checked, no one held a gun to his head. She didn’t  _make_ him cheat. He’s a grown ass man who does what he wants.”  
“Well, it sure as hell didn’t just happen.”

Jess bit her tongue, then shook her head again.

“Whatever happened, it’s between them. And what you did tonight was completely out of line.”  
“Jessica, she—”  
“No. We don’t know each other well enough for you to call me Jessica.”

Cassie blinked, taking a step backwards.

“Fine.  _Jess_ , what was I supposed to do?”  
“Oh, I don’t know, handle the situation like a fucking adult?! You walked in there and threw her damn  _panties_  on the bar like a pre-teen having a little bitch fit.”  
“Well, it sure wasn’t a problem for her to leave them behind.”  
“In Dean’s car.  _Dean’s_. Not yours. You had no right to touch them, much less give them back to her in such a humiliating manner.”

Cassie had an incredulous smile on her face.

“Are you fucking kidding me? You’re taking her side?”  
“Honestly? Yeah. I am. She’s my best friend. Even when she’s wrong, I’m still on her side.”  
“So you admit this was wrong?”  
“They made a mistake, but it’s not up to us to make them pay for it.”  
“Maybe not you, but I get to.”

Jess glanced down, then lifted her eyes to meet Cassie’s.

“What are you going to do to Dean?”  
“What?”  
“To humiliate him the way you humiliated Y/N.”

Cassie shook her head, and Jess went on.

“After all, it takes two. Y/N didn’t go have sex all by herself. Dean was there, too. You want to punish someone, you punish them both.”

Cassie sighed.

“Dean and I are going to talk when he gets back.”

Jess let out a laugh.

“God,  _this_  is why feminism is a thing.”  
“Oh, don’t even try to pull that shit on me.”  
“Look at what you’re doing! You are crucifying Y/N  _in public_ , but you’re going to ‘have a talk’ with Dean? How is that even remotely the same thing?”

Cassie shook her head, and Jess took in a deep breath.

“I think the best thing for you right now would be to go.”

Cassie’s head shot up, meeting Jess’ eyes.

“Excuse me?”  
“You heard me.”

Cassie let out a laugh.

“I’ve been staying here.”  
“Yeah, with Dean. And he’s not here right now. We don’t know when he’s coming back. You don’t pay rent, so … go.”

Cassie smiled, crossing her arms over her chest.

“This isn’t your apartment,  _Jessica_. Your name isn’t on the lease.”  
“Neither is yours. But you know whose is? Sam’s. And he’s here, so if you want to put it to a fucking vote, we can.”

Cassie shook her head, voice rising as she spoke.

“If you think I’m just going to—”  
“I think it’d be best if you go, Cassie.”

Both girls turned at the sound of that deep voice, and Jess felt a sigh of relief escape her lips as Sam walked up behind her. She somehow stayed upright when his hand came to rest on her shoulder, and Cassie pursed her lips.

“Well. Okay, then.”

She walked towards Dean’s room, slamming the door behind her. Jess turned around and Sam bent, resting his forehead against hers, smiling as she murmured to him.

“I’m sorry.”  
“Don’t be. That was all kinds of hot.”

Jess laughed under her breath, tilting her head up to catch his lips with her own. Sam ran his hands down her arms, taking hold of her hands and rubbing his thumbs over her palms. They stayed like that for a while, until Dean’s door opened again and Cassie walked out, a bag in her hand. She didn’t say anything to them as she walked by, slamming the door behind her. Jess let out a breath and sank into Sam’s arms, and he lowered them to the couch, kissing her forehead. She snuggled up into his giant arms, and he held her tightly, until her body stopped trembling. When she was breathing normally and her heart rate had slowed, Sam’s gentle voice broke the silence.

“What happened?”

Jess sighed, moving to rest her head over Sam’s steady heartbeat.

“I found out why your brother took off.”

Sam didn’t say anything, so Jess went on.

“He slept with Y/N in the Impala.”

Sam still didn’t say anything, and Jess lifted her head to see him look down at her. He sighed and she pushed herself off of his chest.

“You knew?”

Sam nodded, and Jess shook her head.

“Why didn’t you tell me?”  
“It wasn’t mine to tell, baby.”

Jess pushed a hand through her hair and Sam sighed, letting his head roll back on the couch.

“Dean told me the other night. He was very drunk at the time, and we decided to go to bed and face it in the morning. Only … he was gone by the time I woke up.”

Jess shook her head.

“How did we get to this point?”

Sam let out a soft laugh.

“I wish I knew, pretty girl. I wish I knew.”

* * *

 

You made yourself get up and go to work, smiling when Jo and Ellen hovered around you, but keeping to yourself. Surprisingly, Ash was the one who you found yourself wanting to be around, because he didn’t talk much, and when he did, it was extremely intelligent and incredibly kind. He let you talk, and cry, and didn’t do anything except hold open his arm for you to walk up beside him and let him hug you as he cooked.

When you weren’t with Ash, you were doing the mindless chores Jo usually complained about. The Roadhouse had never been cleaner, and Ellen had never been quite so worried about you.

There was no word from Dean. No one knew where he was, but he did periodically check in to let Sam know he was alive. Cassie didn’t come back to the Roadhouse, and after Jess told you that she’d kicked her out, you really didn’t care what became of her.

The days turned into weeks, until a month had passed. You knew you were in a funk, but you couldn’t seem to pull yourself out of it. You didn’t know what could help, since you’d tried all the usual stuff and nothing worked.

One incredibly slow night, you were drying glasses and putting them onto the shelves behind the bar. Jo was making out with Charlie in the back lot, and Ash was singing Skynyrd off-key as he cleaned the grill in the kitchen. You winced as he hit a particularly high note, shaking your head and smiling to yourself as you put another glass away. You heard the jingle of the bell on the door, signaling a customer walking in and you let out a sigh. You didn’t stop what you were doing, because you’d been a bartender long enough to know that if the customer wanted something, they’d come to you. You heard a stool being pulled out and you lifted your head, closing your eyes and waiting.

“Pardon me.”

Your eyes flew open as your heart leapt to your throat.

“Could you pour me a glass of your top-shelf bourbon?”

You could feel your heart pounding in your chest, and with shaky hands, you set the glass you were holding and the rag back down on the counter. You closed your eyes and shook your head.

“It’s impossible.”

A chuckle behind you let you know that he’d heard the words you’d murmured to yourself.

“Not at all, love. Turn around.”

You took in a hitched breath, turning over your shoulder, staring into a pair of eyes you never thought you’d see again.


	11. Overjoyed

Your heart stayed in your throat as you stared at the man across the bar. He was older now, but just as handsome as you remembered, with hair black as coal and eyes a light, bright green. Thick stubble darkened the lower part of his face, as if he had shaved that morning, but to no avail. His lips were curved in a smile, sea green eyes roaming over you the same way you were taking him in.

Your hands were shaking, heart thundering in your chest. You opened your mouth, voice barely a whisper when you finally spoke.

“Mick?”

His grin widened, and he spoke again, the words thickly accented in almost Cockney English.

“Hello, love.”

You blinked, rounding the bar and all but falling into his arms as he stood up. He let out a soft laugh as he held you, going still when he realized you were crying.

“Hey, hey. It’s alright. Why the tears?”

You shook your head and he led you back to the bar, sitting you on the stool beside him and taking hold of your hands. You sniffled and brought your eyes to his, and he smiled again.

“As much as I’d love to think those are tears of joy at seeing me again … I don’t believe they are.”

You shook your head.

“I never thought I’d see you again.”  
“I know.”  
“But you … God, Mick. You always did seem to know exactly when I needed you.”

Tears filled your eyes again and you leaned forward, resting your forehead against Mick’s shoulder. He swallowed, lifting a hand and rubbing your back.

“I’m right here, darling. I’m here and I’m not planning on going anywhere.”

After a moment, you lifted your head, shaking it.

“What are you doing here?”

Mick smiled, reaching to tuck a strand of hair behind your ear.

“We’ve got plenty of time to talk about that. Are you alright?”

You sniffed, then smiled.

“We’ve got plenty of time to talk about that.”

Mick let out a laugh, leaning forward and kissing your cheek. You shook your head, reaching out and taking his hands.

“I can’t believe it’s really you.”  
“Believe it.”  
“How long has it been?”

Mick sighed.

“Too long.”

You nodded, and he dropped your hands, reaching up and taking your face in his hands, staring into your eyes.

“I want you to listen to me.”

You nodded, not taking your eyes from his.

“I’m home now.”  
“You … what?”  
“I’m back here, right here, for good.”  
“Mick.”

He smiled, moving his thumbs along your cheeks.

“I’ve been away much too long. I’ll tell you all about it later, I promise. But I … god, Y/N. I have missed you.”

You closed your eyes as Mick pulled you closer, pressing his lips to your forehead. You reached over and grabbed his leg, digging your fingers in, and he stood up, pulling you close to him and holding you tightly. You put your face in his shoulder, closing your eyes and holding tightly to him, mind racing, but a calm somehow washing over you.

“Excuse me.”

You lifted your head, seeing Jo standing with her arms crossed over her chest, one eyebrow lifted. Charlie stood beside her, wiping smeared lip gloss from around her mouth. You smiled, giving Mick one last squeeze before you stepped back. He was smiling at you when you met his eyes, and you couldn’t help but smile back.

“Maybe you didn’t hear me. Who the fuck do you …”

Mick turned around and you watched as Jo’s eyes widened, mouth falling open before she squealed and took off running, leaping into Mick’s arms. He caught her easily and spun her around, laughing as he did.

“Oh, Joanna. I have missed you so.”  
“Well, crap.”

Charlie came to stand by you, sighing as she shook her head.

“With an accent like that, I’m history.”

You laughed, looping an arm around Charlie’s shoulders.

“Don’t worry, Red. She ain’t going nowhere.”

Charlie smiled and the two of you watched as Mick set Jo back on her feet. She shook her head, holding onto his arms.

“What the hell are you doing here?!”  
“I’m glad to see you too, darling.”  
“Well, of course I’m glad to see you. I just never thought it would happen again. I thought you said you’d never come back.”  
“I said no such thing.”

You snorted, and Mick glanced your way, narrowing his eyes before he smiled.

“Well, maybe I did, but it was in the heat of the moment and I didn’t mean it.”

You swallowed, blinking widely as a pain shot through your heart at his words. You reached out a hand and Charlie helped you to one of the barstools, shooting a glance back at Jo.

“I’m okay, Charlie. Thank you.”

She nodded, patting you on the head as you smiled up at her. Jo threw her arms around Mick’s neck.

“I’m so glad you’re back.”

She stepped back, holding onto his arms again.

“You  _are_  back, right?”  
“Yes, darling. I’m back.”

Jo squealed again, and Mick twirled her around until he could see you. Worry filled his eyes, noticed by a quiet redhead, and he waited until you lifted your eyes to look at him.

“I’m back for good.”

You swallowed, pushing a smile onto your face. Jo waved a hand and Charlie made a face until she left you to go and stand beside Jo.

“Charlie, this is Mick Davies. Mick … this is my Charlie.”

Mick took the hand Charlie offered, shaking it once before going still, meeting Jo’s eyes again.

“ _Your_  Charlie?”

Jo swallowed and nodded.

“My girlfriend.”

Mick smiled, letting out a laugh.

“Well, now. That is wonderful. Nice to meet you.”

Charlie nodded, both of you watching as Mick moved to hug Jo again. He whispered something to her that you couldn’t hear, but you saw Jo blink back tears as she nodded and tightened her grip on him. He let her go and moved to hug Charlie, who laughed and nodded at whatever he whispered to her. You smiled, leaning back against the bar when the door to the kitchen opened.

“Can someone let me know what the devil is all this racket out here? There are no customers and you’re being loud enough to wake the dead.”

Ellen stepped behind the bar and slapped a towel onto it. Jo grinned as she stepped forward.

“Mama, look!”

Ellen raised an eyebrow, eyes widening and mouth falling open when Mick stepped forward.

“Hello, Ellen.”

Ellen hurried around the bar, Mick meeting her just around the corner and capturing her in a hug. Jo walked over and wrapped her arms around you from behind, leaning to rest her chin on your shoulder.

“Did you know?”

You shook your head.

“I’m just as shocked as you are.”  
“What’s he doing here?”

You opened your mouth, closing it again when Ellen slapped the back of Mick’s head.

“Ow!”  
“What the hell is wrong with you? You leave here and I get nothing but radio silence. What, are you allergic to giving me peace of mind?”

You pressed your lips together to keep from laughing, and Mick rubbed a hand over the back of his head.

“I am sorry. I know I should have kept in touch, but I … I really have no excuse.”  
“Damn right you don’t.”

Ellen stepped forward and took him into her arms again, and you blinked back the tears that were threatening to fall. Ellen looked over Mick’s shoulder and met your eyes, giving you a soft smile. You couldn’t help but smile back at her, and she stepped away from Mick, laying a hand on his cheek.

“You hungry?”  
“For one of your burgers? Starving.”

Ellen smiled, nodding her head, patting Mick’s cheek before she disappeared back into the kitchen. Jo and Charlie subtly stepped away as Mick walked back to you, taking the seat beside you.

“I must say, that went much better than expected.”  
“They love you.”

He shrugged a shoulder, reaching out to tangle his fingers with yours.

“I didn’t exactly leave on the best terms.”  
“You didn’t leave on bad terms. You … you just left.”

Mick nodded, eyes cast down to your linked hands.

“I’m sorry for that.”  
“Mick—”  
“No, I … I need to apologize to you.”

You shook your head.

“You don’t.”  
“Y/N, I—“  
“I can’t, Mick. Not right now. I can’t …”

You squeezed your eyes shut, shaking your head. You felt him move closer, and his voice was low when he spoke.

“What happened to you?”  
“I can’t.”  
“You can tell me anything, darling. You have to know that, right?”

You shook your head, a tear dripping off your lashes and landing on his hand.

“Not this.”  
“Y/N.”

You shook your head, and he sighed, gathering you into his arms and holding on tightly.

“It doesn’t matter what it is. No matter how bad you think it is. It doesn’t matter to me, darling. I—”

He cleared his throat and you sighed.

“You may not say that when I get brave enough to tell you.”

Mick closed his eyes, then shook his head.

“Well, we shall see, won’t we?”

You sniffled, sitting back and looking up at him. He smiled at you, lifting a hand to brush the tears from your cheeks. He murmured almost to himself, but you heard him anyway.

“Absolutely beautiful.”

You rolled your eyes, sitting up and grabbing a napkin off the dispenser on the bar in front of you, wiping your face.

“Did something happen to your eyesight in London?”

Mick grinned.

“As a matter of fact … no.”

You gave a soft laugh, then moved to rest your elbow on the bar, propping your head on your hand.

“Tell me about it.”  
“What, London?”

You nodded, and Mick instinctively moved closer to you, where your knees were touching.

“It’s cold and rainy and incredibly dreary. I much prefer the view here.”  
“Oh, yeah. Fields of nothing sure are lovely.”

Mick threw his head back and laughed, reaching to take your free hand.

“God, I’ve missed you.”

You felt a tickle in your chest, just the slightest tinge of warmth where you’d been so cold and empty lately. You met his eyes and felt your breath catch before you smiled.

“I’ve missed you, too.”

* * *

 

You looked up from your place behind the bar to see Sam and Jess walk through the door. He glanced around, eyes narrowing and hands going to his hips when he saw Jo.

“What, Blondie? What was so important that we had to ‘ _come to the Roadhouse ASAP_?’”

Jo put her hands on her hips, mirroring him.

“If you’re going to have such an attitude about it, then just forget it.”  
“Oh, no. No, this better be good. It better be better than good. I left a  _Game of Thrones_  marathon for this.”  
“Please. You were napping on the couch while  _Games of Thrones_ played unwatched in the background.”

Jess glanced up from where she’d draped her jacket over a chair to see all eyes in the room on her. She shrugged her shoulders.

“I can’t get into it. All the incest and the death …”

She grimaced as she shivered, and you laughed. Sam stared at her with betrayal in his eyes, and she rolled her eyes when she looked back to him. She walked over to sit at the bar, shaking her head when you motioned at the beverages around you. Sam sighed, dragging his feet as he started towards the bar.

“Sam?”

He stopped, turning back at the sound of the unfamiliar voice. You watched with a smile on your face as Sam stared at the man with his brows furrowed, until suddenly, recognition lit up his features.

“Mick?”

Mick smiled, holding his arms out as he made his way to Sam. Sam laughed as they embraced, shaking his head as they broke apart.

“What the hell are you doing here?”  
“Christ, Sam. Have you grown  _more_?”

Sam shook his head again, a wide smile on his face.

“I don’t believe this. How have you been?”  
“Very well, thank you.”

Mick glanced towards the bar, holding your eyes as he spoke his next sentence.

“Better now.”

You swallowed, looking down at the bar. Jess leaned in closer to you as Mick and Sam walked to sit in a booth.

“Who’s the fox?”

Your cheeks flushed and Jess gasped as she leaned in closer.

“Spill!”

You let out a laugh and leaned over the bar, resting your forearms on it.

“His name is Mick Davies. He was … one of our friends back in the day. Back in that dark time before we knew you.”

Jess rolled her eyes, but smiled.

“That’s sweet of you, but I want juicier details. Why you blushing?”

You ducked your head, then sighed.

“Mick and I were …”

You bobbled your head as you searched for the word, and Jo walked up then, taking the seat beside Jess, pulling Charlie onto her lap.

“Y/N and Mick were totally gone for each other. Hot and heavy. I mean like … almost got married.”

Jess’ mouth fell open and you rolled your eyes.

“We didn’t almost get married. We were way too young and … dumb.”  
“Dumb enough to almost  _have_  to get married, if I remember correctly.”

Your cheeks flushed again, and you glanced at Jess, whose mouth was still hanging open. You shook your head.

“It turned out to be a false alarm, and anyway, everything went to shit afterwards.”  
“Hang on.”

Jess waved a hand, closing her eyes for a moment.

“You thought you were pregnant with this guy’s baby?”

She tossed her thumb over her shoulder and you sighed, pushing a hand through your hair and speaking slowly.

“I was young and dumb.”

Jo rolled her eyes, looping her arms around Charlie’s waist, resting her chin on Charlie’s shoulder.

“I honestly thought you and Mick would get married. Broke my heart when you guys broke up.”  
“Why did you break up?”

You looked to Jess and smiled.

“We wanted different things.”  
“Y/N—”  
“No, really. He wanted to go back to England, and I didn’t think I could leave the life I’d made here. We had long talks about it, fought about it, and in the end … he left.”

You shrugged your shoulders, glancing down at the bar. The pain you felt then was like the pain you felt now. You’d cried so hard once Mick had boarded the plane, not knowing he was doing the exact same thing in his seat. Dean had been there to help you through, and that was when you’d fallen in love with him.

“So he just left without saying goodbye?”

You blinked, glancing over at Jess. Jo let out a laugh.

“Oh, no. They had a  _long_  goodbye, if you know what I’m saying. Long and  _loud_.”  
“Joanna!”

You reached over the bar and smacked her shoulder, and Jo dissolved into giggles, which made Charlie giggle right with her. You felt your cheeks flush as you moved closer to Jess.

“I loved him very, very much. It killed me when he left, and I … I honestly never thought I’d see him again.”  
“Yet here he is.”

You lifted your eyes, immediately noticing Mick staring at you from across the room. He smiled, winking at you before he turned his attention back to whatever he and Sam were talking about. You blinked, taking in a breath and letting it out slowly.

“Here he is.”

* * *

 

Sam shook his head as he walked into the apartment, tossing his keys on the table by the door.

“I cannot believe Mick is back in town.”  
“Yeah, who is he again?”

Sam glanced back at Jess, who shook her shoulders and slid her jacket down her arms. He smiled, leaning against the doorframe as he watched her hang the jacket up.

“Y/N was taking a few classes at the community college and he was in one of classes. British Lit, maybe? I think—no, it was British Lit. Anyway, they got into this huge discussion over The Canterbury Tales that lasted for two days straight. He showed up at the door and they fought for like an hour at the tops of their lungs. Dean finally had to shut them up and break up the fight, and when he did … Mick just made himself at home. He fit in with them—us—seamlessly, and before anybody knew it, he was like family.”

Jess smiled, and Sam sighed.

“He doesn’t have any family of his own. He’s an orphan as far as he knows. Came here as an exchange student in high school, then stayed for college. He went back to England a few years ago and …”

Sam shrugged and Jess walked over to him, wrapping an arm around his waist as they walked to the kitchen. Sam went for the fridge and Jess sat at the table, propping her feet in the chair beside hers.

“Y/N said she loved him.”

Sam went still, nodding slowly as he turned back to face her. He smiled softly as he spoke.

“She did. And he loved her.”

Sam closed the fridge, moving to grip the back of a chair.

“They were perfect for each other, perfect together.”

He swallowed, pulling the chair out, turning it backwards and sitting down, resting his arms over the back.

“Jess … Mick is the only guy Dean has ever … had competition with when it comes to Y/N. I mean, yeah, she’s dated, but … she and Mick …”

Sam shook his head.

“It shocked everybody when he left. We all thought they were endgame.”  
“But I thought she’s always loved Dean.”

Sam nodded.

“I know. She has, but … I don’t know. She and Dean are too much alike, I think. But then, they’re not, you know? He’s a borderline alcoholic, she’s a bartender. She’s so sweet and he’s … well. You know.”

Jess laughed at that.

“But Mick … God, Jess. Mick and Y/N were like two puzzle pieces that just fit together. They didn’t even have to speak and they could have a full conversation.”

Sam swallowed, looking down at his hands.

“If he’s back, then … maybe Y/N and Dean can finally move on.”  
“He just got back to town, Sam.”  
“Yeah, and did you see him? He was staring at her all night. I was talking to him and he was looking at her. He still loves her.”

Jess shook her head.

“He’s been gone for years, Sam. They haven’t even spoken for  _years_ , and what? They’re just going to pick up where they left off?”

Sam sighed.

“It’s not that simple. Come on, Jessie. You’ve seen her. She’s been so sad lately.”

Jess pushed a hand through her hair.

“I just … I don’t want him to be a rebound for her. Especially if he meant so much to her before.”  
“I don’t think he could be.”

Sam shook his head.

“You didn’t see them before, Jess. They were …”

He stopped, a smile creeping over his face as he reached across the table.

“They were like me and you.”

Jess smiled, giving his hand a squeeze.

“That good, huh?”

Sam laughed, rubbing his thumb over the ring on her finger. He stood up and walked around the table, leaning over and kissing her lips. Jess lifted a hand to brush through his hair, pulling her legs out of the chair and standing up. Sam wrapped her in his arms and she put her arms around his neck. He leaned down, pressing his lips to her neck, and Jess smiled.

“Do you want to … hmm … finish _Game of Thrones_?”  
“I think I’ve got a better idea.”

Jess nodded, jumping when he prompted, wrapping her legs around his waist as he carried her down the hall.

* * *

 

When everyone was gone and you and Mick were alone in the bar, you finished the menial tasks that needed to be done, and he stood by the jukebox, flipping through the songs. He glanced over his shoulder when you walked around the bar and smiled when you made your way to him.

“See anything good?”

He shrugged his shoulders, then held out a hand. You slipped your palm against his and he gave it a tug.

“Show me a good one.”

You swallowed as you moved to stand beside him, pressing the button to look through the lists. Mick, however, couldn’t look anywhere but at you.

“Old or new?”  
“Hmm?”

You smiled as you kept looking.

“Do you want to hear an old one or a new one?”  
“New one.”  
“Want to go stereotypical country or something we can dance to?”  
“Do I look like someone who listens to country music on the regular?”

You laughed, turning to look at him, feeling your breath hitch in your throat. You swallowed, smiling as you nodded.

“I think I got one.”

Mick watched as you pressed a few buttons to override the charge, then to select a song. You smiled as the sound of slow strumming of a guitar began to fill the room. Mick looked to a spot on the floor, listening to the lyrics, closing his eyes.

_“Feeling my hands start shaking,  
Hearing your voice, I’m overjoyed.”_

He opened his eyes and you looked away, blinking back the sudden tears that came to your eyes.

_“Maybe you have your reasons,_  
_Maybe you’re scared you’ll be let down._  
 _Are you crying when there’s no one around?”_

You widened your eyes, not realizing exactly how appropriate this song was. Mick closed his eyes again through the chorus, and when the second verse started, he felt it in his soul.

_“That smile on your face like summer,_  
_The way that your hand keeps touching mine._  
 _Let me be the one to make it right.”_

He did just as the song said, stepping to you and taking you in his arms.

_“Maybe let me hold you, baby_  
_Let me come over._  
 _I will tell you secrets nobody knows._  
 _I cannot overstate it,_  
 _I will be overjoyed.”_

You put your forehead on his shoulder, slowly swaying with him as the music played. He tightened his hold on you as the song continued and the words hammered themselves into your hearts.

_“And if you want, we’ll share this life._  
_Oh, anytime you need a friend,_  
 _I’m gonna be by your side._  
 _When nobody understands you,_  
 _Well, I do.”_

You dug your hands into his back and he gripped you even tighter. The two of you stopped moving, just standing there and clinging to each other as the song tapered off. After what seemed like forever, you pulled back, shaking your head.

“I didn’t realize how … fitting that was.”

Mick nodded, turning away from you and sniffling. You blinked, walking to him and touching him on the shoulder. You gasped when he turned around suddenly, taking you into his arms again and holding you tightly. You smiled as you closed your eyes, wrapping one arm around his shoulders, letting the fingers of your other hand card through his hair.

Neither of you spoke, but you didn’t have to. You could feel Mick’s heart pounding against your own, keeping your eyes closed as familiarity wrapped the two of you in a cocoon.

“I’m sorry.”

You blinked your eyes open, shifting a bit, going still when Mick tightened his arms around you, but didn’t move. You shook your head.

“Mick?”  
“I’m just sorry.”

You smiled, wrapping both of your arms around him.

“You’re here now.”

He leaned back just enough for you to see his red-rimmed eyes. You smiled, moving one hand to lay it against his cheek. You shook your head as you looked into his eyes, feeling your breath catch in your throat.

Mick leaned in, gently pressing his lips to yours. Your eyes fluttered closed as you tentatively kissed him back, a few seconds before his lips backed away from yours. You blinked your eyes open, looking up at him, seeing a smile on his handsome face. He nodded, speaking softly.

“It’s late.”

You nodded, and he ducked his head, causing you to close your eyes again as his lips slowly pressed against your cheek. He let go of you and backed away, turning around and laying his hands on the bar. Your shaking fingers reached up to touch your lips, letting your hand fall before he turned back around and smiled at you.

“I’ll see you tomorrow.”  
“You’re going?”

Mick laughed softly as he nodded.

“I’ve got a hotel room downtown.”  
“You don’t have to … I mean, Ellen has a room you can stay in.”

He nodded.

“I know.”  
“You don’t have to spend the money on a hotel when you can stay here.”

He laughed again.

“It’s not a problem.”  
“Mick—”  
“Y/N.”

You went quiet, and he stepped closer to you, reaching to catch a piece of your hair between his fingers.

“I wouldn’t be able to get a wink of sleep knowing you’d be just down the hall from me.”

Your eyes widened, and he gave another quiet laugh.

“Don’t look so shocked, love.”  
“Mick …”  
“I’ll see you tomorrow?”

You nodded, and he leaned in to kiss your cheek again before he walked out of the bar. You stayed where you were, slowly backing up until your back hit the wall. You let your head fall backwards, wincing when it hit the wall with a little more force than you were anticipating.

“He left?”

You picked your head up, standing up straighter and rubbing the back of your head. Ellen smiled as she flipped the lights off in the kitchen and behind the bar. You locked the door, but stood there and looked out of it for a moment. You swallowed, turning back around.

“Ellen—”  
“He’s good for you, baby.”

You blinked, and she lifted her head, a smile on her face. You swallowed, then spoke again.

“He just got back.”  
“And he is as gone for you now as he was back then.”

You shook your head.

“A lot of time has passed.”  
“Is that supposed to mean something?”

She arched an eyebrow and you shook your head again.

“I’m not the same person I used to be.”  
“And he is? Did you get a good look at him?”

You just blinked, and she went on.

“He’s got a … confidence about him. He’s a man now, and he knows it.”  
“Ellen.”

She let out a laugh as your cheeks warmed. She walked over to you and laid her hands on your shoulders.

“I know what you’re thinking, what you’re feeling. I know how much he meant to you years ago. Who’s to say that can’t happen again?”  
“Doesn’t lightning never strike the same place twice?”  
“Who goes by those old tired sayings?”

You smiled.

“Y/N, you’ve been so sad lately. I don’t know the details, and I don’t need to, but whatever happened with Dean really messed you up.”

You slowly nodded.

“This could be what you need.”  
“I don’t want it to be a—a rebound or something.”  
“Then take it slow.”  
“It doesn’t feel slow. When I look at Mick, it’s like it used to be. All the old stuff …”  
“It’s still there.”

You groaned, stepping away from her.

“He  _just_  got back to town, and I’m … I’m already feeling the way I used to. There’s butterflies and … comfort.”  
“And that’s bad?”

You glanced over your shoulder.

“I don’t know.”

Ellen smiled as she walked to you, standing beside you and looping an arm over your shoulders.

“No one says you have to marry the man because you used to sleep with him.”  
“Ellen!”  
“I’m calling it like it is. Where do you think Jo got her bluntness from?”

You let out a laugh as you rolled your eyes.

“You don’t have to have any expectations. Just hang out with him. See if you’re just basking in nostalgia right now when the new wears off. You are an adult, Y/N. You can do whatever you want and the only person you have to answer to is yourself. Don’t feel guilty for wanting to see him or … you know. If you want to see if he still snores or whatever.”  
_“Ellen!”_

She laughed, stopping on the stairs and grabbing hold of the bannister. You couldn’t help but laugh with her, until tears came to your eyes. She lifted the hem of the flannel shirt she was wearing and wiped her eyes.

“Honey, I love you. And I just want to see you happy. If he makes you happy, then I’ll give him a job here if you want.”

You smiled, stepping forward and wrapping your arms around her.

“Thank you, Mama Ellen.”  
“You’re welcome, baby. Get some rest.”


	12. Delicate

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Keep this quote which inspired this chapter in mind while reading: 
> 
> "This ain't for the best--my reputation's never been worse, so he must like me for me." -Taylor Swift, "Delicate"

“Damn it.” 

Dean slid out from under the car, standing to his feet and huffing out a breath. He walked over and grabbed a red rag, trying to wipe some of the grease off his fingers.

“She giving you trouble?”

Dean huffed out a laugh, glancing over his shoulder.

“Is that why we always refer to cars as women? Because they’re nothing but trouble?”

Bobby Singer, closest thing Dean ever had to an uncle,  laughed, and Dean smiled. He shook his head.

“Carburetor’s shot. Radiator’s heading that same way. We might can get away with just replacing some of the wiring, but…”

Bobby nodded.

“I figured as much.”

Dean tossed the rag onto the top of the rolling tool box, amongst the tools scattered there. He shrugged his shoulders.

“I can work on it for a while. See what I can do.”

Bobby lifted his eyebrows, but nodded.

“Friend of mine’s bringing her cruiser in for an oil change.”   
“Yeah, I can grab it after lunch, if that’s okay.”   
“She didn’t have a time frame. That should be fine.”

Dean smiled as he walked into the garage, sighing as the cool air conditioning washed over him.

“This friend of yours … isn’t she the sheriff?”   
“Don’t start with me, boy.”

Dean laughed, going to a sink and washing his hands. Bobby walked in behind him, shaking his head as he crossed his arms over his chest. He watched Dean for a moment, waiting until Dean turned back and raised an eyebrow at him.

“What?”

Bobby shook his head.

“Come on. Let’s see what we can wrangle up for lunch.”

 

* * *

 

 

The sheriff’s cruiser was no problem for Dean to change the oil. It was almost mindless work, just something for him to do with his hands. The rest of the day went pretty much the same way, until Bobby decided it was time for them to close. When he did, they went inside and Dean went up to take a shower and wash the day’s grime away. After that, he came downstairs to help Bobby fix dinner, and once they’d eaten, he took a beer to Bobby’s back porch and sat on the steps, looking into the woods.

It was a routine that he’d settled into. One that he expected when he came to Sioux Falls, one he’d witnessed many times before in his life. Bobby was a creature of habit, something Dean took solace in, along with the fact that Bobby never locked his doors to a Winchester boy.

Bobby didn’t ask questions. He never did. He just walked onto the front porch when he heard the car drive up, eyebrows lifting towards the ever-present cap on his head when Dean climbed out and lumbered up the steps.

“Can I crash here for a while?”   
“You know you never have to ask, ya idjit.”

Bobby just wrapped him in a hug, ushering him inside and plying him with the good whiskey.

Dean didn’t offer to help in the salvage yard. He just showed up the next morning, grabbing a case of tools and getting started on one of the hundreds of junkers Bobby seemed to collect. He’d work all day, nose to the grindstone, and when the day was through, he’d come and sit on the back porch and watch the sun go down. He’d stare up at the stars, and then—and only then—would he let his mind wander.

It always went to the same place. Y/N. He knew he should feel bad for not thinking of Cassie, but he was all but certain they were done for, anyway.

Of course, the way he’d left things, he was all but certain Y/N would be done with him, too.

Dean lifted the beer to his lips and watched the sun sink lower through the trees. He heard the back door squeak open, then bang shut before he heard the footsteps slowly make their way towards him. After a few moments of silence, Bobby spoke.

“You ready to talk about it yet?”

Dean sighed.

“Not really.”   
“You been here almost three months, Dean. Not that I ain’t grateful. It’s not every day I get an extended visit from a Winchester.”

Dean winced.

“Yeah, sorry about that.”   
“Don’t be. You got a life you got to live.”

Dean stared down at the bottle in his hands.

“What if I’ve fucked that life up royally?”

Bobby walked over, giving a quiet groan as he sat on the steps beside Dean. He was quiet for a moment, and Dean continued to study the bottle he held. Dean swallowed when Bobby laid a hand on his arm, closing his eyes at the gruff words that left his mouth.

“You know what to do, son. You gotta fix it.”

Dean shook his head, voice hoarse when he managed to choke out the words.

“I don’t know how.”   
“Sure you do. Is it a woman?”

Dean just nodded, and Bobby gave a gruff chuckle.

“It’s always a woman.”

One side of Dean’s mouth quirked up before he gave a sigh.

“I said some … really shitty things, Bobby. I hurt her.”   
“Why?”   
“‘Cause I’m a fucking idiot.”

Bobby didn’t say anything and Dean sighed again, turning his beer up and draining it. He sucked his lips over his teeth after he swallowed, then spoke.

“I told her I loved her.”   
“Do you?”

Dean closed his eyes.

“Yeah, I do.”   
“She love you back?”

Dean couldn’t stop the smile.

“Yeah, she does.”   
“Then what’s the problem?”   
“I told her I didn’t mean it. That it was a mistake.”

Bobby smacked the back of Dean’s head and he jolted forward.

“Ow!”   
“You are a bonafide idjit. All you damn Winchesters, nothing but stubborn asses, I swear.”

Dean rubbed a hand over the back of his head and Bobby exhaled in a huff.

“Why would you do a thing like that? If you love her and she loves you, why would you fuck it up?”   
“Because that’s what I do!”

Dean stood up, bottle dangling from his fingertips.

“I know that if I let her get too close, sooner or later—most likely sooner—I’ll fuck it up somehow. And she’s so beautiful and so bright. I … I don’t want to dull that.”   
“So you’ll break her heart instead?”

Dean tossed out his arms.

“Better to do it now, right?”   
“God  _damn_ , son. You are your daddy made over.”

Dean blinked, shaking his head.

“I’m not.”   
“You are. John ran from a good thing more than once.”   
“He did the best—“   
“Yeah, yeah,  _‘he did the best he could.’_  Can you pretend for one minute I’m not a natural-born idjit and tell me the truth? I was  _there_ , Dean. I  _know_ what kind of man your daddy was.”

Dean swallowed, going still as Bobby stood up, groaning as his knees popped.

“John was a  _good_ man. Hard on you boys, but it made y’all better. And he loved your mama. But when she died, he made sure to punish himself for it and he wouldn’t let himself love again. Did he do the best he could? Maybe. But I sure think he could have done better.”

Dean blinked, staring at Bobby as he walked forward, putting his hands on Dean’s shoulders.

“Don’t be like him, Dean. Don’t let love pass you by because you’re afraid you might fuck something up. You’re going to fuck shit up. More than once. But if she’s as good as I think she is, she’ll love you anyway. That’s how Mary was with your daddy. How Karen was with me. Don’t get stuck talking in past tense like me, okay?”

Dean blinked again, and Bobby gave his shoulder a squeeze before he turned and walked away, calling over his shoulder as he walked up the steps.

“Call your brother. He was asking for you today.”

Dean gave a shaky breath, walking back to the steps and running a hand through his hair. He licked his lips, setting the beer bottle aside and pulling his phone from his pocket. He took in a deep breath, clicking buttons until the phone began to ring.

_“Hello?”_

Dean swallowed, pushing a smile onto his face.

“Hey, Sammy.”

Sam let out a rush of breath, and Dean heard some commotion before he spoke again.

_“What the hell, Dean? Where are you? Are you okay?”_    
“I’m at Bobby’s, and I know you know that.”

Sam sighed.

_“Yeah, I figured that’s where you’d go.”_    
“Putting those brains to good use, college boy.”   
 _“Don’t change the subject. Are you okay?”_    
“I’m fine, Sam. Just … needed to get away.”   
“ _Well, you picked a hell of a time to do it.”_    
“What?”

Sam sighed again.

_“Nothing.”_    
“No, what … what’s that supposed to mean?”   
 _“Dean … stuff has happened since you’ve been gone.”_    
“What kind of stuff?”   
 _“You need to call Y/N.”_

Dean let out a harsh laugh.

“I don’t think she’ll take my call, Sammy.”   
 _“Then you need to come home and talk to her.”_    
“Why? You’re making me nervous, Sam.”   
 _“Dean—“_

Dean’s heart thumped in his chest.

“She’s not pregnant, is she?”

Sam blew out his breath and Dean could hear the bitchface Sam was giving him.

_“No, asshole. She’s not pregnant.”_    
“Then what could—“   
 _“Dean, you’re going to lose her.”_

Dean went still, blinking a few times.

“What … what are you talking about?”   
 _“You need to get back here and apologize. Make things right. Before you don’t have the chance anymore.”_    
“Why wouldn’t I have a chance?”

Sam was quiet, and Dean stood up, pacing a bit as he spoke.

“Sam, why wouldn’t I have a chance with her?”   
 _“Because sometimes, old things become new again.”_    
“Stop with the Dalai-freakin-Yoda cryptic bullshit. What’s going on?”

Sam sighed.

_“Just come home already and make things right.”  
“_Sam. What is it? Is she okay?”   
 _“She’s fine, Dean. Better than fine.”_

Dean’s heart gave another thud in his chest.

“Why?”   
 _“I don’t want to tell you over the phone.”  
“_Why not?”   
 _“Because I’m afraid you won’t come back at all.”_

Dean stared out at the woods, the moonlight illuminating the trees.

“Tell me.”

Sam was quiet, but the words he finally spoke cut Dean like a knife.

_“Mick’s home.”_

Dean froze where he was, blinking, feeling his lungs inflate and deflate without any action on his behalf.

“M-Mick?”   
 _“And he’s still in love with her, just like he used to be. If not more.”_    
“What’s he … what’s he doing there?”   
 _“I haven’t found that out yet, but I think it’s safe to say he came back for her.”_

Dean swallowed, coughing as his throat was suddenly dry. He moved a hand to rub at his chest, shaking his head.

“I … Sam.”   
 _“I know, Dean. Come home.”  
“_I can’t compete with him.”

Sam blew out a breath.

_“Who says you have to? Just come and talk to her.”_    
“If she’s happy with him—“   
 _“If you start with that self-sacrificing bullshit, I swear to God, I will reach through this phone and beat the shit out of you.”_

Dean stared out over the salvage yard, and how he got there, he didn’t know.

_“Just get your ass home, alright? Hurry.”_

Sam hung up the phone and Dean stood there, just staring over the cars. He turned and walked back to the porch steps where he’d been sitting. He set the phone on the porch and picked up his beer bottle, throwing it at the tree closest to the porch, feeling his breath come quicker as he stared at the shattered glass still sprinkling down from the tree.

 

* * *

 

 

The next morning, Dean watched the sun come up from Bobby’s back porch. He hadn’t been able to sleep at all, so he’d finally given up and watched the stars twinkle before they went out. Bobby found him there, arms draped over his knees, and offered him a cup of coffee. Dean nodded his thanks, taking a sip of the warm, bitter liquid.

“You sleep any?”

Dean shook his head, staring into his coffee mug. Bobby took a sip from his mug, then spoke again.

“Talk to Sam?”

Dean nodded, lifting his head to stare out over the yard. Bobby was quiet and Dean licked his lips before he spoke.

“Had to be almost ten years ago, we met this guy from England. Mick Davies. He’s a good guy, and he … he loved Y/N.”

Bobby’s voice was soft when he spoke.

“She love him?”

Dean nodded, his lips quirking up in a half-smile.

“My only competition when it came to her.”   
“How long’ve you loved this girl, Dean?”   
“Long enough.”   
“Dean…”

Dean sighed, running a hand over his face.

“Pretty much since the first time I laid eyes on her.”   
“Are you kidding me?”

Dean shook his head and Bobby bent his knee, nudging Dean’s shoulder.

“I know, Bobby.”   
“You’ve loved this girl for almost a  _decade_ and you’ve never told her? Wait, I take that back. You have told her, but then you lied and said you didn’t.”

Bobby gave a harsh laugh.

“You’re giving John a run for his money and he ain’t even here to see it.”   
“I know, okay?”

Dean pushed himself into a standing position, shaking his head.

“I fucked up and now Mick’s back. He’s a good guy, nice and stable and she deserves something like that. She needs some guy she can count on, not … not me.”

Bobby pursed his lips, then nodded.

“Yeah, you’re right. Guess it’s time for you to just piss around and die now, huh?”

Dean turned back, eyes narrowed and a frown on his face.

“What?”

Bobby shrugged his shoulders.

“This guy’s better than you … probably prettier than you.”

Dean rolled his eyes and Bobby kept on.

“Only makes sense that you’d roll over like a damn dog and let him take whatever he wants.”   
“I’m not just rolling over—“   
“Well, you’re sure as hell not putting up a fight.”

Dean blinked, and Bobby sighed.

“Son, I get it. Girl’s got you messed up. But if you love her like you say you do, you’re going to have to fight for her.”   
“You don’t get it. Bobby, the things I said to her…”   
“I ain’t saying it’s going to come easy. It’s going to be a damn lot of work and you’re probably going to have to work double hard to make up for your Winchester side.”

Dean smiled and Bobby laid a hand on his shoulder.

“A love like you’re talkin’ about don’t come around often. And even if you fuck it up, it’s worth trying to make it right. Don’t let her go just ‘cause some English guy’s stepped in.”

Bobby gave Dean’s shoulder a pat, turning around and walking back in the house. Dean watched him go, then turned forward, letting his mind drift back.

_“Hey, you’re up early.”_

_Dean smiled as he walked into the kitchen, yawning as he made his way to the coffee pot._

_“It’s fresh. I made it about ten minutes ago.”_   
_“You’re a goddess.”_

_You smiled, turning the bacon you were frying. Dean walked up and peeked over your shoulder._

_“And you’re making bacon? Girl of my dreams.”_

_You laughed, then sighed._

_“I just figured it was time to get back on my bullshit.”_

_Dean stopped, licking his lips and watching your back._

_“How are you?”_   
_“Fine.”_   
_“Don’t give me that. Come on. Look at me.”_

_You did, and he sighed at the tears in your eyes. He set his mug aside and took you into his arms, and you shook your head, trying to hide the sob on a laugh._

_“I don’t know why I’m acting like this.”_   
_“I do.”_

_You laid your head on his shoulder and Dean gently rubbed your back._

_“You loved him, pretty girl.”_

_You shook your head._

_“I really thought he’d stay.”_   
_“I know.”_   
_“Will you do me a favor?”_   
_“Absolutely.”_

_You sniffed as you lifted your head, eyes boring into his green ones._

_“Don’t ever leave me, okay?”_

_Dean smiled, lifting a hand and thumbing away one of your tears from your cheek._

_“You don’t ever have to worry about that, pretty girl. You’re stuck with me.”_

_He leaned in and kissed your cheek, and you sighed as you laid your head on his shoulder again._

_“Babe?”_   
_“Yeah.”_   
_“The bacon’s burning.”_

_You gasped as you turned away from him, and Dean smiled as he stepped up behind you, kneading your shoulders._

_“To hell with Mick. Let this breakfast be the last time we speak of him.”_

_You nodded, then smiled as you glanced back at him._

_“Thanks, Dean.”_   
_“It’s what I’m here for.”_

Dean chewed on his bottom lip, then pulled his phone from his pocket. He tapped it against his hand for a moment, then dialed a number.

 

* * *

 

 

The phone was ringing when you walked back into the bar from the storage room. You set the box you were carrying down on the bar and brushed your hands together before grabbing the phone.

“Hello?”

Silence filled the line and you raised an eyebrow.

“Hello? Is anybody there?”

You could hear breathing, which caused the hair on the back of your neck to stand up.

“Come on, say something.”

The dial tone filled your ear and you pulled the phone away, staring at it before hanging it up. You shook your head, wrinkling your nose before you realized the strange sensation you were feeling was your cell phone vibrating in your pocket.

“Hello?”   
 _“Tell me you’re not busy and you fancy a chat.”_

You smiled, walking over and leaning over the bar.

“I would very much fancy a chat, sir.”

Mick laughed at the accent you put on.

_“Well, good. I’ve had the day from hell and it’s good to talk to you.”_    
“Oh, what happened?”

Mick sighed.

_“Nothing, really. I just haven’t had a moment to think until right now. And then, all I could think about was hearing your voice.”_

You swallowed, licking your lips.

“Really?”   
 _“Cross my heart. Now, tell me about your day.”_    
“Oh, I’ve been super busy, too. I slept until about 9:40, then I took a shower and watched one of those cooking shows on the Food Network. Then, I decided I better come check on the bar and I just grabbed a box out of the storage room and I’m going to unload it while I watch another cooking show.”   
 _“You are living your best life, aren’t you?”_

You giggled, and he sighed again.

“What time do you get off?”   
 _“Hopefully no later than six this evening. If it is later, I’m debating on quitting and letting someone else handle this shit.”_

You laughed.

“Don’t quit. It’ll all be worth it someday, right?”

Mick was quiet for a moment.

_“R-right. Do you work tonight?”  
“_I may could finagle a few things around.”   
 _“Have dinner with me?”_  
“Do you really have to ask?”

He chuckled.

_“I don’t want to overstep.”_

You swallowed, voice dropping lower.

“You’re not. Trust me.”

He made a soft humming noise, before speaking again, his voice pitched low like yours.

_“I miss you.”_

You felt your cheeks grow warm.

“I miss you too, Mick.”   
 _“I’ll see you soon.”_    
“Have a good rest of your day.”   
“ _I have a feeling things may have just picked up.”_

You hung up the phone and stood there, biting your lip and closing your eyes. After a few heartbeats, you opened your eyes again and tapped your phone against your hand before sliding it into your pocket.

 

* * *

 

 

As the bell over the door rang, you glanced up from behind the bar, a smile coming over your face when you saw him. Mick smiled as he made his way to one of the barstools, slipping his jacket off and draping it over the stool beside the one he sat down on. He sighed and you leaned over the bar.

“Can I get you something, kind sir? You look as though you’ve had a rough day.”

He reached out a hand for you, and you slid your hand into his.

“‘Rough’ doesn’t even begin to describe it, my darling. You know what I like.”

He lifted your hand to his lips, pressing a kiss just below your knuckles. You gave his hand a squeeze, taking your hand from his grasp and turning to fix his drink. You glanced up into the mirror, watching as he loosened the tie around his neck, and you swallowed. You turned back to him, setting the glass on a napkin in front of him.

“I’m sorry you had a bad day.”   
“Eh, it wasn’t all bad. Just busy. Monotonous, though.”

You smiled, reaching over and scratching your nails through his dark hair. He groaned and leaned towards you, and you laughed as you continued with your ministrations. He finally picked his head up, looking into your eyes.

“Where do you want to go tonight?”

You shrugged your shoulders.

“I’m up for an adventure.”   
“We could fly to Paris. Eat escargot atop the Eiffel Tower.”

You snorted.

“Not  _that_ much of an adventure. And I don’t think I like snails. Wait … nope. I know I don’t.”

Mick laughed.

“You’ve never tried them!”   
“There are some things you just  _know_.”

Mick shook his head, reaching out for you again.

“One day, I will convince you to try it.”   
“Atop the Eiffel Tower?”   
“If that’s what you want, yes.”

You felt a tickle in the pit of your stomach, but set your hand in his.

“I’ve never been to Paris.”   
“I’d hoped you hadn’t come all the way to Europe and didn’t even seek me out.”

You smiled, giving his hand a squeeze.

“Of course not. But I have been to Paris, Texas.”   
“Really now?”

You nodded, swallowing hard.

“Dean and I went there on our cross-country road trip.”   
“The one you took before we ever met?”

You smiled and nodded.

“There’s an Eiffel Tower there. It’s got a big ol’ cowboy hat on top of it.”

Mick laughed.

“Maybe you can take me to see it one day.”

You gave a soft laugh, shaking your head.

“You got big plans for the future.”   
“What can I say? I’ve got big hopes.”

You looked down at the bar and Mick leaned forward.

“What is it?”

You looked back to him, shaking your head and making yourself smile.

“Nothing. Let me grab Jo and we can get out of here.”   
“Y/N, wait.”

You pushed open the door to the kitchen and walked inside, putting your face in your hands. Ash turned back from the flat-top and after a moment, you met his worried gaze. You shook your head.

“Have you seen Jo?”

He pointed towards the back door and you walked that way, smoothing your hands over the small apron tied around your waist. You pushed open the door and found Jo on the other side, hand lifted towards the door. She yelped as she jumped back and you laughed, lifting an eyebrow as you set your hands on your hips.

“Are you sexting Charlie?”

Jo rolled her eyes, putting her hands on her hips.

“What’s it to you?”

You gave a soft laugh, then stepped away from the door, letting out a long breath. Jo watched you, then crossed her arms over her chest at the slight chill in the air.

“You okay?”

You nodded, looking at your feet as you slowly walked in the dirt patch. Jo raised one eyebrow.

“Liar.”

You lifted your head, and she raised both of her eyebrows.

“What’s up?”

You exhaled, shaking your head.

“I really don’t know. Mick’s here and we’re going to dinner, but …”   
“But what?”

You shook your head and Jo sighed, dropping her hands as she walked to you. She took hold of your elbows and gave you a gentle shake.

“You’ve got to stop waiting for the other shoe to drop.”   
“I’m not—“   
“Yes, you are. You’re still punishing yourself for everything with Dean and you’re holding back from … whatever this might be with Mick.”

You blinked and Jo tilted her head to the side.

“Tell me I’m wrong.”

You blinked again and Jo sighed.

“Honey, this … you’ve got to stop. Stop holding your breath and just live.”

Tears came to your eyes and Jo gave you a smile as she took you into her arms. You spoke softly as you leaned your head against hers.

“When did you get to be so wise?”   
“It’s all the sex I’ve been having lately.”

You laughed, moving your arms around her and holding her tightly. You sighed, closing your eyes.

“I just don’t want to mess this up.”   
“I know. But having that mindset is a guaranteed way to mess things up. Stop trying to be perfect and just … be.”   
“I haven’t even told him everything.”   
“Why not?”

You shrugged, stepping out of Jo’s hold and dabbing your fingers under your eyes.

“Because I don’t want him to look at me the way everyone else does, maybe?”   
“I think you’re good on that aspect. It would be pretty hard to knock those stars out of his eyes.”

You rolled your eyes and Jo snorted as she pointed at you.

“Don’t even try and play it off. He is so gone for you and you know it just as well as I do.”   
“He doesn’t even know me. He knows the me I was nearly a decade ago.”   
“So let him get to know you now.”

You looked to Jo and she shrugged her shoulders.

“What would it hurt?”   
“Oh, I don’t know, maybe when he leaves again?”

Jo closed her eyes, speaking softly while her eyes were closed.

“Why are you so sure he’s going to leave?”

You blew out a breath.

“Because that seems to be my track record here lately.”

Jo sighed, walking over to you.

“Look at me.”

You did, and she gave you a smile.

“Things are different this time. Don’t you think so?”

You nodded, and she took your hands again.

“I don’t know what he’s doing here, but I can almost guarantee you that I know the reason why.”   
“Why he’s here?”

She nodded.

“Why?”   
“For you.”   
“Jo, come on.”   
“I’m serious!”

You broke away from her and she immediately put her hands on her hips.

“Do you have a better reason?”   
“It’s for work. He told us that’s he’s here on business.”   
“And he couldn’t do that ‘business’ anywhere else in the world? It had to be done here in Bumfuck, Nowhere? Surely you’re not that dumb.”   
“Jo…”

You looked back to her and she raised her eyebrows. You shook your head and she rolled her eyes.

“He’s here for you. And there’s no rule that says the two of you have to fall back into being together now just because you used to date. Get to know him.”   
“I do know him.”   
“No, you know the him of ten years ago. You keep saying he doesn’t know you now. Well, you don’t know him either. Date him like you’ve been doing. Get to know him again.”

You nodded, blinking as you sighed. Jo walked up to you and put her hands on your arms.

“Start with dinner tonight. Talk to him. You don’t have to drop any bombshells or give any huge revelations. Just talk.”

You nodded again, and she kissed your cheek before she started walking back to the bar.

“And text Jess, would you? She’s driving me crazy.”

You smiled, letting out a breath, pressing a hand just under your heart before turning and walking back into the bar.

 

* * *

 

 

“There is honestly nothing like a good American burger.” 

You rolled your eyes, a soft smile on your face.

“And you don’t have burgers in England?”   
“Of course we do. It’s just not the same. Here, the burgers taste like …”   
“Freedom?”

Mick laughed, meeting your eyes across the table and shaking his head.

“I missed that.”   
“What?”   
“How funny you can be. Just out of the clear blue, you say something hilarious that catches me off-guard.”

You took a bite of your French fries.

“Well, thank you.”   
“Anytime, love.”

Mick gently knocked his foot against yours and you ran the toe of your shoe along his ankle. He met your eyes, and you could swear you saw the stars Jo had mentioned. You licked your lips, then spoke softly.

“Tell me something.”   
“What?”   
“Anything. It’s been a long time since we got to sit down and have a meal like this.”   
“We had lunch yesterday.”   
“That’s not what I mean.”

Mick smiled, using a napkin to wipe his mouth.

“What do you want to know, darling?”   
“Everything.”

Mick smiled as he held your gaze for a moment, laying the napkin aside as he spoke.

“Well, I started my own company.”

Your eyes widened as he went on.

“Worked my ass off for it. Made some great business decisions, some not so great. But it’s all paid off in the end.”   
“What kind of company is it?”

Mick shook his head.

“No, I want to keep having conversation, not put you to sleep.”

You laughed, and he smiled.

“Tell me about you.”

You sighed.

“Not much to tell. I work at the bar, live above it. Thought about leaving, but I can never bring myself to do it.”   
“You’ve built a family here.”

You smiled, thinking about Jo and Ellen, Jess and Sam. Your heart gave a throb when you thought of Dean and you gave a slight shake of your head, meeting Mick’s eyes again.

“Yeah, I have.”

Mick nodded, licking his lips before glancing at the table and speaking in a soft voice.

“Think you’ve got room for one more?”

You blinked, staring at his dark hair before he lifted his head. You reached your hand across the table and he laced his fingers through yours. You looked down at your hands, then met his eyes again, voice barely a whisper, but the words brought a bright smile to his face.

“I think we can make room.”

 

* * *

 

 

“So … how’s it going?” **  
**

You smiled as Jess sat down across from you. She had called and demanded you meet her for lunch in between her classes and before your shift at the bar, and you were more than happy to oblige her. She pushed her menu aside and leaned over the table, the smile on her face sparkling almost as brightly as the ring on her finger. You couldn’t help but laugh as you nodded.

“It’s good. It’s all very … very good.”

She gave a soft squeal and you laughed again.

“Details, boo. Give me details!”   
“There’s nothing juicy.”   
“I haven’t seen you for nearly two weeks, and there’s  _nothing_ juicy to tell me?”

Your cheeks went red and Jess sucked in a breath.

“You little liar. Tell me!”

You covered your face with your hands, then pushed a hand through your hair.

“You’re blowing it out of proportion. Really. There’s nothing juicy to tell, other than Mick and I have been hanging out a lot.”   
“‘A lot.’ Ha. I had to practically beg you for a text back for fourteen days, missy.”

You sighed.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to ignore you, I just … I don’t know.”   
“What?”

You sighed, leaning back in your seat.

“It’s just … it’s different with him. But then, it’s really not. Does that make any sense?”

Jess pursed her lips.

“Kind of. I mean, I felt like I’d known Sam for ages when we first met. It was so easy to talk to him and I felt like he really got me.”   
“Yes! That’s how it is with Mick. I mean, it was incredible a long time ago, but with him now … it’s different, but a good different.”

Jess nodded, a smile on her face.

“So you  _have_ been able to talk to him without trying to rip his clothes off?”

You raised an eyebrow and she narrowed her eyes at you, the smile still on her face.

“I heard about the popped buttons.”   
“How did you—“   
“I have my sources.”

You rolled your eyes.

“Jo’s got a big mouth.”

Jess laughed as you crossed your arms over your chest. Your cheeks warmed and you shook your head.

“That was an accident.”   
“Oh, sure. I mean, I’ve seen the guy. I’d ‘accidentally’ try to tear his shirt off, too.”   
“Jessica!”

She laughed, and you couldn’t hide your smile.

“We try very hard to just talk and catch up, but there’s this …”   
“Sexual tension?”   
“Like you wouldn’t believe.”

Jess squealed through her teeth, ducking her head when the tables around you looked your way. You and Jess started laughing, pausing only to order your food when the waiter came to your table. Once your drinks had been delivered, Jess twirled her straw through her water and looked at you from under her lashes.

“Why don’t you … break said tension?”

You purposefully didn’t take your eyes from your own glass as she went on.

“I mean … it’s not like it would be the first time. You’ve slept with him before.”   
“Not like this.”

Jess raised an eyebrow and you sighed.

“We’ve always been comfortable with each other. That hasn’t changed. I feel safe with him, just like I always have. But …”

You sighed.

“When he left, he was … I mean, skin and bones. The bastard could eat whatever he wanted and never gain a pound. I hated him for it.”   
“He sounds a lot like Sam.”

Jess rolled her eyes and you smiled, biting your lip before you went on.

“But now, he’s … solid.”

Jess sputtered the sip of water she’d just taken, grabbing napkins and dabbing at her mouth. You tried not to laugh, but it was a losing fight. Jess shook her head as she narrowed her eyes at you.

“Don’t do that when I’m trying to take a drink!”

You giggled some more and she set her napkins down in a ball.

“So let me see if I’m getting this. You’ve got crazy sexual tension with the guy you almost married like a decade ago, but you don’t want to give into it because … what, he’s  _thick_ now?”   
“Well, it sounds stupid when you put like that.”   
“It sounds stupid anyway. Why?”

You lifted your eyes to hers.

“Why what?”   
“Why are you making it sound stupid?”   
“I’m not.”   
“We’ve already established you’re a liar.”

You rolled your eyes, a smile on your lips. The waiter brought your food to the table and the two of you started to eat. Jess, however, had never been known to leave well enough alone.

“So answer my question.”   
“Which one?”

Jess closed one eye and you smiled as you took another bite.

“Mick has been in town for nearly three months now and I’ve seen you a total of like three days. When I do see you, Mick is all over you and vice versa. You’re telling me the tension is through the roof, but you haven’t slept with him because …?”   
“We’re trying to take it slow.”   
“Honey. We’re going on month three here. You’ve all but bought a house in Slow.”   
It’s different—”   
“Yeah. See, you say that, but it’s really not. It’s just like old times, says you and Sam and Jo and Ellen and I could go on, but I won’t.”

You blew out a breath, dropping your fork onto your plate.

“He’s gorgeous, alright? He’s always been gorgeous, but now he’s a gorgeous man. A  _man_ , Jessie. He’s built and confident and handsome and I go weak in the knees whenever I see him, and then I remember that I’m … me.”

Jess was quiet, until her eyes widened.

“Are you shitting me right now?”

The tables around you turned to look at you again and you reached over and slapped Jess’ arm. She shook her head as she leaned down, whispering her next words.

“Are you trying to tell me that you’ve been taking it at a snail’s pace because you don’t think you look as good as he does?”   
“I can’t tell you the last time I worked out. But I sure as hell can tell you the last thing I ate.”

You pushed your plate away and huffed out a breath. Jess blinked, then shook her head.

“You … seriously?”

You crossed your arms over your chest, glancing out the window. Jess shook her head again.

“You haven’t taken the next logical step because you’re self-conscious?”   
“Just drop it.”   
“No, I … Y/N. Have you seen the way Mick looks at you?”

You stubbornly continued to stare out the window, and Jess smiled as she sat back in her seat.

“He watches you the way I catch Sam looking at me when he thinks I don’t see him. The way that makes my stomach drop and my head all dizzy.”

You blinked, shifting your eyes as she continued to talk.

“He adores you. I’ve heard him when we’re at the bar. When you come towards us or walk away, he … almost gasps. It’s like he can’t breathe when he sees you. He always rubs at his chest like there’s an ache there. Y/N.”

She reached a hand across the table and you turned to face her, unlooping your arms and laying a hand in hers. She smiled at you, giving your hand a squeeze.

“He loves you. He is head-over-heels  _gone_ for you, and I guarantee you that he could not give two shits what you think you look like. You’re everything he’s ever wanted.”

Tears sparkled in your eyes when she finished speaking. You shook your head, taking your hand from hers.

“I don’t deserve that.”   
“Y/N.”   
“I don’t. I haven’t … I haven’t even told him about Dean. That is a huge part of the last few years of my life and I can’t even tell him.”   
“Why not?”

You sniffled.

“Because I’m ashamed of it.”

Jess tilted her head as her brows furrowed. You shook your head and pushed a hand through your hair.

“And how am I supposed to be so in love with Dean and not even be able to speak his name around Mick? When did I get caught in the middle of this love triangle?”   
“What are you ashamed of?”

You sighed.

“Everything. How I fell in love with my best friend and set fire to everything we ever shared. How I slept with a guy in a committed relationship and set fire to my reputation. How I deserve everything Cassie wants to dish out, and let me tell you, she can dish out some shit.”

Jess clenched her jaw at the mention of Cassie’s name. She took in a breath, then let it out slowly.

“First of all, you  _don’t_ deserve the punishment you think you do. You didn’t do it all by your lonesome. It takes two to tango, on the dance floor or horizontally.”

Your eyes widened, and a laugh bubbled from your lips before you could help it. Jess smiled, then went serious again.

“I mean it. Cassie’s all for lambasting you any way she can, but you don’t deserve it. Especially not since Dean isn’t around to take his fair share of it.”

You smiled, reaching across the table again. Jess put her hand in yours and you sighed.

“Thank you for always taking my side.”   
“You’re my best friend. My maid of honor. I’m always on your side.”

She sighed, giving your hand a squeeze.

“But maybe you should bite the bullet and tell him.”

You nodded.

“I know. But I … I’ve thought about it. I’ve geared myself up for it. And then when I see him, I just …”

You sighed.

“I don’t know. I guess …”

You licked your lips, looking back to her.

“I have seen the way he looks at me. And I don’t want that to stop. I don’t want to make him see what I see and dull the shine in his eyes.”   
“Honey.”

You took your hand from hers, lifting your fingers to brush away the tears that were suddenly in your eyes.

“I will come across this table.”

You gave a watery laugh, and Jess stood up from her seat, walking over to sit beside you and looping an arm over your shoulders. You gave a shaky sigh and leaned your head on her shoulder.

“If he feels the way I think he feels, you won’t dull the shine in his eyes. He loves you, and whatever you do won’t make that go away.”   
“But what if it does?”   
“Then he’s a lowlife piece of shit that doesn’t deserve to breathe the same air as you.”

You gave a shaky laugh and Jess brushed a hand over your hair.

“But give him the benefit of the doubt.”

You nodded, giving a shaky sigh. After a moment, Jess spoke again.

“Can I go back to my seat?”   
“No, cuddle me a little while longer.”   
“Okay. But I think people are staring.”   
“Let them stare. Hey, maybe we can talk Sam into letting us be sister wives. Or! What if I spoke up at your wedding whenever the preacher asks for the ‘speak now or forever hold your peace’ part?”   
“And what the hell would you say?”   
“That Sam could never love you as much as I do. Imagine the scandal.”

Jess laughed, which made you laugh, lightening the heavy moments you’d walked into. Jess shook her head, standing up and going back to her seat.

“Now don’t get me wrong. I love you with all my heart.”

Jess glanced around, then leaned forward and whispered across the table.

“But this girl’s got to get that D every so often.”   
 _“Jessica!”_

She dissolved into giggles as the waiter came back to your table.

 

* * *

 

 

You were working the afternoon shift at the bar, so that you could have the night off to go out with Mick. You’d decided that Jess was right; it was time to tell him everything. You’d had butterflies in your stomach all day, unable to eat due to the nerves that were almost driving you insane. 

“Where are you?”   
“Hmm?”

You glanced over to see Jo staring at you with an eyebrow raised.

“What?”

Jo pursed her lips.

“You’ve been out of sorts all day. What’s up? Are you pregnant?”   
“What?! No!”

She crossed her arms over her chest.

“You might be here, but your mind is all over the map. What’s weighing on you?”

You huffed out a breath and she stepped towards you.

“Are you sure you’re not pregnant?”

You rolled your eyes.

“I’m sure.”   
“How sure?”   
“I just started a new pack of pills because I finished my period last week. Happy?”

Jo made a face and you rolled your eyes again.

“Plus, you have to have sex to get pregnant, and that’s not an issue for me.”   
“Whoa, whoa, whoa. Throw it in reverse for a second. What now?”

You met her eyes.

“What?”   
“You and Mick haven’t …?”

She made a motion with her head and you couldn’t stop the smile.

“Haven’t what, Joanna?”   
“What I know about sex with a dude is what we learned in high school A&P, so unless you want me to get technical…”

You laughed.

“No, we haven’t. And why does that shock everyone? Am I … more hoe-like than I thought?”

Jo laughed.

“No! Honey, you are the least hoe-like of all the girls I know. And I—“   
“Know a lot of girls, I know.”

Jo narrowed her eyes at you and you giggled. Jo rolled her eyes, then sighed.

“You and Mick were so close back then. I guess we’re just … surprised you haven’t picked up where you left off.”

She shrugged her shoulders and you sighed.

“It’s different this time.”   
“So you keep shoving down our throats.”

You narrowed your eyes at her.

“Do you give Jess weekly updates or something?”   
“Or something.”

You rolled your eyes again, then lifted your shoulders as you took in a breath, letting them drop when you exhaled.

“I … I don’t know.”   
“Want to know what I think?”   
“If I say no, are you going to tell me anyway?”

You yelped and dissolved into giggles when Jo smacked her hand hard against your ass. When the two of you had calmed down, she sighed, then hopped up to sit on the bar.

“I think you’re scared.”

You met her dark eyes and shook your head.

“Scared of what?”   
“Letting him get too close. Of him leaving you again. Of Dean coming back and deciding he wants to be with you and you having to break one of their hearts.”

Your heart flip-flopped in your chest and Jo gave you a gentle smile.

“You can’t live your life scared, Y/N. Trust me. I know.”

You stared into her eyes for a moment and she shrugged her shoulders. You swallowed and spoke softly.

“I haven’t told him about Dean.”   
“Why not?”   
“I don’t want to.”

Jo tilted her head and you sighed.

“I’m ashamed of it. Not all of it, just the … accessory to the adultery part.”   
“Okay, one, it wasn’t adultery. He’s not married to that whore.”

You snorted and she went on.

“Two, it was a mistake. You think Mick hasn’t made mistakes in the years he’s been gone?”   
“I don’t want to hear about them. Especially if they involve him sleeping with someone else.”   
“Y/N. You don’t think he’s been celibate all these years, do you?”

You glanced down at the bar and Jo tapped her fingers on it.

“Fuck that double standard. You can’t expect him to imagine you as the virgin princess up in her tower, pining away and waiting for him to come and rescue her. You’re human, just like he is. Talk to him. Give him more credit than that.”

You pushed a lock of hair behind your ears, letting out a sigh. Jo hopped off of the bar and walked to stand in front of you.

“We’ve all got ugly stuff we don’t want anyone to know about. The thing is, keeping it locked up inside doesn’t do anything but mess  _you_ up. Laying it out in the open takes a huge weight off. Whether it ends up the way you want it to or not.”

She tapped a finger to the end of your nose and you blinked, ducking your head and making her laugh. She whistled as she walked into the kitchen and you narrowed your eyes in her direction.

“When did she become my Jiminy Cricket? What the hell is this world coming to?”   
 _“I heard that!”_

You giggled and turned towards the door as the bell above it jingled when the door opened. Your face broke into a smile when you saw Mick, that smile quickly evaporating when you saw the woman following close behind him.

_Cassie._

Mick led her to a booth and you turned to face the bottles on the wall. Your heart was pounding in your ears, an ache spreading through your chest. You lifted your head and let out a shaky sigh, then stepped around the bar, putting your hands in your apron to keep hidden how badly they were shaking. You made your way to the booth and Mick’s face lit up when he saw you.

“Hello, love. This is—“   
“We’ve met.”

There was no warmth in Cassie’s voice, and one of Mick’s eyebrows lifted. He blinked, then smiled at you again.

“Cassie, what would you like to drink?”

She didn’t bother to look at you as she ordered.

“I’ll have a rum and Diet Coke with light ice.”

You nodded and Mick leaned close to you.

“Your dirtiest martini, as filthy as you can make it.”

You smiled, it quickly disappearing and your cheeks flushing as Cassie snorted.

“She’s good at that.”

Mick’s eyebrows furrowed.

“I beg your pardon?”

Cassie lifted her eyes to you then.

“Dirty, filthy things. Right, Y/N?”   
“Cassie, please.”

She blinked her long lashes at you, a look of feigned innocence on her face.

“Please what? Oh, do you not want him to know?”   
“Know what?”

You shook your head at Mick, lips trembling as you opened your mouth, only to close it and your eyes when Cassie spoke again.

“That she’s known in these parts for sleeping with other girls’ boyfriends. Mine, in particular.”

You opened your eyes again and met Mick’s confused gaze. You shook your head, tears welling up in your eyes as you turned away, blurring your vision. You tried to blink them away as you made your way to the bar, grasping hold of it, stumbling behind it and going into the kitchen.

Ash turned from the flat-top concern filling his eyes. Jo leaned around the corner, eyes widening when she saw you.

“What? What happened?”

You shook your head, giving a gasping sob as the tears fell from your eyes. Jo hurried over and grabbed your arms and you shook your head as you cried.

“Come on, honey. Talk to me. Breathe, Y/N.”

You shook your head again, finally lifting it and meeting Jo’s eyes.

“Cassie.”

Jo’s face fell.

“What about her?”   
“Mick.”   
“Cassie and Mick? What?”

Jo shook her head.

“You’re not making any sense.”

Ash cleared his throat, speaking from his place at the window that looks out into the bar.

“Seems like Mr. Davies is escorting Miss Robinson out the front door.”   
 _“What the fuck?!”_

Jo dropped your arms and went to the window, pushing Ash out of the way and going up on her tiptoes. Ash sighed and lifted her by her hips, giving her a better view.

“What in the holy hell are they doing together?”

You shook your head, sniffling.

“She told him.”   
“She  _what_?”

You nodded, stepping backwards until you were leaning against the cabinets. Ash set Jo back on her feet and she walked to you.

“Tell me you’re kidding.”

You shook your head, tears dripping down to the floor and Jo pushed her hands through her hair.

“Why are they together?”   
“Why not?”   
“Y/N. Come on.”

You sniffled, looking down at your hands as you shrugged your shoulders. Jo watched you, then widened her eyes.

“Oh my god. Do you think you  _deserve_ this?”   
“Why not?”

Jo gave an incredulous laugh and you shook your head as you sniffled. Ash gave a whistle and the three of you turned to look as the kitchen door swung open.

Mick stepped inside the kitchen and slid his suit jacket off his shoulders, hanging it from one of the apron hooks on the wall. He took his time untying his tie, loosening it from around his neck and looping it around his hand, then slipping it into the pocket of his jacket. He lifted his stubbled chin and unbuttoned the first few buttons of his shirt, shaking his head and yawning before moving to unbutton his cufflinks and roll up his sleeves almost to his elbows.

He slid his hands into the pockets of his pants, moving to stand across the room from you, leaning against the cabinets there. Jo and Ash slowly stepped into the background, close enough that they could still hear, while trying to make themselves look busy. Mick held your gaze for a while, then lifted his chin.

“You want to tell me what that was about?”   
“Not really.”

He nodded, shrugging his wide shoulders.

“Tell me anyway.”

You sighed, looking down at your hands.

“I messed up. I did something I shouldn’t have and it was a huge mistake and I’m an awful person and—“   
“Whoa, whoa. Hey.”

He stepped forward, gently touching your arm and you flinched away from him. You sniffled and shook your head, looking up and letting out a laugh.

“ _Don’t_. I can’t … I won’t make it through this if you touch me.”

Jo made a quiet, wounded noise from her spot in the shadows and Mick swallowed. He stepped back, holding his hands up before putting them back in his pockets. You turned your back to him and laid your hands on the counter. Ash motioned to Mick, who nodded, and Ash and Jo made their way out the back of the kitchen. You closed your eyes and took in a breath, blowing it out slowly. You did it again, until you lifted your head and stared at the wall.

“After you left … I don’t know how it happened. I think it’s always been there. Started as a high school crush, definitely, then grew into something more.”

You sighed.

“I fell … or else I’ve just always been in love with Dean. I tried to ignore it as best I could. He had various girlfriends. I had you. When you left … I guess it got shifted to the forefront again.”

You shook your head and took in another breath.

“It was almost a year ago when he told me that they wanted to move in together. Dean and Cassie. And that would mean that in our apartment, it would be Sam and Jess, Dean and Cassie, and me. So instead of getting voted off the island, I left.”

You closed your eyes.

“It all went to shit then. Dean … I don’t know. Maybe he thought he loved me? But he said he didn’t. He didn’t love me, but he wouldn’t let me go. I tried to date, but it fell apart. We were all miserable.”

You shook your head, trying your best to fight back the tears that were threatening.

“I thought we’d finally ended it. He said that I meant nothing to him, and I was done. But then they … god, it sounds so stupid now.”

You let out a laugh, shaking your head. You sniffled again, straightening your shoulders.

“They played ‘Tiny Dancer’ at Sam and Jess’ engagement party. I’d always thought of that as mine and Dean’s song. I saw him dancing with Cassie and … I lost it.”

You shook your head, crossing your arms over your stomach.

“I went outside and Dean followed and … god. I’ve never understood people who say ‘it just happened,’ but it did.”

You turned then, the tears spilling over when you saw the sympathy in Mick’s clear green eyes.

“I slept with him. In his car, while the party was happening in here. And when we … After we … he said it was a mistake. The worst mistake.”

You shook your head, taking a step back as Mick stepped towards you.

“Cassie found out somehow and humiliated me here in front of almost the entire town. Everyone knows. Dean’s gone, but I’ve got to wear a scarlet A on my chest for the rest of my life. It doesn’t matter how often I say it, or what I do. None of it it matters. I’m so sorry for it, but I can’t take it back. I can’t change it, no matter what I do.”

Tears were pouring down your face, the babbled words leaving your lips with you barely understanding them. You sucked in a breath when your back hit the wall and you shook your head, gasping when Mick stopped in front of you and took your wet face between his warm hands. His eyes met yours and he pursed his lips, gently blowing on your face until you sucked in another breath.

“Breathe.”

You closed your eyes and shook your head, dropping it as best you could with it still in Mick’s hold. You gave a pitiful sob, but Mick didn’t move. You blinked your eyes open, taking in a breath at the sight of tears in Mick’s eyes. You shook your head and he gave a shaky sigh, moving one hand to brush your hair away from your face.

“I am so sorry you had to go through that. It’s not right. You shouldn’t be … persecuted like this.”   
“I messed up.”   
“Maybe so. But you didn’t do it alone.”

You sniffed, shaking your head again.

“Dean left.”   
“Where’s he gone?”

You shrugged your shoulders. Mick gave a sigh, letting go of your face, only to take you into his arms. You shook your head, trying to push him away, but he held you tightly.

“I’ve told you once already, and I’ll keep saying it until you hear me. It doesn’t matter to me. It doesn’t matter how bad you think it is. There is nothing—not one single thing on God’s green Earth—that you could do that would make me …”

His voice trailed off, and you blinked open your eyes when he whispered into your ear, voice thick with emotion.

“Nothing you could ever do would make me stop loving you.”

You sobbed at that, shaking your head, clinging to him before finally breaking free of his hold.

“I don’t deserve it.”   
“What?”

You laid your hands on the counter, closing your eyes and letting out a shaking breath. You lifted your head when Mick all but spit out the words.

“Are you fucking kidding me?”

You turned and met his gaze, saw the fire in his eyes. He shook his head, pointing a finger at nothing.

“You deserve  _everything_.”

You shook your head.

“I’m not who you think I am.”   
“You’re right.”

You blinked, and he shook his head.

“Who you are is more than I could ever imagine.”   
“You don’t know me! You’re … it’s a fairytale! The—the girl you think you remember. Not the woman I am.”   
“So, what? You’re not even going to give me a chance to get to know that woman?”   
“I don’t want to!”   
“Why?”   
“Because you deserve better than me!”

Mick gave a yell that made you stop in your tracks. He turned to you, hair messed up from his hands raking through it, eyes flashing the anger he couldn’t hold back.

“There is nothing better than you.”

You opened your mouth, closing it quickly as your back hit the wall, cushioned by his arm wrapping around you. He was holding you close even as he pushed you against the wall, lips finding yours in an all-out frenzy. Your hands slid into his hair of their own accord, and he moaned as his hands fixed on your hips, sliding under the hem of your shorts, fingers flexing on your thighs.

“Mick.”   
“Shh.”

His lips never left yours, and his hands slid to your ass, grabbing handfuls and making you gasp. He did his best to pull you closer, and the stubble on his jaw bit into your palms as your hands moved to hold his face. He lifted you to sit you on the counter and you shot a hand out, feeling Mick tighten his grip on you, both of you glancing over to where a stack of baking pans had just hit the floor. You were breathing as hard as he was, staring at the pans until his nose pressed against your jaw, your eyes closing as the feel of his breath against your skin.

“Let’s get out of here.”   
“I … I …”

Mick lifted his head and smiled, moving a hand to brush it over your face.

“It’s alright, darling. You can go upstairs and I’ll leave. We don’t have to—“

You took his face in your hands, bringing his lips to yours again. He groaned, clutching your arms almost painfully before stepping away and turning his back to you. The kitchen door swung open as you touched fingertips to your tingling lips and Jo stepped in, eyebrows almost reaching her hairline as she took in the sight of the two of you, shoulders heaving, appearances in disarray.

“I heard the, uh … ahem.”

You blushed as you slid off the counter, pushing your hands over your hair, trying to fix your now-ruined ponytail. You gasped when Mick reached over and yanked the ponytail holder from your hair, causing it to fall unruly around your shoulders. You met his eyes, seeing the fire there, and Jo gasped, shaking her head.

“ _Oh_ —oh no. Uh-uh. I know what that means and I do not need to be here to witness… nope.”

She rushed back out the door and you couldn’t help but laugh. You looked to Mick, who grinned as he dangled your ponytail holder between his fingers. You couldn’t help but smile as you narrowed your eyes at him.

“Give it back.”   
“Come and make me.”

You swallowed, stepping closer to him, giving a soft laugh as he took a step back. He bit his lip and watched you as you made your way to him, stopping in front of him and staring into his clear green eyes. You blinked and moved your hands to his shoulders, gently pressing your palms against the muscles he had. He closed his eyes as you went on your toes, pressing your lips to his nose, each of his cheekbones, brushing your lips over the stubble shadowing his cheeks. He gave a soft grunt before you laid your lips on his and he kissed you back, laying his hands on your hips and holding as though you were the only thing keeping him anchored to the ground.

His hands, without you even realizing, slid into your hair and you groaned, letting your head fall back, giving him space to kiss and suck at your neck. His fingers massaged your scalp and you grabbed his hips, trying to find a way to keep yourself upright. His lips danced over your jaw and he cleared his throat, voice low and hoarse.

“At the risk of repeating myself … let’s get out of here.”

You could only nod, shaking fingers taking back the band Mick held towards you. You scooped your hair up as best you could, more messy than anything else, untying your apron and laying it on the counter as Mick took your hand and led you from the kitchen. You rounded the corner and yelped, giggling as he pulled you close to him. He rubbed his nose on yours and you sighed, looping your arms around his neck as his lips found yours again.

_“What the hell are you doing here?”_

You pulled away from Mick, both of you having heard Jo, sharing a confused look with him before the two of you untangled yourselves from each other, Mick taking your hand as he led you into the bar. You stopped short, Mick stopping when he almost dropped your hand, looking back to see all the color had drained from your face. Mick shook his head, looking to where your wide eyes were focused, past Jo, to the man standing in the middle of the bar, the pain evident in his eyes. Mick straightened, giving your hand a squeeze, his voice cutting through the sudden silence.

“Hello, Dean.”


End file.
